The Politics of Divorce: When Children Become PawnsAllan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: May 16th 2007Were your parents divorced when you were a child or adolescent? Did your parents fight for control over you and your siblings? Did one of your parents try to turn you against the other parent? Did you get to visit and spend quality time with both your mother and father each? Many people can answer yes to the first, second and third questions but no to the forth. With a more than fifty percent rate of divorce in the United States today most people can relate what it was like to live through a divorce with their parents. Unfortunately, they can also relate to what it was like to feel like pawns in the war that was waged by at least one parent against the other. It is understandable that by the time two people are ready for divorce there are many angry, resentful and bitter feelings accumulated during the course of the marital relationship. Very few divorces are friendly and amicable with the former spouses becoming friends. Of course this does happen but it is more the exception than the rule. Having children to consider and care for does not seem to mediate the types of behavior displayed by many former spouses. In fact, all too often, the most resentful and angry of the two divorcing parents are all too willing to display a vindictiveness directed against the other parent by using the children as weapons in the divorce and post divorce war. These types of vengeful parents do not seem to understand that the only victims of this type of behavior are the children. During my years as a psychotherapist I have experienced many cases in which parents wage bitter custody battles against one another. In these battles, one parent is attempting to obtain sole custody of the children while severely restricting the visiting rights of the other parent. Under these circumstances you might be led to believe that the battle was being waged against someone who was alcohol and drug addicted and was abusive to the children. At least that would make some sense of the angry situation. However, in all too many cases there is no such addictive or abusive process going on. Rather, the motivation of the vindictive parent is to exact revenge against the other parent for sins having been committed between the two of them and having to do with their relationship and having nothing to do with any legal or violent issues. For example, an angry wife and mother may feel so entirely disappointed by the divorce that she is swept away by anger, rage and the desire to punish the former spouse by demanding sole custody. Another scenario is when each of the parents places the children in the middle of their conflict by attempting to turn them against the other parent. They will do all they can to devalue and demonize the other parent in the eyes of the child. The wish is to win the child to their own side so that they will be permanently allied with them against the other. Perhaps the worst case situation is the one in which the divorce takes place, the mother gains custody, the father moves away and a curtain of silence falls between the children and the absent father. While this is less likely to occur today in the age of equally shard custody, it does happen and with tragic consequences for the children. What are these tragic consequences? First, children identify with each of their parents. If they are made to believe that one parent is evil they will come to believe that this is true of them, as well. How can it not be so? If that is my father or mother and I have been told that he or she is a bad person then it must be true of me as well since I am their child. Second, it is common for children to misunderstand what is happening between alienated parents and to blame themselves for their troubles. They are also quick to believe that one or both parents are leaving home because he, the child, is not loved. In some cases, a child who witnesses a parent packing and moving may fear that he, the child will be told to leave home forever. Young children, with fragile emotions and dependent upon nurturing and love may pretend that they do not care that the one parent has left and throw themselves even more upon the parent who is present. For the child who experiences the loss of a parent because that parent has been successfully blocked from participation in the child's life the consequences are worst. Most frequently but no always the parent who vanishes is the father. The child is left to imagine what became of the missing parent. In fact, many studies show that divorce can result in children growing into adults who have low self esteem and more depression and anxiety compared to those who were raised by both parents whether the marriage remained intact or there was shared custody. It is really important that divorcing parents communicate with the children that they are loved by both Mom and Dad and that the divorce is not caused by the children. It is also important to communicate confidence in the other parent and that Mom and Dad just cannot get along together and that these things happen but that they are safe with and loved by each parent. Divorce is difficult enough for everyone without embroiling the kids in the angry politics of the adults. Your comments are welcome. son left mom at 14 years old - - Nov 9th 2009
My son left me and my daughter 7 months after i asked my ex to leave. After 3 yrs of adultery and him not leaving this woman I asked him to leave. 5 yrs later my son is still living with his dad, and doesnt have anything to do with me. Why,..my daughter 2 years older has stayed with me, and I have always kept the door open to her and my son right from the start for their dad to communicate and visitation. On the other hand , my ex tried to get sole custody of both kids at the time. My only sister has also sided with my ex and talks with him and visits with him when she comes to town, which my son sees and probably thinks i am the bad one..i am totally confused and desperate for answers. Grandmother and Grandchild - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Sep 30th 2009
Hi Grandma,
Yes, I do have a suggestion. The tone of your posting suggests to me that you have taken sides with your daugher and grandchild against your former son-in-law. While that is only natural you must be careful about that so that you not unwittingly repeat what your ex on in law is doing with your grandchild.
What I mean is this:
Despite the fact that your grandchild is complaining about her father, he still is and always will be her father. It is important that she visit him and know that she has your support and her mother's support in doing that.
Be very careful not to agree that her dad is the problem and that she should not visit him. I realize that you may not be telling her that in words but children are excellent at picking or "reading" the attitudes and thinking of the important adults in their world.
Also, I want to suggest something different to you about her problems:
Your grandchild may be more upset about the divorce and the fact that there is a man in her mother's house who isnot her father than anything else.
Things are often not what they appear on the surface. Remember, her dad is her dad and he is enormously important to her, much more than you may think.
Advise her to just listen to dad and not take his words about her mom so seriously. Tell her to love him, which she does anyway but needs to know that its OK.
Dr. Schwartz GRANDCHILD'S HEARTACHE - - Sep 30th 2009
My grandchild is having medical symptoms due to the stress of being torned between mom and dad. When she is with her dad, he is constantly badmouthing her mom. Daughter has tried telling him that he needs to keep quiet, it upsets my grandchild. I will have to say that the mom doesn't say negative comments about her dad. This child is constantly not feeling well and have been to the doctors office more in this past month, than in her entire 11yrs. The mom has a live in boyfriend which my grandchild loves. He is so different then her dad, who always talks loud and most of the time unhappy, therefore makes everyone feel bad. She sees the difference and loves being with mom and him. She has said that she doesn't want to spend as much time with her dad, but he makes her feel guilty if she doesn't come to stay with him a couple of days. Any suggestions. PAS - VISITATION RIGHTS - John - Aug 14th 2009
Hi everyone, it's a great comfort to see that I am not the only one going through this divorce thing. However I am also sorry that others are too! My wife announced one day that she no longer loved me and wanted me to leave the marital home which is owned by the council, which is our local area goverment if you like. I did not want to, but when I saw the council and the solicitor (attorney), they told me sooner or later i would have to go. I felt like a hole had opened up and swallowed me, 6 months on still can't believe it. I loved and still love all my family even the wife I resent for doing this. I even asked her why she was hugging and kissing me the day before, she said because it was false. She said I was controlling and always on my computer, which was not true. I always handed over all my wages let her control the finances as she used to work in a bank and loved it and i always worked away from home on newly launched cars. I honestly never cheated, treated her and the children as well as I could, but as soon as her lifestyle changed, which was caring for her Nan everyday as her DaD, and Aunts never did, she found very little time for us being me and the children. Of course her parents were happy with this (they were both divorce and re-married, mine were always and still are together). She started looking after her Nan thousands of pounds, distributing and hiding so they could talk her in claiming carers allowance from the state and getting paid to clean daily. She was earning more than i did when i worked, yet i never saw any of it. Both her and my girls made a religion of spending the weekend clothes shopping. I stayed at home doing chores in between looking for Jobs on the computer, as i had no money to go out to physically look afar and had done my weekly local shop/town visits.When out of work i had a chance to relocate and gain employment but my wife insisted if we moved away from her not so close family then she would leave me, so i gave up the chance for a good career.I did not realise whilst out of work the council paid my rent for my house as my wife insisted that my Jobseeking Money was required for the rent, which i easily gave up to her.She had been saving for our holiday 1 week away, car maintenance money, Christmas, Birthdays, savings for a rainny day which I did not see any of it. My bank accounts were slowly bled dry over the 6 months her money transferred and I was left for nothing. Although my girls 16 and 14 are not talking to me, why i dont really know, but my 10 year old son has remained loyal to us both. I find it hard to move on everytime i condition myself I receive a solicitors letter for erratic visits, which if you call putting of visiting my son because he has a party erratic then yes ok i'm guilty. These letters go on and on and she is getting legal aid.She won't talk to me and my son has to be go between, i apologise to him and he says its ok but its not. I haven't got the money to fight her, ifc i get a job then i can't afford my solicitor and the child support agency will takee 45% of my wages after the first £80. of my net income and i will loose my flat that all my family and friends have helped me get. My parents have used their retirement money on me, i can't understand why she wont communicate.
Alienation - Lucy - Jul 16th 2009
Could you please enlighten us on Gardners Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? In advance, thank-you.
Editor's Note: The best way I can do that for you is to refer you to the Wise Counsel Podcast interview with Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D. on that topic Divorce and Children - Allan N Schwartz - Mar 24th 2009
Hi Gloria, Please look under "Reader Questions" for my comments about your situation. My response to your question will be posted in a short while. Dr. Schwartz DESPERATELY MOTHER - Gloria - Mar 24th 2009
I am currently fighting the custody of my 15 years old son. He is temporarily leaving with his father. A few weeks ago, I made the mistake of given my son to my abusive ex husband, my son was very disrespectful to me and he constantly felt sorry for his father. His father was poisoning him against me. I thought that if my son live with his father would help my ex-husband to hate me less and my son would stop feeling sorry for his father and improve our relationship. Now my ex-husband won't let me see him and my son don't want to talk to me. I can understand how parents that are alienated from their children suffer. The pain that I am going trough is unbelievable. I recently told my therapist that I didn't know what was worst the death of a child or knowing that he is alive and doesn't want to talk to you or see you. I need help. I desperately want to safe my son, but I don't know how to talk to him or what to say to him.alienation by a vindictive mom - - Mar 7th 2009
I was the stay at home dad for over 8 years of three children(ages 5,8 and 11, girl, boy, girl respectively). No abuse or complaints ever from mom. I never did drugs, never abused alcohol, never broke my vows. I was a coach of three of my children's teams and well respected in my community. After a 15 year marriage my X was caught cheating and she then began divorce and the restaining order as a weapon to get the upper hand in a custody battle that I never wanted. She earned $150K while I raised the the nuts and bolts parent who also completely restored my great grandfathers Victorian home with no outside contractors. I wanted joint custody because I grew up from a broken home where my mom used parental alienation against my dad, she had sole custody.( my mother's divorce tactic to use my brother, sister and I as pawns caused us siblings to become alienated from our good dad for 30 years until my own divorce. I truly believe from all I have experienced and read in my 47yrs. that sole custody is child abuse, unless of course their is child abuse going on. My X is now doing what my own mom did to me as a child. She had me I arrested 5 times and held in jail for over 100 days BEFORE these cases of non-evidentuary allegations of restraining order violations went to trial. All cases were bogus and so dismissed but I am damaged by these arrests going into my custody trial. So often these days women use the Restraining Order when they file for divorce with no fear of the consequenses of perjury. My kids know what mom has done to their daddy, but I may have to wait years before I see them again. She got sole and legal custody and allowed to move 1500 miles away.I forgive my X because she will always be my children's mother and I love and respect my children so much and would never do them no harm or want any harm to come to my X. But I can't tell my X this because of the R.O. I will write a future fundraiser book to help children - Dawn Goff - Feb 9th 2009
We can't change the past but we can change the future for other children! dawnangel999@hotmail.com children confused pawns - - Jan 1st 2009
A young married couple are divorcing. They had originally decided to approach this together, but the father did not show. In the past six months, the father has "left" home, children and pregnant wife, not mentioning to anyone except his mother where he was, or if he planned to return -- for about a week on two separate occasions. He spends money on alcohol - some say "average", some say "excessive". He has missed work while living with his mother. She reported that he had the flu. He entered the couple's home in direct opposition to the court order while no one was present, destroyed personal property and removed others. He has threatened suicide on two occasions that I know of. Perhaps these statements are for effect and control, perhaps they are true. These statements are serious nontheless. He is hurting. How can he be helped? How can she be helped? How can the children not be hurt? My concern is that on the first post-filing visit with their father, he told his preschool and primary school age children several untruths: (1) your mommy is dead. she died last saturday. (2) when you were brushing your teeth, she threw away all the candy in the house. (3) other things, including implying that mommy has a boyfriend. A DNA test would reduce this statement as incorrect. (4) etc. My concern is the anger and confusion these statements create for such young children. How can someone who supposedly loves his children do such a potentially long-time harmful thing? How can such a thing be adressed-- no allowing of negative statements of either spouse/parent -- particularily in the hearing of the children. How can such a thing be handled? --Does one ignore these statements? Does one adress them as untruth? --essentially calling the dad a lier -- also not good and harmful to the children. Please help. Children of any age should never be used as pawns -- this process is difficult in the best of situations. parental allienation - Donna - Dec 23rd 2008
I adopted a little boy when he was two years old. At the time i did have a live in boyfriend that became a father figure to him. A few years later i took his sister at birth although she was never adopted. When my daughter was about four the biological mother wanted her back, which ended up in court. My ex boyfriend paid the attorney and we were given joint custody of the child. The biological mothers rights were never terminated. Since that time my ex boyfriend had taken control of everything. He has turned both of the children against me. At this point Social Services is involved, because he was accused of beating and cursing my daughter. He has been turned into Social Services several time for sexual abuse toward her, but nothing was never proven. She denies that anything has happened. Both of the kids are in his temporary custody at this time because they say that they are afraid of me. I have always been the one they have lived with, i am the one that has always took care of them financially and emotionally. They are older now, my son is a teenager and my daughter is nine. I am not allowed to see my children without supervision. I am on disability and social services order me to give my ex the check that i receive for my son, although they say that the goal is to place both children back in my home. If there is anyone out their that has any suggestions for me please help. I am hurt, angry, depressed, and mad all wrapped up into one. This is so unfair. Our system is failing these children. The pain of divorce, seen through my children - Rrebecc - Nov 25th 2008
I am the a weekend parent and I have seen the pain of the Divorce, through my children. I have also seen how the father will try so hard to take the children away from me. I finally just let the children be children and let them live their lives. When I did this they seemed to be happier with themselves. but what I do understand is that the way the courts systems are know a day, it is not beneficial to the children, but beneficial to the adult who can lie the best. By the grace of God I know how the system is work's and have never lost my children. I believe the children are a gift from God and we should love with all our heart.
My poor babies - JEFF - Nov 24th 2008
I recently divorced after 22 yrs of married. Even though i filed on the 18th year, she and her attorney had to drag it out so she could receive my military bennefits once i retired from the military. I got screwed from day one. The judge ordered me to pay all the house hold bills, vehicle, and give her an extra $500 a month. living me with alittle more than $100. to live for the month. So how did i make it? I lived out of my car, took showers at the base gym and ate MRE's and canned tuna. Since i didn't have a home, i couldn't get any custody of my kids. Me a three time combat veteran, comes home after 8 months in Afganistan, finds out my wife has been sleeping around, and it had gone on for the entire time i had been in Special Operations (16 years). I file for divorce, and find myself homeless, and alienated from my children. Vengance from my now X for divorcing her. By the time i got my own apartment about six months after fileing for the divorce, i was able to get at least ever other weekend with my children. My oldest child is autistic and my other child was only a toddler. My X has tried numerous tactics to turn my youngest agaisnt me, and she tried with my oldest, but the bond i have with her is very strong. I raised her and spent all my free time with her from the moment she was born. When she was diagnosed with Autism at 2/half, my X turn to me and said shes broke and handed her to me. So while the X made every excuse to run the roads. It left me and my little girl lots of time to do things. Since the divorce. My X left the state with them, without telling me or setting up any visitation. I barely get two phone calls from them a week, and i've only seen them once since August of this year. The divorce left me broke and nearly $100,000. in debt to three different attorney's who didn't help me at all. I ended up going thru the final divorce hearing alone. I was in talks with the X's attorney to settle it. She tricked me and gave me the wrong time to be in court. And of course, i missed the final hearing, and the court awarded my X's attorney all her fee's. Made sure she took all the good stuff out of my settlement offer and made sure her client didn't sign it. So i got stuck with allomony too. I don't have the money to fight her or the time, because i have to work 12hr days just to keep food on the table for my new family and pay my child support and allomony obligations. Children of divorce - Daniela - Oct 14th 2008
Some people are simply not worthed to be parents. They find themselves in situation were they become jealous of the attention kids are giving, so they bail out. However, they don't want to pay the price, they will take the children along with the new spouse so they do not pay child support. They would be abusive or mean, because there is nobody to protect the children.They would use the children as pawn to get back to their ex, because their justification for cheating and breaking the family would be that is the ex's fault. Kids love is genuine, they feel more than anybody who is truth to them. However, adults manipulate kids evrey day to parent them, from doing the chores, to teach them stuff. Then adults who are not fit parents, would use them as pawns, and manipulated them to accomplish their own satisfaction. Sometimes, spouse of angry exs would join in to support, they would build a rationalization for their behavior that would not take in consideration reality and kids feelings. Divorce is not good for kids, but having a stable loving home makes up for a life of bitterness and fights. Couple should have mandatory counselling and parenting classes before allow to separate. The best parent should be awared custody. Having joint custody sometimes leave no responsibilty of the end results for both parents. If parents were in conflict and do not cooperate properly, sole custody should be reward. Visitation should be scheduled for the benefit of the child, should be one on one with the parent. The child need not to share with sibbilings that are not relavant, or spouse. The child needs her visitation parent 100% attention, to make up for the little time spend together. The child needs a stable family, not to be divide in two households. What we think we do best for children it might not be. Children should be give access to counselling, to be allowed to express their concerns outside the family. The family should be advice on issues that could become a problem with proper teaching and not blame. Yes, there is lot that needs to be done. But divorce shouldn't be that easy, if you made a commitment, stick with it. Don't just go and make a life for yourself because the spouse does not give 100% attention, or is not as young and beautifull as was before. There should be a fault divorce, and the no fault should be determined in court, not by default. The marriage was invented to protect the inoncent, the children. Now the children well being is secondary to political corectness of sharing the kids between parents. Until the man shares in caring the baby in his body for half time, I do not believe in parental equal rights. I do however believe in extrem cases, where parents behave abnormally, in which case the other one has to take the full responsibility. I have watched the pain - - Sep 22nd 2008
This is all so true. I watched my husband grieve and suffer so much pain over his children. His daughter was 8 and his son 5 when he divorced. He was awarded joint custody. Every time we drove the 9 hours to visit his ex would run and hide and prevent his visits. Through all there growing up years she spoke of what a horrible person he was. Now the daughter 28 and the son 25 they hate their father and want nothing to do with him. He is a good man and wanted badly to be a part of their lives. His ex did all this out of hate and revenge. Even when they were married she used the children as a tool knowing his love for them. My heart goes out to my husband, but also for his children that have never had the oppertunity to know what a wonderful person their father really is i agree - MIMI - Sep 4th 2008
Hi Lori, I agree that the truth should not be "sugar coated", and that the truth should be told considering age appropriateness. I tried to "suck it up" for my daughter's sake, but it wasn't worth it. In the end, the truth about what her father was doing didn't matter as much to her as I thought it would. So in 2005, when she was nine years old, we got into an argument in the car, because she needed a school uniform and I didn't have the spare money to buy it. She kept demanding it and telling me that I was lying, that I did in fact have the money for it. I was so angry that I ended up punching her face, giving her a black eye. I know that I should not have done that, but I do not want her to grow up thinking that what her father does to hurt me does not matter, because it does and it affects the way she sees me. When I met her father, he was an illegal immigrant from Brazil. When we separated and I had already filed for divorce, I went to the Department of Immigration for the final interview, partly because I did not want to have him deported and have my daughter grow up angry with me for not having a father in her life. He returned the favor by fighting me for custody right after the divorce was finalized the following year. And now, because I tried to have the visits unsupervised in Florida, he had the court order me to pay child support based on imputed income of $50,000, which historically I never made. I believe that if an ex-husband (or ex-wife) is abusive, manipulative and controlling towards the parent, that is a good indication that probable he/she will be the same way with their child. If a parent truly loves his/her child, he will not use the child to try to get back at the ex. It amazes me how the court did not consider all of the malicious acts of my ex in deciding on custody. If you have any ideas on this matter, please feel free to share them with me. Madness - Aware Dad - Jul 28th 2008
I feel much better since I realized it's mental illness that causes a parent to viciously hoard the children. These people are not capable of genuine love on principle. They are self loathing scociopaths who see bribing and manipulating as thier only chance at any relationship. Until we accept this reality we will continue to lose our hair and fingernails. Often on some level it was thier "inflexibility" which happens to be a universial sign of insanity, that lead to the maritial breakdown in the first place. Let's take responsibility for not detecting the signs of mental illness while courting these people and be more careful in the future. They are indeed an insult to those folks with mental health issues who take responsibility (and often medications) in acknowledgement of thier weaknesses, which normally is nothing to be ashamed of. Let's hope the best for our children and be ready to embrace them when they become wise to the machanations of the criminally insane. Thanks for your comments. It feels good not to be alone. HELP - Bill - Jun 16th 2008
I am so emotionally mentally &physically drained from a horrible mother takes all divorce that walking away from my only child seems like a healthy decision for my own greedy self when my six year old daughter is no longer a tool I will hopefully begin to heal as a father who dearly loves his little girl this is so hard . it seems fighting the establishment is for kids I am 38 and tired as long as Iwant to see my child there will be room for exploitation . until there is timely and clear consequences for PAS. children will be used. each divorce with children should be managed by a person who has been through a divorce as a child. passing more laws is not going to help so long as there is a monetary gain for the tyrants willing to do the dirty work. Is Mamma's love enough? - Janet Gaston - Mar 26th 2008
Hello I am one of the few moms that giave my ex sole custody under the understanding that it would be changed to joint when I left the state of Georgia, and moved to Texas where I live now. Four years ago, I left my now ex and had the kids, one boy and one girl. We were okay, until I got myself into trouble and I knew that if the kids could not be with me they needed to be with there dad. My ex would not sign the divorce papers I had done. So he made papers and i did sign over sole custody to him. never did I think that he would not give them back. I have spoken to the kids everyday since they have not been with me(except 7 days never in a row,in 4 years.) My ex just took 3weeks and 2 days away from my kids and myself. i had to appogogize for saying I am soory your dad did not keep his word about renting a video for the kids. of course when he said what I needed to do I did it. now our phone calls are taped and a lot are on speaker phone. I love my kids and want to cause no harm so I do as my ex says so that I may speak with them. Is a mother's love for a 10 yr. boy and 8 yr. old girl, to hang on to while their dad does and says what ever because "he is king and has all power, so deal with it" how can parents do this to their own flesh and bloob and think that it will not effect the kids? I can only do what I can from 2,000 miles away, call everyday to let them hear my voice and hear their voices, so that I can let them know that I am their mamma and I love them. Cant' seem to compete - - Mar 2nd 2008
I experianced that situation with my older children wanting to see and stay with their dad and step mom. No matter what I did there house and life with the ex was always better. But in the recent years the table have turned money wise. However come to find out it was not the money or the house, it was what they were offered while they were there. Alcohol, and yes even drugs. Now my children have little or no contact with the dad, but I find myselft having to help them put their lives back together and get on the right track. Now I can only pray for the well being and help them in any way I can. Perhaps what is drawing them there is stronger than wealth. Bless you, good luck, and stay strong! You will be the one they want when they really need someone. Abandonment by adult children of divorce. - Joan G. - Mar 1st 2008
I haven't found exactly what I was looking for, yet. The situation is: Long marriage, divorce, ex-husband hiding many investments and much real estate. Ex has married again, and new wife is the epitome of a hostess. With a beautiful home on the beach, much much money, and a built-in hostess, how can I compete? When the childre visit, they visit him---not me. Only one of the children (all with spouses) has visited me, and only for an occasional weekend. In 20 years since the divorce, none of the spouses, and only one of the children has visited. Do I have any kind of right to see my kids? Joan G. February 29, 2008 People have to stop protecting child abusers and esecially the one sexally babys and children! - Dawn Goff - Feb 25th 2008
Anyone will find when confronted with someone that sexually abuses children they can't run from the issue and they have to take the problem by the horns and be like a bull! These men usually abuse 50 girl and boys 150 boys and sometimes they kill them too. These kids become angrey persons and sometimes will kill other children. Why don't we do something before the problem gets bigger.Get these people into therapy or counselors as need help and are jails are full already.Why don't we help talk about their problems as some goes many years without talking.Lets stop putting bandage on it. Also, why don't Goverments hire more Social workers to check in on these kids! Lets invest in our children by protecting them in there homes. Also,school and teachers don't forget to report abused children and do what right. Don't turn your back and look the other way! I have been watching USA TV. AND the court cases and I think it sad that someone didn't chech out the home of the children where the mother was kill by the dad and left two children without mother! Why didn't the teacher report the goings on in the home. I am sure that 8 year old said something about his mother being sick for so long. Thats where reporting might have save a life.We the people need to be the police and keep a watch on our neighbours.We need to care about neighbours! God Bless! dawnangel Bad things can happen to good people - A mother's loss - Feb 19th 2008
A similar situation happened to my son and me. My ex got custody due to his threats of violence. I moved away trying to get my life back together, only to find out my ex would not allow me to see my son. He moved from state to state, and as you know it is a different battle in every state, and lots more money. By the time I had caught up with them, 14 years had past. And needless to say by that time my son wanted nothing to do with me. I contacted my son on several occasions just to experience how much he had been “brainwashed”. Not only does my ex continue to add fuel to the fire, his present wife also joined in on the effort. Thanks Dr. Amy Baker for doing research on something so important, and detrimental to parent/child relationship. However I fear it is far too late for my son and me to reconcile our relationship. But I am hopeful this study will help other children to understand some aspects of their lives. When you put things writing make sure you can or prove it! - Dawn Goff - Feb 14th 2008
When we put things in writing on the computer or in print. Then we also better be able to prove it in a court of Law too. When wealth is lost , nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost , all is lost . by Billy Graham Evanelist dawnangel5@hotmail.com A person should look at the negative words they say about other! - Dawn Goff - Feb 12th 2008
We should listen to what the word and sentences we say about people. If they aren't mostly positive and mostly negative then it's times to read a good book called The Dance OF Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D Also, The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the moments of comfort , but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy, by Martin Luther King, Jr. dawnangel5@hotmail.com Re: My mother Dawn Goff - Tisha (The Angry Daughter) - Feb 11th 2008
Oh my unfit mother is sending out quotes to people...I will play...Here is a quote for my mother: Happiness depends upon ourselves - Aristotle
http://theangrydaughter.blogspot.com/ Wake up and make that change! - Dawn Goff - Feb 7th 2008
As they Say! We are what we repeatedly do ! by Aristotle I think you need to step back - biomom3 - Jan 11th 2008
Parenting is between the parents. No offense but no wife is really quite ready for their children to meet a girlfriend of their husband's... having a wife and girlfriend does make for a good divorce. You only know one side. Your boyfriend may be a great dad, and be acting in the best interest of his children.. but being an not so evil ex wife who get run down... by an abusive ex and his girlfriend I see the other side I know the other side. There are two side and the pure truth is something you cannot see.. you to close. I respect anyone who put the children first. The children have two parents let them work it out and parent. Your a girlfriend not a parent. Women who use their children as pawns - - Oct 18th 2007
I totally agree with the previous comments since my boyfriend is going through the same thing with his children. He is divorced, and his ex is so vindictive that as soon as she realized I was dating him she put her children in counseling when they never were before. Eventually the 6 year old girl started saying she was angry at her dad and me which was puzzling since both kids had an excellent relationship with him, and the kids definitely were excited to meet me which infuriated their mother even more.So one day my boyfriend asked his daughter "Honey why do you say those things to the counsler and she said "because mommy tells me to say that stuff". So that was the start of it. Since then she has accused him of beating the kids and telling the little girl to tell the counsler that.Yesterday he went for a visitation order and was given supervised custody which could be at least a 6 month process until its normal visitation. I just dont understand why my boyfriend and I could hear that little girl tell us her mother is telling her to say that but yet this counsler cannot figure that out. And now the kids and my boyfriend have to pay the price and she is allowed to continue to mentally abuse them.I feel as if the courts have greatly let these kids down parental alienation - Amy J.L. baker, Ph.D. - Oct 12th 2007
I am pleased to see the issue of children used as pawns being written about as my new research on "adult children of parental alienation" shows how damaging this can be when taken to the extreme and one parent is able to manipulate a child to forgo a relationship with the other parent. The people that I interviewed for my study reported lifelong negative effects of this experience including depression, low self esteem, problems trusting others, and even losing their own children of a similar fate. Parents need to be educated about this prolem before it is too late. Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. Author of adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind." W.W. Norton. I gave Tisha dad lots a chances to stop sexually my son Troy! - Dawn Goff - Oct 8th 2007
I just wanted to make a correction to my last comment as I was very tired when I wrote it . I could use long vacation from this issue and having to look back to the past and the bad choice I made dating a man nine years older the summer before my 14 birthday. Also, wondering how I could fix it and hoping some day it would be resolved. Maybe, God is the only one that can fix this! dawnangel Yes, Children should be told the truth and consider their age in reason. - Dawn Goff - Oct 6th 2007
Children deserve the truth before it's too late and the damage by that parent is too far gone.Children are people too and we should be straight with them.Things like letting your children go with an alcoholic that said 12 beer is a couple beer then drives with your kids in the car and you don'y stop it and try to pretend that things are ok or normal is wrong!Because some of us grew up in family that condone this , we shouldn't continue this circle , drinking and driving is deadly!, it kill my young brother.Also, Tisha forgot to tell the publis that health and Community Services was in vesigating her dad and not my second husband. I think it's sad that she and her dad have been trying to blame and use him as a weapon to cover up what her dad did to her handicapped brother all these years. Also, Tisha told her own family women doctor what her dad did to her and that same doctor came and told me. Also, that same doctor head my son with I was in the same room, that his dad was sexually abusing him.I gave Tisha lots of chances to stop abusing Troy but he wouldn't stop. Also, after my second was long gone , about three weeks gone, Troy came home and said dad was touching him again and I final had all I could take after I had been beat up by Troy after his visits with real dad, My nose broken and my head violently beaten.At the time I was sure why Troy was behaving this way and I had never had a child with Down' before and didn't know that signs that are on enternet. We should all know the signs of sexual abuse and first aid for deniel! I was shock with Health Community Services told me in 1991. dawnangel5@hotmail.com Good mom hates to tell any bad things about their dad! God Bless! Children Deserve to Have more than just a Financial Father - - Jun 18th 2007
I have always heard about kids in divorce and how thorn they are between both parents, but I have never first hand experience or see for myself what divorce can do and what parents can do to the children they say they so love and care for. I have had the opportunity to grow up with both my mom and my dad, exempliary parents, I could not have asked for more. I married a man which is a true man and father. He was married before, and have 2 girls. He has been the strength of those 2 girls until their mother decided that she is going to stop it. This is all because My husband decided to move on with his life, she resents him, why I don't know, because she was the one who did not want the marriage and she left. The children love their father but not able to express it. Their mother and grandmother fill their heads with all sort of lies about their father. Now the girls are tell their father that they do not want to see him or hear from him. He has tried over and over in the courts to let them see what is going on, but everytime the mother files some paper in court talking about the kids are afraid of their dad for some strange reason, so she wants visitation ceased. The strange reason is that they do not have people around them to guide them the way they should be guided, and they are lied to constantly, and I guess the person who can hurt you the most is the one the children will obey. The children are seven and eleven this year, and they are already pushed to make decisions that they have no idea how much of an impact they will make on their lives as they get older. There are so many children and single moms out there that would love to have the emotional, mental, physical and financial support of a father. They would gladly receive the little they can get with open arms. but this woman has a well respected man that is the father of her children, but all she wants is financial support, and goes every step to alienated her daughters from their father. I wonder what on earth she thinks she is accomplishing. All she is doing is hurting the same children she says she loves with all her heart. Everything she is doing now, will be the undoing of her relationship with those girls later in life, she just does not know it yet. I believe that the family court system does not do enough to protect children. If there is no sign of physical abuse all is ok, but it is not, because mental abuse is very very significant and is one of the main problems of children that experience PAS. We are expecting our first child, a girl, and no matter what, she will have the luxury of both parents. If any parent out there want to deny their children of the other parent, you need to rethink your actions. Instead of self, think of the best for your children. Your children deserves to have both parents, especially if both parents are willing to share in their children's live and they are good influence. Divorce parents need to find that commom ground which should be the children. Love them and give them what they need: love, care and thoughtfulness, not an option to choose sides. If anyone read this, I hope it makes a difference, especially if you are all wedged up with anger for the other parent. PAS Parental Alienation Syndrome - Tisha LeBreton - Jun 12th 2007
I am a daughter of pas "Parental Alienation Syndrome" cause by my mother.I am 33 & it is still effecting my life & she is still playing games to try & hurt my dad. I have a down syndrome brother who is easily brain washed & I made a group especially for making animations on pas dedicated to my dad & for other fathers who go through the same thing. I never knew it as pas until a couple years ago but I always thought of it as she was trying to brain wash me & constantly bad mouthing my father & I was looking up stuff trying to find other cases with down syndrome kids & fathers that may of when through the same thing...I printed off every thing I found & gave it to the social worker...My brother had a lawyer & even he saw through my mother...My father won in court my mother wouldn't put me on the stand because she was scared of what I would say...She let her boyfriend now her x-husband discipline us in ways that he had no right to do..Like for example burning my down syndrome brother fingers on a kerosene heater to show him not to touch it... After the court thing she was praising my father telling him what a good job he was doing & she couldn't pawn him off enough on my dad & as soon as her husband left her she went psycho again & started with all her crap aging...I had forgiven her her before this & she was saying stuff about her x husband that had just left her & I actually was believing her but now that she has started all this stuff with my dad again I don't believe what she has said about her x-husband...I don't think I will ever forgive her or believe her about anything again...I told her off & defended my father now she has my down syndrome brother calling me a devil witch is kind of ironic considering she is the one making up lies & trying to use her own kids hurt my father... Don't Children Deserve The Truth? - Lori Yoder - May 26th 2007
In a society that is drowning in "political correctness", are we supposed to throw our children into the mix as well? With the advent of the pc "no-fault" divorce, we are telling everyone, children included, that divorce is OK - when it happens, it's no one's fault, no one is right, no one is wrong, it just happens. Labeling the break-up of a family as no one's fault is the easy way out . The reality is, some Moms and/or Dads ARE at fault. Instead of making it PC to lie to our children in this instance, we should be applauding those who are truthfully and age appropriately explaining the divorce decision to their children. Covering up or "sugar-coating" the truth in order to be PC, insults the childs intelligence and one day I believe he/she will resent being sold a bill of goods versus the truth. An acquaintance with no vested interest in your well-being may consider a piece of spinach caught between your teeth a "fashion statement", but a loved one will respect your dignity enough to tell you it's there and even hold the mirror for you while you remove it. Children shoud be afforded the same respect. If a parent is unworthy of being a role model for the child, the responsible, loving thing to do is to protect the child from that influence. We need to stop victimizing children with labels - if you tell a child he's hopeless long enough, he'll start believing it. Tell him he's a "pawn" long enough and he'll believe that too. But tell him the truth and you clear up the confusion which will then empower him to understand and move on with confidence. I've tried to be brief but it's hard to encapsulate an opinion this important into just a few sentences. Thank you for the opportunity to disagree with the popular PC theory promoted by the psych community these days. | 
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Readers in the Boulder, Colorado metro area (or Denver area people willing to drive) may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation and psychotherapy. Email him at dransphd@aol.com for details.