Resources  email page print page Basic Information Introduction to AbuseAbuse DefinedTypes of AbuseDomestic Settings of AbuseInstitutional Settings of Abuse and Hate CrimesRecognizing AbuseEffects of AbusePost-Abuse Vulnerabilities Why Do People Abuse?Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?Changing Attitudes About AbuseIf You Are An Abuser...If You or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse...Abuse - If You Have Been Assaulted or Raped...If You Are a Third Party to Abuse...Preventing AbuseAfter the Abuse Has EndedAbuse Reporting Resources More Information 'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse PrimerAbuse Reporting ResourcesAn Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceElder AbuseHow Does the Child Welfare System Work?Legal Assistance for Elder AbuseMandated Reporters of Child AbuseSexual Assault ResourcesSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?Wise Counsel Interview Podcast: Steven Levenkron, MS on Childhood Sexual Abuse of Women Latest News Violence Between Couples May Not Be SpontaneousBattered Women's Ills Go Beyond BruisesImpact of Maternal Depression and Abuse on Children StudiedDoctors May Be Able to Predict Domestic Abuse Questions and Answers Insane JealousyHow Can I Talk About My Greatest Fear?InorgasmiaAm I In Danger?Sexual Abuse and Its Effects on Relationships AfterwardsSociopath or Sociopath-like Product of My Environment?Is She Mentally Ill?Narcissistic StepfatherWill the abuse still continue?Anger Blog Entries The Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?An Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceThe Child is Father to the Man Abuse of Special Needs Children in our Public SchoolsChild Abuse PreventionBorderline Personality DisorderShould I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"Child Abuse and Chronic Fatigue SyndromeAn Interview with Yulonda Brown on Surviving Abuse and Bipolar DisorderDomestic Violence: The Hidden Story of Abused MenAbused as a Child: Permanently Damaged?The Sexual Harassment of Girls and Sexual Minorites In Our SchoolsThe Long Lasting Negative Effects of AbusePeople Who Abuse, Are they Evil?Sexual Harassment in the Work Place, An ongoing problemAn Interview with Steven Levenkron, MS on Women's Childhood Sexual AbuseElder AbuseSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, HealingThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The ChildrenThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part IYoung Women and Sexual VictimizationIs This the Right Person for Me?Why People Remain In Abusive Relationships: Another Point of ViewWhat Kind of Father Are You?Good article concerning 'Spiritual' AbuseStockholm Syndrome and Regular Old AbuseEarly verbal abuse results in more adult depressionThe Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse Primer Links [2] Articles[2] Associations[9] Community[3] Government[45] Information[4] Journals[1] Training[3] Research[1] Self-Help[7] Personal Experiences Book Reviews A Stir of BonesAccounts of InnocenceBecoming AnnaBreathing UnderwaterBruisesBut I Love HimDemons of the Modern WorldLittle ChicagoThe Kindness of StrangersThe UnsayableTrue BelieverViolent PartnersWhen Jeff Comes Home

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Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

The second question, "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?" is also somewhat complex to understand. Partners in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them. A first layer of the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is practical, even if they are not always rational. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel that she cannot leave her abusive relationship because if she did, she would have no way of providing for her children. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background. Some practicing Catholic people, for example, believe that divorce is a bad thing to be avoided at most all costs. They may be motivated to put up with a lot of spousal abuse because the alternative is to go against the teachings of their church. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. They might say to themselves, "If it was just me, I'd leave this marriage, but my children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one". This may not be a rational position to take in all cases; the children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother. However, regardless of the truth of any of these rationalizations, the believe that they are true is more powerful than whether or not they are really true.

A second layer of reasons for why people stay in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called "cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically (cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage. These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical, emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. If the cycle stopped here and stayed constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse for long periods of time. However, shortly after the abusive event occurs, the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. The abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her. There may be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special privileges or gifts for the child victim. Following the guilt and making up stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships, the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle starts all over again.

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Though such cyclical abuse is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context, victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a "one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don’t deserve any better” or “this is the best relationship I’ve had in my life.”

Victims may have any number of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to accept something that is merely "good enough." They may believe that they will be alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc.

Victims that do try to break away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened suicide from happening.

The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put. Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death (e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases). This truth is frequently lost on both the abuser and the victim, however.

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Thank you!

10 years too long... - - Nov 19th 2009

I can identify with the article and the comments posted...I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years.  10 years too long...10 years that I will never get back...10 years that I could have been with someone that actually loved and respected me. All I can say now is THANK YOU, DEAR LORD, I'M OUT OF IT...

It started as probably most relationships start...everything was all great, and then slowly things started to change. From verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse. God kept trying to show me that this was not what He wanted for my life, but I chose to ignore it. I'm not going to go into all the details because I withstood alot of stuff that I shouldn't have...examples:  cheating, knives being thrown at me, his drug abuse, being hit while taking a shower with a shower rod, soda being thrown on me, being drugged so he could take advantage of me, and probably more that I'm still trying to piece together from images that I had blocked out...pure craziness!!!

What I want to share with everyone is that you can get out, even though you may have pushed away your loved ones they are there to help you. Pray because God will help you through anything, but you must make the first step to help yourself which means loving yourself enough to get away.  Don't settle for what is...change your circumstances and take charge of the life that you gave someone else control of.  Your life will only get better if YOU want it to.  I had to get that into my head.  People can tell you all they want that this is a bad relationship, you deserve better, so on and so on, but unless you actually see it that way you will not change anything.  MAKE THE CHANGE, everyone deserves true love and respect. After going through hell in that relationship and hell getting out and getting divorced my life has been full of blessings...from finding a cheaper apartment and daycare to going back to school to better my life for myself and the kids to getting back in touch with my true love, a man that is truly a man, that is respectful, loving, supportive, and my best friend. There are still good people out there, don't waste you life with someone that will just bring you down... I hope that those of you that are trying to get out will find the courage in yourself with God's help to do it.  I hope that you will see that life is worth way more than what you are going through now... YOU WILL BE OK, believe me, once I got away from him all the positive influences in the form of my true friends and blessings came into my life.  YOU DO DESERVE HAPPINESS, don't let anyone take that from you...

I wasted 10 years of my life, 10 years I will never get back being unhappy, but the rest of my life will be full of love and happiness because I have discovered that I am worth way more than being in that horrible life, I am worth way more that taking what he gave me, and I deserve true love, respect, and happiness...AND SO DO YOU!!! YOU DESERVE THE LIFE YOU WANT...

May God watch over you and keep you strong...

It can be done and has to be. - Melanie - Nov 13th 2009

Hello everyone.  I just want to share that I am a 33 year-old mother of two teens and I fully understand what domestic violence is all about having suffered from it at the hands of at 3 three ex.  Being in an abusive relationship is very emotionally draining and can break your spirit if you let it.  The worst part is the damage done to your self-worth and esteem but it can be reversed.  Men who abuse their women have serious issues that can only be stopped by counseling and the willingness to accept what they have become and to change it.  A lot of times that doesnt happen because they dont think that they have a problem.  No matter how long YOU tolerate it, hope that it can change, and strive for it to be different...let me forewarn you that YOU cannot fix it.  Just like an addiction, by staying we enable it which only continues to feed the cycle.  No matter how much you seem to love him....you have to love yourself more and break the dependency.  IT WILL NOT GET BETTER I PROMISE.  It comes to finding the strength within yourself to take charge of your life and make things happen.  You cant continue to suffer at the hands of a man who abuses you and then tops it off with a great big "I love you".  There is nothing wrong with being single at all.  Loneliness is a framed of mind....not a condition.  Go out and meet new people, take up a new hobbie, venture in life with your children and most importantly, take time out for you.  Learn about yourself, do things special for yourself, and just use the time to heal because you are going to need it.  Seek out support groups and the most important advice that I can give is get yourself some counseling.  You cant love someone until you love yourself.  It takes strength, courage, blind faith, and a lot of desire but you can do it.  I just ended a 20 year friendship and intimate relationship with a man who I absolutely adored until he broke my wrist and started to emotionally abuse me.  I wont put up with it and I shouldnt have to.  I have self esteem issues due to the abuse but I know that its just a symptom of the my disease....I feel confident, satisfied and proud of myself that I took charge and did the right thing.  Sure I still love him and sometimes I miss him but its done and Ill never go back.  There is too much life out there to be lived and I want my slice of happiness.  I feel in my heart that the only thing that can really help him is himself and until he accepts that he is an abuser...staying will only keep me in the victim's seat and I chose to be a survivor.  Please, pack your things and get out before you sustain anymore damage.  If you need any advice or help then please feel free to email me and I will support you.  My email is darlinggirl2@hotmail.com and my name is Melanie.  Good luck to all of you and please know that you are not alone.

I'VE BEEN A VICTIM SINCE THE AGE OF FOURTEEN - ALICIA - Nov 10th 2009

I READ THIS ARTICALE AND I FEEL LIKE ITS TELLING MY STORY BECAUSE THATS EXACTLY  HOW I FEEL I'VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS.I AM NOW 23 YRS OLD WITH THREE KIDS AGES (3MTHS,2 YRS. 6 YRS.OLD)AND ITS STILL GOING ON, THEY SAY THEY WILL NEVER DO IT AGIAN AND THEY DO TELL YOU EVER THING YOU WANA HEAR AND DO.BUT THEN THE TIME COMES AGAIN WHEN YOU MAKE THEN MAD AND THEY HIT YOU AND WHEN HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME I FEEL WHY IS HE DOING THIS IM ONLY A GIRL THOSE SAME HANDS THAT CAREST ME LAST NIGHT ARE NOW THE SAME ONES CAUSING THIS TREMONDOUS PAIN I DONT EVEN CRY ANYMORE I FEEL LIKE I'VE BECOME NUM TO THIS ABUSE  I WOULD CALL THE COPS BUT HIS IS VERY SNEAKY HIS LOCKS THE DOORS AND TAKES THE PHONES AND DOESNT LET ME OUT OF THE ROOM AND THE WINDOWS HAVE BARS ON THEM I FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL WHEN HE DOES THIS LIKE HUMILIADID AND SO AMBARASSED WITH MY DAUGHTER AND I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW HOPING A FAMILY WOULD COME TO MY RESCUE AND THING I HATE THE NOST IS WHEN I HAVE TO BE NICE AND PRETEND IM NOT ANGRY AND APOLIGIZE SO HE WOULD LET ME OUT AND THEN HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND ME ME AND SAYS HES SORRY AND I M LIKE ITS OK BUT WHEN REALLY INSIDE I WANA DO THE WORST THING TO HIM.I PRAY T GOD THAT ONE DAY I COULD GET THE STRENGHT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I AM SO WEAK.I WANA APOLIGIZE TO MY DAUGHTER FOR BIENG SO WEAK

daughter concerned about her mom being abused - - Nov 6th 2009

My mom has been abused since a long period of time. My dad has a lot of anger problems and he doesnt kno how to handle them. He thinks that wat his doing is okay when it's really not. I as a daughter can't stand my dad hitting my mom the way he does. I feel really bad beacuse i start thinking why did it got to be my parents? why does all this happen to my life. I have my mom's family support in this case but i kinda feel acward whenever i tell other people because its kind bad to tell thm that my own dad hit my mom. Whenever i see my dad beating up my mom i just feel my heart pumping really fast, like if its gonna come out. I feel soooo bad that im so angry with my dad that he gives us his family that kind of life. i have one brother and one sister. There both small so im the oldest. I have seen more things in life that i shoudn't be seeing right now. I dont know what to do. Im really scared! I know that i should call the cops when all that caous happens but i just can't. WHY? Well beacuse its my own parents. I can't see myself putting my dad in jail. Even though he says im not his daughter and him telling me about the worst i can't send his jail. Its just not me. Its really hard for me to concentrate in school. Every argument that passes with my mom and dad i feel that its just getting worst. He hits us like if we were guys. I seriously think that every argument they get and my dad hits her i feel like if his hitting her harder and one of these days his going to leave her dead. By the way he hits her, I just can't stand my own dad hitting my mom. Yes i might stop the fights but i still cant believe what kind of da i have. And i hope that if you're a daughter like me and has these problems i suggest you talk to someone you can trust. Beacuse i can't stand on keepin all this to myself and not doing nothing to helpo my family to get better.

courage to leave him - Jon - Nov 6th 2009

I have been in an abusive relationship for 7 years now and I am finally seeing it for what it really was, and I am finally having the courage to leave him.  The abuse started out as what he called "joking" and when I complained about it I was told that I was too "onion skinned" and couldn't take a joke, and I believed him.  I was blamed for everything that was wrong in the house and the relationship, again I beleived him.  Through his abuse he pushed me to attempt suicide twice, and that didn't tell me anything.  Even him making me feel like I wanted to die didn't tell me anything either.  Of course he was sorry and apologetic afterwards.  Then the little physical abuse started, first it was pinching my stomach and telling me that I was fat.  Then it progressed to him flicking the end of my penis with his fingernail.  I thought he doesn't know how much that hurts, but come to find out he sure did know.  Then it progressed to forced oral sex.  Still I did not leave.  I figured that it was all my fault and that some how I deserved it.  I understand now how it is hard to leave an abusive relationship, it goes in cycles and you think it is better, and will continue to get better and that he didn't mean to do that.  It has taken me a year of being out of the house half of the week to realize what was going on.  It has come down to him filing for "divorce" to end the domestic partnership and not talking to me, and me being OK with it to know that I am doing the right thing by leaving the relationship, and that I did not deserve what was being done to me all these years.  Every other time he said that it was over I begged him to take me back, but not this time, I have finally had enough.

Epiphany - Pain for Enlightenment - Nov 3rd 2009

I had two ephipanies in my life, both made me close to death (car accident and domestic violence). I am educated, can financially provide for myself and well integrated into mine and many other societies. I was my husband's biggest fan. When failed I loved and supported him. When he succeeded I did the same and more. Although each side has its own story, one must remember: SEE!!! We often don't; clouded by emotion, other's opinions, personal needs for gradification, etc...Please SEE!!!. FYI, the abusive relationship you survive today, can prevent another for tomorrow. Also, you and the abuser can have bad charma together, but apart lead quite successful lives. Do not stay due to doubt or jealousy; go for freedom and self discovery. I speak from experience. My husband (currently separated and in divorce proceedings) and I lived together for over one year and the first time he punched and choked me showing violence only six weeks after we said "I do." The argument was over rather to meet and drive together to view a condo versus meeting separately to view a condo. He punched and choked me (he boxes professionally and weighs 40-50 pounds more than me. I was also walking away from him when he threw the first punch and I never verbally or physically assaulted him). Listen to the professionals, family, etc. I had family warn me throughout his prince-charming phase and I missed it. Remember, the abuser didn't become independent overnight or by their mere presence on earth. I have a three year old and anyone can be independent.

Abuse in all forms - - Oct 31st 2009

It is becoming clear that after 2 years in my current relationship that after reading all of the posts in here that I am in another abusive relationship. My abuser is tricky, he does not hit me or threaten to hurt me. He does act like he is joking around and tells me that he would like to choke me or knock me around. He always reminds me that he is bigger than me, He picks on me until he has me in tears then he tells me that I am crazy and he doesn't know how to deal with someone as crazy as me. He tells me that everything wrong in our relationship is all my fault. He is extremely bossy and he is always right, he can be extremely rude. He complains that his coworkers hate him. He says that when he sits down at the luch table everyone gets up and leaves. He says that he can not understand this because he is such a nice guy. Thank you to everyone who posted my eyes are open now.

In Response to: Someone please help - - Oct 12th 2009 - - Oct 28th 2009

You just explained my situation verbatim. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We were friends long before we started dating and he was a great friend and fun to be with. The relationship started out good, he was really sweet and we were still graduating from the friendship level into a relationship. He is going through a lot in his life (not that it's any excuse to treat me the way he does) but he has children, is going through a divorce, and is working minimum wage jobs. He barely makes enough to pay child support, let alone support himself. I supported him financially this whole year. However, as the year went on the relationship deteriorated. After only 4 months of being together he started screaming at me, calling me names, and raising his fist to me. He would scream so loud it was deafening. Even his own family asked me why I was with someone like him. I am in college and I just lost 60 pounds. The sad part is, I think I am the ugliest, fattest girl in the world. I am a size 12 now and everyone tells me I am very attractive but I cannot see it. He always tells me how fat, ugly, and unintelligent I am-- I believe it. I have no self-esteem at all. He choked me once, but it was short and did not cause me to lose my breath. I let that slide when I shouldn't have. Later, he heard me call one of my girlfriends "babe" on the phone, grabbed it, threw it, and punched me in my head accusing me of cheating on him. Then he took the wheel of my car and swerved it off the road into a ditch. I wasn't hurt, but he apologizes every time and I always reluctantly accepted it. Yesterday, he wanted to spend the night with me and I told him he couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. He started screaming, calling me names as usual. He always said I was a wimp and that I always went crawling back to my family. I said one thing that I guess pushed his buttons, and he stomped his foot so hard on my coffee table that the glass on top shattered into a million pieces. He swung at me but I ducked. He started throwing things and broke a lot of my possessions i've worked hard for. I took him home. I was afraid for my life in the car ride. He told me if I didn't return all of his things to him within an hour that he would kill me and my family. I took all of his posessions from my home and my family's homes to his friends house so that I would not have to see him.

I have not answered a phone call from since 7 last night. He continues to leave me voice mails and texts me telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I feel like I am finally away from him but I have been miserable all day because I want to answer his calls. I still feel like I love him. Why do I "love" and care for someone who treats me like this? I feel guilty for ever thinking of allowing him back into my life because I am putting my family in danger. What should I do? 

I think we all need to reach deep within our hearts and recognize the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring women that we truly are. We all need to stand up and fight against domestic violence. I will survive this. I wish all of you women the best, and I hope that you all will gain the strength to leave these bastards behind. 

Concern Mom - - Oct 27th 2009

How do I help my daughter who I know is in an abusive relationship.  We live quite some distance from each other.  She only been married two months and have gone through so much.  I know all the signs of domestice violence.   How do I help her?

10 years later - eisha - Oct 26th 2009

I have been in and out of an abusive relationship for over 10 years. My question is...is it my fault for yelling at him that I caused him to throw a beer at me that missed me but damaged our bedroom wall? I took his car keys and he took them from me by hitting and pulling my hair. Then punched my car window. I guess I'm wondering am I responsible for provoking him? Everytime I leave I always end up back with him because I never can make it through the grieving period. I am hurt-he's hurt then we get back together and the cycle re-starts. Please someone help me.

Hopefully getting a divorce 20 years old and LOST?? - - Oct 26th 2009

I got married like a stupid teenager at 16 because I wanted to start a family and know I have a constant relationship not a highschool relationship... needless to say we were only seeing each other for about 4 months and got married... about 4 months into the marriage he slapped me and I told him he better not do it again but I was okay with it at that time because I thought I deserved it... I dont even remember why he did it... Now heres only a few thigs hes done to me in the past four years I am 20 now and have a 2 almost 3 year old son he has::: Kicked me and left many scars and bruises because of it, choked me to where i have had bruises on my neck, blacked my eye, busted my nose and lips, held my mouth with his hand so hard it would peel the inner skin on lips lips or make them bleed because I was screaming for help, hit my head very hard numerous times, hit my head against hard objects many times, pushed me so hard that once the wall in our trailer cracked, left many many bruises on my arms of handprints because of the force of his hands, pinched me if we were in public to where I would bleed, let my son watch and tells him its okay because mommy deserved it, if I threaten to leave he threatens me with a "bullet in between my eyes", on occasion I have said I'll call my Daddy (whom is a very strong man) and let him handle someone his own size ( he is 200 pounds more then me) and he said if I did he would be a dead man before he caould even step foot out of his truck... Thats only a few of the things I can think of off the top of my head and for four years now I have put up with it and I am now hopeing that we will both keep to our for now "consintual" divorce we will be getting or filing for in Feburary but theres still one more thing is says if we get a divorce were not getting one unless I give him Full custody I dont want to but I feel its the only way out... according to him hes not going to keep me from seeing my son or hold him against me in any way but my son isnt going to live with a crackhead if I decide to get remarried or a boyfriend so what should i do guys??I really hope he will stick with the divorce but he just dosent want to consider joint custody or anything and I really really dont want to keep his son away from him or get a TPO...A little help please?? 

Am I being "abused" or am I over acting? - shar - Oct 17th 2009

4yrs of good and bad times.... I can go on and on but I will leave it simple.  Always handing out money or paying, never getting a thank you... he says its becuase i expect it he does not say it, or because i dont give him enough time to say it. Pushes me at times, choked me, fracture my finger...( he said it happened because i put my hands up ..to block him)  throws things at me or toward me, puts me down... example... i will never find anyone with my depression, i dress old, im no fun, im a bad mom..my son doesnt even love me, i dont know how to love.... he has wripped my shirt... and bangged on me several times, threw a toaster oven toward my way...Those are just a few examples, NO IM NOT GETTING BEAT OR HE DOES NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BUT in my car if im hot he will turn on the heat because he is cold.  Its my car!   I know i sound COMPLETELY CRAZY... HE BLAMES HIS ANGER PROBLEM ON ME... I'M THE ONLY GIRL THAT HAS EVER MADE HIM ANGRY.... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING...WE LIVE TOGETHER AND HE WAS ESCORTED OUT BY THE POLICE DUE TO MY SISTER CALLING BECAUSE HE HAD GRABBED ME AND HURT ME... NOT  alot he didnt beat me but physically hurt me... well i am done with him but he has no where eles to live had a hard life growing up and i let him back just till he gets on his feet. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY?  I DONT LOVE HIM I AM ANGRY THAT I ALLOWED THIS NOW HE IS BACK ...IM NOT SCARED OF HIM..I AM EXHAUSTED JUST SO TIRED.. PLS HELP WITH WORDS OF ADVICE!

I WANT OUT, I WANT TO HEAL, I WANT TO LIVE - MRS FREDERICK GREENE (RAQUEL BURTON GREENE) - Oct 16th 2009

Hello Ladies,

I sat here and read your stories, I feel the pain coming from the words you ladies write. My heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you. I am in a situation where I met Frederick Greene in Bessemer Alabama. We dated for 5 years and last year, we decided to get married. Throughout the relationship, I stayed with this man, I helped him with his bills and he never paid mine. I took care of him while he was sick and he will let me die in a gutter if he can do it. He cheated on me with crack head women from the Foundry Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation in Bessemer, with the crack head women that lives there. He slept with a crack whore named Yolanda Lanier that lived there while she "recover" from crack cocaine addiction. I purchased a bedroom set for him and while we were married, he put me and my kids out of the  house and let yet another crack head by the name of Lisa Nadine Bowers sleep with him in our marital bed. His mother died a month ago, he never have any money and could not afford to go to bury his own mother, so I took time off from my job, drove him to Cleveland Ohio so he can be with his family to bury his mother. Since day one I had this man back. I gave him money for his mortgage, car note, light, gas, water, dog food and took money from my household to make sure he was taken cared of.

I do no drugs, alcohol, I do not run the streets, I go to work, take care of my kids and go to church. I thought I would be a good wife for a man. I thought I was the perfect wife for him. But I see that I am not good enough and will never be good enough for him. He still treat me like dirt. He still disrespect me, calls me a whore and he out there sleeping with them. He calls me everything but the child of god and then turns around and want me to bail him out of another bad situation that he got himself into.

I put up with this shit for 6 years and it is 6 years too long. I finally realized that he will never change and will never love me. The time I wasted with this man I could be in a healthier relationship with a real man that can show me love, tenderness, affection. A real man that can be a provider for me and my girls and not try to get what he can from us. But ladies this is where I am having a problem. He abuses me physically and emotionally, I am stressed out all the time, my skin will not stop breaking out, I am losing weight and hair and he tells me how ugly I am and that I look more like a "man". Today he told me I was not his "wife". I mean nothing to him.  I realized he only married me because I am his walking ATM MACHINE and the crack whores on the street obvious can not take care of him.

As I sit here typing this, my bags are packed and in my car.  I found a house and will be paying my own mortgage, car note, taking care of myself and getting on with my life. My heart is broken. I realized that he will never change and he will continue to hurt me and break my spirit if I continue to stay. I am tired of living like this and my children are tired of seeing me like this. I pray to god everyday to take care of me. To give me strength to deal with this. God did not put us here to be mistreated. God loves me, I know my husband don't but God loves me. He showed me signs 6 years ago and I chose to turn a blind eye to everything that is going on. I know he is still seeing Lisa Bowers, she just got released from Montgomery Based Community Institution. She is a crack head and violated her probation. This woman even slept with male relatives in MY FAMILY and my family bought this info to my attention. And he still chose her over me. My heart aches every day, but the pain is getting better. With Gods help I can over come all this and move on and heal. I am going to live. I WILL LIVE. HE CAN NOT TAKE MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME. TODAY I WILL LEAVE MY ABUSIVE HUSBAND. LADIES, BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS, IT WILL GET BETTER. KEEP PRAYING, KEEP YOUR FAITH, DO NOT GIVE UP. THAT IS WHAT THESE MEN WANT YOU TO DO. THEY WANT YOU TO LAY DOWN AND DIE FOR THEM. I WASTED SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR A MAN THAT NEVER TOOK CARE OF HIS FIRST WIFE OF 15 YEARS AND NEVER TOOK THE TIIME TO RAISE HIS SON AND HIS DAUGHTER, MICHELLE AND FREDERICK JR.

Ladies good luck and may god bless each and every one of you. I have a meeting with a attorney monday and I am going back to school to earn a degree. There was a man that wanted me, he have a good paying job, goes to church every sunday, work for alabama power company and make over 80,000 a year. I let him slip through my fingers because I was so head over heals in love with a dumb ass fool. George Poplar is a REAL MAN. He wanted to take care of me and my two children. He is a perfect role model for any child. He gave me money, helped me with my bills, was there for me when I was sick and when I needed someone to talk to or just a good comfort hug he was there. I LET A GOOD MAN GO. Now he moved on with someone else. He got tired of waiting for me, waiting to choose. He is gone. But one day God will send me another angel and he will send a real man to love you ladies too.

I am putting the keys to his house on the nightstand and I am putting an end to this six year nightmare. It is hard, and I know it will be rough. but I need to heal. I want my life back, I want ME back, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

is it really love? - lost me - Oct 15th 2009

This is what im goin through for 4yrs Im so done! Im 4 month pregnant but I feel like I gotta get away from him now I cant take it no more as much as I love him I will leave him. I tried to work it out with him but it just wont and it will never! What really always kept me was that I wanna feel loved but to be honest he dont love me and if it is sure a different typ of love then mine.

To:Someone please help - - Oct 12th 2009

Reading your blog really felt like I was reading something out of my own life.  I have been going through the same exact things that you have. He says the same things your boyfriend says to you, leaves bruises and chokes me as well, yet I refuse to admit it's abuse.    I keep forgiving him even though I know it's wrong.  I don't tell anyone because I feel they'd think in their heads how idiotic I am to stay with him.  He gets to be so intimidating and frightening that I just agree with him just so I wont get hurt.  He even blamed me, saying that it was my fault because I made him so angry.  Even as I write this I feel guilty for talking about him behind his back. 

 I know you want a response that will help, and although it's hypocritical of me to say, break up.  I'm still searching for the courage to do it, maybe you can.  We both know the only option is to leave them. Just know that at this very moment, you're not alone in what you're dealing with. 

P.S. We need to realize how many other great men there are that we're missing out on because we're staying with these losers.

Someone please help - - Oct 12th 2009

I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I'm afraid of telling any of my friends or family members of my abuse because I have always been the "strong one" and now I'm so weak. What went wrong? I'm 25 and met my boyfriend 3.5 years ago through a friend. He was so nice, caring, loving and romantic. He was truely a knight and shining armor. He had flaws - divorced, in-between jobs, but I accepted him. It was about a year into the relationship when he started with the emotional abuse. Name calling, put downs, insalts, he made me feel guitly about all of my friends. I eventually withdrew from everyone and he consumed me whole. I was not allowed to hang out with my friends, if I even attempted to go anywhere with them he would start with the abuse and get physical sometimes. About 2 years in he started with the physical abuse. At first I didn't think it was physical abuse because it was "just" a push or shove. He choked me, hit me with other objects, kicked me, threw me against the wall, left bruises on my upper arms, left my whole body so sore for a few days, hit me with his open palm against the side of my face and head. I thought that it wasn't considered abuse since he didn't leave "marks" on me and didn't punch me. I'm still in denial, but I know this isn't a normal relationship. Is there anything better? I want to leave so bad, but I am truely afraid to be alone and honestly I don't want him to start another relationship with someone else (I know this sounds stupid, but its how I feel). He curses me almost every day "stupid dumb bit*ch" "fu*k you dumbass" ect. I feel apart of me crumbling everyday. He has taken the best parts of me and I'm afraid I will never be the same. There are days when he is so nice and calm and loving, it reminds me of the old boyfriend I had. Maybe it's the reason I stay. I'm young, smart, graduating nursing school next year, I've been told I'm very attractive, but have the lowest self-esteem.

Please help me, anyone who is willing to listen.

Still chipping away at the ego! - Richard - Sep 26th 2009

Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you know that I have made another step towards my healing.  As I read my last post back in March, I still realize that there was that "Ego" thing happening.  As much as I am focused on being the best single father around I was still angy at my ex-wife and using matrimony debt as an excuse.  I am happy to share with you all that I have let go of some more ego.

After spending a lot of money to have a separation agreement drawn up, my ex-wife refuses to sign as she does not want to pay her half of the debt and because of this I cannot file for a divorce.  My lawyer informed me that she wants the separation agreement signed before I file for divorce.

I cannot express to you how angry I was and after all this drama, I have decided to let go of the matrimony debt.  All I want now is closure and the money means nothing to me now.  Although I am still struggling financially, I am still managing to keep the mortgage going and food on the table and to be honest that's all the matters to me now.  Keeping my children happy, healthy and safe, that's it!

My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone and if there are some words of wisdom I have gained the last year and a quarter it is this, "Love yourself, be good to yourself!"  Work on your true self, be kind to yourself, get help, get counseling and more important get out!

Abuser have their own issues, stop enabling them, stop believing in their lies, stop being a victim and for me I have never been so mentally strong before, after 44 years of being alive on this planet, I truly feel like a man for the first time in my life.  I am walking the talk!

I love everyone who has shared and even though we may never meet in this lifetime, in my heart I want you to know I consider you all my friends and always remember this, friends don't treat friends bad, start being your best friend to yourself and you will attract other good people in your life and yes, they will become your friend.

Richard

 "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  Confucius

confused - - Sep 13th 2009

i dont know what to do im 20 yrs old and im with my fiance now n nothing is getting better. i had new him ever since i was 4 yrs old. dating on n off from that point on its been three yrs just about now and our realtionship turned for the worst in the first year. he had beat me so my lip was busted open the skin under my tongue wasnt attached, sayin im just a big mistake and so much more i really dont feel comfortable saying. the only family i have available around me is my father n he keeps saying to me: ur not goin to leave him stop wasting my time and he hangs up. its difficult knowing u have family but dont know where to turn. But also everytime u go to turn it gets thrown in ur face o i done this for u or that for u,or else its if u leave where will u go u dont have any fanily around you and you already know its true, or even if u leave ill deal with ur family and it hurts to be able to picture any of this i was in a realtionship b4 we got back together and went through this but it was a lil less worst yea i ended up with broken bones and crap like that but it never came to the point where they tried to suffocate me with a bag or a pillow. my mom isnt in no type of postion to even help me she has parkinsons disease and shes goin through emotional abuse. my brother is the whole way in VA cause of foster care and neither side of my family really can help and it hurts cause when u need someone to turn to u dont know who.my heart says i love him but at the same time my brain tells me to leave. b4 my last realationship happened i had lost my other fiance he had passed away and i still blame myself to this day but i know i dont deserve this its just its hard when u have nowhere u can turn or n e one to trust.i admit i fight back im not jst goin to let someone just hit me or n e thing but its difficult to actually keep up with his strentgh when their hands are registered.its just so much confusion and u dont know where to go or turn to im lost completely.

to Nichole, again... from 8/19/09... - Kathi - Sep 1st 2009

Dear Nichole,

I have been so worried about you... have you not been able to get back online? please know that there is truly someone who cares about you, and that there is someone who does care about you, and prays that you will be OK. Even if just through an email notice, or a prayer for your survival... Please post if you are able to...

Love always, Katfeed

to Nicole from your 8/19/09 Post - Kathi - Aug 20th 2009

Dearest Nicole,

I do not only wish for your strength, but I understand and pray for it. Your story is so heartbreaking, I do wish that you can know that there is really another person that cares. There seems to be so many that ignore, or justify, what happens in your life, there are so many that rush to judgement to tell you what to do. One seems so alone, at times... To be a participant in abuse, seems so alien from what we were born to do; and eventually, you wonder why the heck you were born in the first place... and why you still exist in this problem...

There is someone who understands and recognizes your pain, for what little it may be worth, but in your dialog, it may be the first step to recovery. I see whereof you have been, that is one of the problems of abuse; everyone around you ignores or dissipates the problem.

For what you believed to be 'family', is not; and somehow you have to trust your own instincts to get out from under this attitude. The abuser usually has an abusive family that protects them, and that IS usually a big portion of the problem. It is probably not 'well documented', but it is a fact according to the 'worst' of us that have to endure it.

You will find the strength to continue on, somewhere you will see that you really ARE a strong person, in spite of the words telling you that you are not, you will make it through and be a stronger, more sane person, for it. You have chosen to speak out, that alone should tell you how strong and capable you really are.

With Love, Katfeed

for dear nichloe - sarah - Aug 19th 2009

i just wanted to say firsty i hope you are ok and secondly i know how you feel when there family just sit and watch and dont say a word that happened to me,he thew me around one night at his, i told the police the next day, and the next thing i knew he had called them saying that i assalted him,i was just trying to get him of me and sratched his eye,then he told me his mum was watching everything from the window and his brothers saw everything and his friends who were around that night too,so he said he never did anything wrong he made me sleep outside that night i wasnt allowed in the house i couldnt drive home as i had been drinking,i felt so sad lost and hurt that the person i thought cared did that to me,and still to this day says he did nothing wrong,as i suppose i was on his terrotrey he felt he had all that back up so he convinced himself it was called for,so i can totally understand were your coming from,his mum and family think i am crazy and i shouldnt be with him he tells me that,i am allowed no where near his house i am not welcome,i dont get it as i never did anything wrong that night and that was the begining of our nightmare abusive relationship which is now the hardset thing ever to get out of as things have become so much worse,i havent said everything on here incase he finds it somehow.but you can get the jist of it i hope,your not alone please dont think that,you can talk to me if you like.

thinking of you and hoping your ok and have someone to talk to.

still shaking - Nichole - Aug 18th 2009

i'm in a very....VERY abusive relationship.  there is no hiding it anymore.  there is no more making excuses for him, no more saying i got 'hit with a car door' or 'walked into a bike rack'.  my entire body is covered in bruises, and it hurts to move, and breathe.  i was beat senseless the other day, by a 26 year old man that i've been dating for some time.  he tossed me around onto the tile floor, slammed me against walls, slapped me and punched me in the head so many times i passed out.  then, when he had me on the ground, choking me, his mother came downstairs. (he is 26 and lives in an apartment in his parent's basement.) 

although he was caught red-handed beating the shoot out of me, he faced no consequences whatsoever.  in fact....they tried to say that *I* am a bad influence on their son. (i will be the first person to admit that i have done something wrong in my life, and i truly did nothing to deserve this abuse. truly, honestly...if i wasn't being honest, i wouldn't be able to get help!) 

this is not the first time he has hit me and faced no consequences, either.  this is simply the worst time, and hopefully the last time...

my question is, what do i do when the parents of a 26 year old justify all of his abusive bejavior somehow? even when it makes no sense, and they know it makes no sense....they still attempt to pin blame on others, and justify and rationalize his abuse somehow.  they keep handing him money, they pay for his apartment downstairs and his car/gas/insurance, he gets EVERYTHING handed to him on a silver platter and has not ONCE faced consequences for his actions.

after he was caught choking me, his mother drove me to my brothers house.  she told me that it would be best if i just kept this "between us", meaning not tell anyone so their precious rich name would not be tarnished.  i went to my brother's, covered in bruises, shaking and crying....and she expects me to say that i got...mugged?  then why was she dropping me off?  are they insane also?

this is such a dangerous situation for me and everyone involved, and i truly don't know what to do.  i finally worked up the courage to call the police.....and they said there was nothing they could do.  i can't press charges, and a restraining order wouldn't do anything.  (many abusers, as i've read, find that restraining orders only angers the abuser and will make him come after you...)

i sit here crying and typing this, just praying to god that there is some way that justice can be served.  i'm afraid for my safety...but i'm more afraid of people like him being allowed to hurt whoever is unknowing enough to walk into his life...without facing any consequences.

let me just add....during that day when he was beating me more than ever, he told me to sit on the couch and not move, dont say a word, or he'd 'destroy' me.  his mom came downstairs....and handed him a plate with pastries on it.  he beat me up, and he gets pastries.

where is god?

someone help me.

cut your loses - - Aug 6th 2009

Ray, cut your loses, the abuse will not change and when you get married it is harder to get out. Support the children but stop the relationship Good Luck.

how do I get it to stop? - ray - Aug 4th 2009

I am in an abusive relationship with a woman.  We intended to get married, but an unplanned pregnancy put that off.  We are now in a holding pattern because I don't want to commit to an abusive marriage.  We now have a second child on the way (we are intimate).

She claims this is part of the new mother/pregnancy process and that it will get better.  She also has seen doctors for PPD, but refuses to medicate.  I saw signs of it before the pregnancies and am skeptical that is is just a transient issue.  Just yesterday, I was subjected to a profane tirade (while she was holding our baby) which ended with my work computer being thrown on the ground and destroyed.

I do not fit the profile you describe for people that stay in these relationships.  The only reason I am staying is to help the kids.  To be frank, I think her mother was abusive and her father an alcoholic although he was not violent.  I want to break the cycle.  My parents did not act this way.

Can she be helped or am I best cutting my losses?  What are the steps?

for nicole - leslie - Jun 27th 2009

Dear Nicole,

I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Remember, you are the expert of your own experience, not friends, family, PhD's or otherwise.

What you are describing about still loving your partner is a very common experience for women in abusive relationships. This is because abuse does happpen in cycles. I'm sure there are times you see the person you first started dating sometimes, or he is kind and caring, and then there is the hurtful abusive person you are often seeing.  This can be crazy making for women and keep them holding onto love or the hope he may change.

The unfortunate thing about the cycle is that it is driven by his need to feel power and control over you. Even the kindness has strings attached. And he is controlling this cycle, which is why nothing you have tried has seemed to work. You are not responsible for his abusive behaviour. It is not your fault. Only he can decide to stop this cycle.

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your situation, and it takes a lot of courage to share your story. Those feelings of love for him may never go away completely, but you deserve to live your life free from abuse.

And you made a very important point about family and friends being supportive. If you are finding that these people are not being helpful or are making you feel bad, it may be a good idea to talk to someone else. Maybe at a women's centre, someone who understands the cycle and why it is so hard to leave.

You sound like a caring, honest and brave woman.

Stay strong,

leslie

Oblivious to the obvious - - Jun 26th 2009

I have read all of the other stories, and for the + tenth time in 6 yrs I realize that I am too in a abusive relationship. I understand now how the denial and brainwashing really makes you feel like everything is really OK when it really is not. He has admitted to cheating 3 times, and treats me and my three children two of which are not his like we are never uncapable of living up to his perfect standards. The name calling and the insults make me feel like I'm hardly a real person, when deep inside I know that I am a better person that he will ever be. The co-dependency is the worst feeling ever. A single mother of 3 at 35 yrs old is never a little girls dream and the never ending put downs and guilt of the past can't be overlooked. I'm at a brick wall and know in my heart what lies ahead. Only never ending torture of lies and insults and name calling or a lonley cold new bright beginning to something only imanginable or desired. I have never been a big risk taker and think if this man excepts me and my kids and does contribute like a father should then what the heck being called a cunt and a stupid dumb whore is not all that bad. But in reality if someone really truly loves and respects you these words would never be heard. The first step in recovery is the first step in the other direction of the deranged, poor little man that has to hurt and abuse to fullfill his own insecurities.

Abuse and Prayer - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jun 22nd 2009

Dear Nicole,

I want to very gently point out to you that what you need more than prayer is to get out of this relationship.

It is interesting to read that you cannot leave this abusive man because "you love him." Sorry, but I believe that you are not being honest with yourself.

My guess is that you continue in this frustrating, unhappy and unrewarding relationship because you ashamed to leave and admit you have made a mistake and because you worry about not having a boyfriend once you leave and you will be alone.

I am pleased that you are in therapy so that, in the end, you can summon the courage and determination you need to leave this person.

We cannot change people and it is foolish to wait until they change. I always warn people in your situation that "what you see is what you get." He is mentally abusive and disrespectful to you. It will only grow worse if you stay around.

There are other young men, people who want an intimate relationship and who are respectful.

Dr. Schwartz

Why Its Hard For Me To Just Walk Away... - Nicole - Jun 22nd 2009

Im a 24 year old young woman who has been involved in a verbal/emotional/mentally abusive relationship for almost 2 years now. Prior to this relationship I was involved with a young man who wasnt abusive, however just didn't want to commit so when I ended up in this relationship I thought I had finally struck gold and met the person that I would spend the rest of my life with.  In the beginning things were WONDERFUL, we talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, spent lots of time together, I introduced him to different things and we just seemed to click.  There were red flags initially but I brushed them off assuming that it were things that he would deal with (He grew up in a home where he was verbally abused).  I fell for him and I fell hard.  I trusted him and I never thought in a million years that he would be the one person to say some of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me.  This past year has been nothing short of hell for me..  The emotional abuse started out with lies about his lifestyle and what he was doing, all of a sudden I was expected to deal with other women calling and texting him because they were just friends.  When I wouldn't go for this he would tell me that "A real women wouldn't care about other women but I guess your not a real women who is mature enough to understand that".  I started trying to tolerate things I knew werent right. He started to lash out on my for no reason however when I would call him out on this stuff he would say "you made me yell because you never think before you talk".  I began walking on eggshells all the time, I would start thinking about what I would say and text before saying anything to him because I didnt want to make him upset.  That never worked and when I would say things to him his respose would be "Did you hear what you just said? or Do you think before you say stuff?"  The most devastating thing for me to handle has been the Silent Treatment.. He has ignored me at least once or twice a month for the past year for anywhere between 2 to 5 days, simply because I said the wrong thing to him..  There is no words to describe how hurt I've felt when I would be calling and texting him and he wouldn't respond.  Ive set at home and at work and cried..  Once he is done proving whatever point he is trying to prove through not talking to me he texts me and tell me how much he is hurting and upset about the way his life is going so that sucks me right back in to feeling sorry and trying to fix his problems.. This has gone on for a year now and I recently started seeing a therapist. Last month he broke up with me so that he could "find himself" However we started back doing "couple like things" without the title a few weeks ago.. Yesterday we got into an argument so he is ignoring me again.. 

This relationship has been a nightmare for me but Ive stuck it out because I Love Him and I keep hoping that one day he will have this epiphany and see that Im a good woman and change.. Im still waiting.. I had some issues with my self esteem prior to this relationship and he has pretty much finished off any self esteem that I did have. Ive heard it all from him.. He has told me that "if I leave him, he wont be single", "Im not serious enough for him, I dont take life serious, he doesnt need to be with anyone like me, Im weak, I need to lose weight, I'm not as mature as he is..etc"  Im a college graduate and Ive lost count of the times that Ive questioned what has come out of my mouth because he basically told me that I was stupid.

Today I sit here at work and Im totally emotionally drained.  He isnt talking to me right now and it hurts but not as much as it used to  because he does this all the time.. He is hot and cold all the time and from one day to the next I dont know if he will love me or hate me.  I feel like Im on an emtional rollercoaster and I know that I will stay on it until I decide its time to get off.  I want so bad to just change my number and have nothing else to do with him but its hard when you love someone.. Im in no position to give anyone advice however if you see your relationship in anything that Ive written I hope that you would get help and work towards getting out.  If you have friends or family members in abusive relationships please dont give up on them, its difficult to hear people say "I dont want to hear anything else about it because you continue to stay"

Good Luck and Please Pray For Me...

abuser as well as the victim - - May 19th 2009

How come I feel that I am the abuser as well as the victim? I am 60. for 12 years I have loved this man. I want it to be better again. He says he does. Wants me to promise not to betray him again. Yet sill not and doesn't trust me. So I'm on a loser on that one. I am faithful. There is no other man or woman. I am more in child mode. He in angry parent mode. Now got skin problems.  I feel I am wrong all the time. Not him. My previous failings are railed against me. My mother, my adult children, I am even the hypocrite and everything else the same as a bloke that we've fallen out with. I am depressed. Low. He and I have self loathing for different reasons. His former wife attacked him physically. He has only twice mildly intimated physical abuse. I am not afraid of that . But shouting reminds me of my father and mother when I was little. I get frozen. Cant think. Need time . He's clever with words. I have made many mistakes. I only have this home. I don't know what to do. We live off my money. I think he has BPD or manic depression. I want to help him , touch him again, his eyes look deranged. I m not allowed to talk about him. I know I am being controlled, bullied, scared, but I will stand up to him. 

don't know what to do - - May 5th 2009

I have been in an abusive relation for many years. After I had given up on him, now he has changed and is nice to me..don't know what to do..haven't felt sympathy for myself in years and i don't have anyone who could listen to me for days on end. just writing this comment as i don't understand how to react now that he has changed. still continuing the marriage and trying everyday to love him better.

This is truly inspirational - - Apr 27th 2009

Hello everyone. I have never been in an abusive relationship, however reading this article and reading the responses to the article has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I had no idea how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship and how easy it is to get sucked into one. Throughout my life I have known of people who have been abused and I have always wondered why they just couldn’t pack their bags and leave. I have learned that there is so much more to packing your bags and leaving. With the people I’ve known, I see now that the abuse had a lot to do with their children and how much it meant to the women to keep their children in one stable family setting. I’m just glad that there are web sites like this for people to express their feelings. People can lean on each other here and shear their stories only to end up getting a response that can be uplifting and inspirational. I can now see that this article helped to bring people together and raise awareness about domestic violence. It is amazing how a blog can make a difference in someone’s perspective on life .To those who have yet to find a way out, keep trying everyday because you will find a way. I have faith in you, whoever you may be. Also to those who have gotten out; you inspire me to never back down to someone who treats me inhumanly.  

I have finally met someone that I feel is the love of my life - - Apr 14th 2009

I have been in abusive relationships before-more mental/emotional-because I come from a childhood, though loving many times, bred an environment where yelling and insulting and irrational verbal outrages were normal.  This did not help my self esteem and my knowledge of boundaries.As an adult, I've been so depressed at times and lonely that I have gone out with people who reinforced my negative self image.But I have finally met someone that I feel is the love of my life and he treats me well-he is not perfect-but at least he doesn't see the need to take out his insanity on someone else.  His childhood is not perfect either and maybe that is partially why we click so well-among having many other things in common-we have both had time to work through our childhood issues and know how hurtful and wrong abuse is and would never want to inflict that on someone else, least of all our loved ones.  I did not know I could ever feel love like I do--on some level I felt destined to be alone and/or in a mediocre relationship at best.  But I always carried some hope in my heart, as a hopeless romantic.  And I feel blessed now that I was given my boyfriend, because he is truly a God send, and gave me back my faith in finding true love on Earth.Whether you believe in God or not, just know there is something out there in the universe that will pull you to the one that you were meant to be with-and that sure as hell isn't the abuser. Just let them go f*ck themselves-because that is all they feel in their narcissistic minds is worthy of love anyhow.  

Let go of the hate and you will lose the weight of the world and you'll see a light! - Richard - Mar 25th 2009

Hi everyone I wanted to share some of the things I've going through, first of all I to apologize at some at my previous posts, although I was not lying to you all, there was still an underling of hate and vengence I had for my ex-wife as I wrote them. 

I am proud to say after 7 1/2 months I have let go have thinking of ways of getting back at my ex-wife.  Yesterday was the first time I saw her since my shifting and I almost started to cry.  I truly feel sorry for her, it saddens me what is going to happen to her soon in court.  All I am doing is protecting my children as I seek a settlement towards our seperation and pending divorce, I need help financially as I am slowly sinking paying a mortgage, legal fees, food, bill, etc., all by myself and I am looking for a job right now with no luck.  My children are my focus and what keeps me going.

If there is anything I can share with you that will make a difference, please let go of the hate and angry you have for what your partner done to you as soon as you can.  You will begin to feel alive again once you do so.

One thing I would like to share with everyone is that I have been watching the television show, "Intervention" on A&E, I've heard about this show and don't have cable so I couldn' watch it.  You can find it on YouTube.  I can't express to you how much this program has help me come to closure, so many unaswered questions regarding my ex-wife's behavior were answered and to see other people go through what I am going through and what I am feeling was very powerful for me.  I am more awake than ever!

I wish I could put my ex-wife through an intervention but she surrounds herself with people that enable her.  It is my wish and hope that she wakes up for the sake of our children.  Our pending court date will just acknowledge her responsibilities in regards to matrimony law.

I still have faith that oneday she will realize what she is doing for our daughters sake and become at least a good mother for them.  As far as my ex-wife and I are concerned, it's over, yes this saddens me however I am no longer the weak co-depentant person I once was.  I am a new stronger person that will be the best father I can be for my children and if there is any silver lining in my situation it is this.  I love my children so much that I will overcome any obsticle I may face, dispite this reccession or my ex-wife's behavior.

Thank you everyone for letting me share and for your patience with me.  I love you all, I love my girls and most important I love myself.

Richard.

I am devestated over the loss of my abuser. - fairlyodd - Mar 12th 2009

As rediculous and stupid as it sounds. Thats how I feel. We have been togerther for 15 years, married for 8 of those years with 2 little boys. In the beginning we fought a lot, we were both jelous and insecure and wanted to spend all of our time together. We may have been able to work through this by building trust but instead my husband began to pull away from me to do things he shouldn't have been doing. He told me he had a struggle with homosexual fantasies, he had all kinds of sex toys, pornography, lingerie and videos. When he told me about this it was while crying, like a confession, asking me for help, saying "I'm not gay" over and over. All of that proved to be an act so he could try and get me to participate in this stuff. I didn't agree with it and wanted him to just get rid of it. This mixed with drinking is when the verbal abuse began, which lead to emotional, mental and physical abuse. He would call me names, make me feel inadequite for not playing along, and eventually would just go and sneak behind my back and do it. He would spend more time, money and energy on that then he did on our sex life. He then began to try and convince me to go to a gay bar where he could find someone to mutually masterbate with. I was afraid if I didn't go that he would also go behind my back and persue this, like he had the other things. So I went, well, one day while I was gone to work and he was home (because he wasn't working, he rarely had a job in those days) he called me saying how guilty he felt for having one of the men from the gay bar come over for oral sex and masturbation.

He told me how guilty he felt and was so loving and "into me" after that, that I forgave him and we moved on. He promise that he would never do that again, but the fantasies, pornography etc continued and my resentment over them was greater than ever because now I knew they posed a threat to him being faithful. I would always object and be looking for any sign of him using the toys etc. And would blow up every time I caught him. This made me want to leave and persue a normal relationshipwhich made him angry, the abuse escalated at this point because he knew of my thoughts to leave him. I would frequently have to go to work on no sleep, with bruises and marks from the all night fighting. I just wanted him to stop and he wanted to force me to stay and accept whatever he wanted to do.  He would call me a whore, accuse me, all while he did as he pleased. I became pregnant after 4 years and the physical abuse went on during my pregnancy, throwing me on the floor, holding me down etc. I have 3 kids from my previous marriage who witnessed some of these things and were damaged from them. Once I had our son, by c-section, his mother brought his ex-girlfriend over with her to see the baby the first day we were home. She was staying with his parents for awhile because my husband has a daughter with her and I guess they thought it was acceptable to bring her along. I was upset and when they left I told him so. This brought an immediate reaction of anger, name calling, etc and I defended my position that they were wrong in bring her there. My husband took our 5 day old son and put him on the bed and began to throw me on the bed etc. I was so afraid that my incision would rip open and all my guts would fall out. I hated him for that and my resentment and anger continued to grow.  I wanted to leave but with 4 kids, no fmaily near by and no job, I didn't have any way to do so. So I planned, I would save and slowly plan my way out. But as the weeks and months past, my husband was trying. And I began to have to have hope that we could be a decent family. So I abandoned my plans to leave and once again focused on being with him and making it work. But then the abuse started again. I would find that he had been making trips to the porno shop and making videos of himself with his toys. It made me sick and my resentment was there again. I would blow up everytime I found the stuff and tell him to get rid of it or I was leaving. This would cause him to become violent and abusive on every level. I wanted him, loved him, needed him, but could not accept him doing this. He would misuse everything for this purpose too, his recording equipment he used to make sick recordings of himself and his gay talk, and everytime I left the house getting the stuff out and making videos, or whatever, he was in adult chatrooms, used his portable dvd player to watch videos. It was like thats all he thought about. The whole time, calling me a whore and a cunt and anything else he could think of. Over the next few years, he broke my hand taking a swing at me,threw a piece of glass while drunk and it hit me in the forehead so hard that 2 years later I still have complete loss of feeling on the whole upper half of my head. He is a sneak, liar, cheat,drunk who abuses not only me but now he calls my adult cildren all the names he has always called me. And just 2 days ago I found that he has a profile page on craigslist looking for women. He emails me 75-100 times a day saying every hateful thing he can think of because my son told him if he touches me again, he is calling the police. And yet he can still hurt me, and I'm having a hard time focusing on leaving, why do I even care what he does after all of the years of abuse! I hate him so much but then feel like I will die if he is out of my life. I'm a mess. I joined alanon and have finally surrounded myself with people who are trying to help me leave. But inside my heart aches for the family I have wanted all these years that will never be.

Comment to "You can get out" - Richard - Mar 6th 2009

Thank you so much for sharing your journey.  I cannot express to you how much strenght your post has given me and that you now have 2 degrees, a great job and you are with a wondful partner.  I am so happy for you, I am speechless.

I just wanted to share with everyone where I'm at.  It's been 7 months since I left my abusive relationship and I am still going strong.  Things are starting to happen with the seperation and it's because I am a fighter.  I share this because there will be times you may want to quit, don't!  I am so glad I did not quit!  You will find inner strength you never thought that you possessed.

Okay back to me, my ex-wife gave me an offer that will allow her to walk away from all our acculative debt, mortgage, etc., basically she does not want to give me a dime and for me to assume all the debt.  I could not believe this offer because it offers nothing.  However in the mind of abuser their world is so dark, what is right and legal does not shine through.  I counter offered and said she can have everything she wants on the condition I become primary care giver for our children.  I will assume 440K of debt and she does not have to give me anything.  If she does not agree then I will foreclose on my home dragging her with me.  I can rebuild, I can rent, I will do whatever it takes to provide for my children, however I cannot let her bully me anymore.

I love my children so much, I would gladly go into several million dollars of debt for them.  They are my strength, they are the reason why I am still alive today, they are why I keep fighting.

It is my hope that this post gives you the strength to continue to keep fighting for yourself, to free yourself of thoughts that cannot live without the abuser in your life, you can live and survive without abuse, you can become stronger, you can create the life that you dreamed about and deserved.

As I mentioned it's only been 7 months for me and for the first time since this progress began, I kind of see a light of hope at the end of the tunnel. I still need help, I am aware of this but thanks to my support group and working out, which helps burns away the feelings of helplessness and frustrations, I am going to survive for my children and more important for myself.

Thank you for letting me share, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone that has ever been abused and my gratitute to those who have moved forward to bigger and better things.  I look forward to joining you all oneday!

 Richard.

Change is slow...maybe too slow - Still hurting - Mar 2nd 2009
My wife had left our home for four days to figure herself out and asked if she could come home.  I said that we would have to talk.  She came home and we talked for hours. She declared that she was abusive and realized that neither the kids nor me were ever first in her life.  She acknowledged, through discussions with her sister, that her dad had been a controller and an ass their entire lives.  I thought that I should give my wife another chance.  That was a month ago.  Now she is starting to show the same old controlling traits that were at full strength prior to her humbling apology.  In a recent conversation she told me that she didn't think that she had been that hard to live with.  She said that she thought that she supported most things I wanted to do.  I was amazed.  I had to fight her to get my Master's degree. There was no discussion when I was offered an doctoral opportunity.  We had the number of children she chose to have.  As for the small stuff, every time I left the house for anything, it was a big ordeal.  The longer the absence the greater the guilt payment.  I can't believe the words I hear coming out of her mouth.  It is like we lived in two different worlds and now she is trying to erase my perceptions of what happened by substituting my thoughts with hers.  She was mean and needy forever and now she is pretending that she was so nice. The last few years, I decided to do whatever I wanted and even now she still tries to control me.  Do these people ever change?  I think she pretended to change, just to be invited back.  Now the honeymoon is over, I see the same old gal I enabled for years.  She is on medication which is changing under a physicians supervision, but her anger and memory are incredible.  If I hadn't journaled the last two years, I would doubt my perceptions on how things went down.  Do abusers ever change?  Do they just say what needs to be said to be forgiven?  Do they actually believe their perception of events?  Do they remember what they were like and how they behaved?  I thought she was willing to change, but now I fear it was just a ploy. 

You can get out! - - Feb 11th 2009

To all of you who are trying to leave an abusive relationship, and those who have left recently, I wish you all of the strength in the world!  I am a survivor of a horribly abusive relationship, and have been free from that lifestyle for 4 years now.  I spent 6 years with a man who managed to convince me that I could not go on without him, that noone else could ever "love me the way he could."  I can't even begin to describe how brainwashed I became through this relationship.

Though this had been going on throughout most of the relationship, the night I planned to leave became the worst night of the relationship, and the worst night of my life.  As many of you know, most often when a victim gets killed, it is when he/she is trying to leave the relationship.  Don't do this last minute!!  Be prepared for the worst, and have people (friends, family, neighbors, law enforcement) there to help you when you leave.  In my case, I was not prepared, and when he came home early and saw what I was doing, he had one of his "episodes" and nearly killed me.  (The resulting brain damage caused me to have to have brain surgery the following year.)  By the grace of God, I was able to get away to a safe place.  Later that night he was arrested, and a few days later was charged with attempted 1st degree murder. 

For those of you who think you might be in an abusive relationship, YOU ARE.  If not, it wouldn't have crossed your mind to reasearch this topic and be reading this now.  People are around to help each of us.  WRAP (men and women's rape assistance) can help.  They do not just assist victims of rape; they will help anyone in an abusive relationship with shelter, counseling, assistance and support in court, and much more.  I will be forever grateful for the things they have done for me over the past few years. 

If you are afraid, have faith that things will get better.  They do!  I was very codependent, and convinced by this coward that I would be forever miserable without him, and that is what took me so long to leave.  I have since that time finished 2 college degrees, met a wonderful partner, obtained a job that I love, and I am HAPPY WITHOUT HIM!! 

Tame your ego and the rest will follow! - - Jan 7th 2009
First of all, my sympathies to you regarding the loss of your son, I can’t imagine how you must feel.  I am truly sorry for your lost. Now to your comments, I can totally relate to how you are feeling towards your wife.  I too have been in your situation and can understand what you are going through and believe it or not, not do I only read books on self-help I work as a speaker in that industry.  For the last several years I was not walking my talk, yes I did put on a good show for my audience, however deep down inside I was not being real.  My soon to be ex-wife controlled all the money, decorated the house, I was not allowed to put any of my pictures up, she had total control, let me rephrase that, I enabled her.  I truly believe the reason why I was not success in life and business up until now was because I was living a life of an illusion, I was married to someone that did not want to be with me, nor did she want to have children.  That’s okay by me, as far as I am concerned I receive the better deal and would not trade my two daughters for anything.  If I had to do it all over again I would, I love my girls! I believe you have lied and compromised yourself so much over the years you can’t see a way out, it’s called codependence, just like a drug, you don’t believe you can survive without it.  You can kick the habit and free yourself from your own bondage.  So what you are in your fifties, it could be worst, you could be writing your comments 10 to 20 years from now, you have a chance to break free and experience true happiness.  You are the only person that can make yourself happy, stop making your wife happy and start making yourself happy, once you tasted this, you will be amazed at the strength you possess, you can do it!! I believe the first step in your journey was reading the above article and asking for help.  It is our ego that prevents us from asking for help, from moving forward, life is too short to live in ego, be happy, be yourself, tame your ego and start being real, start enjoying life, start living life, you deserve it and so does your daughter. I don’t know what else to share with you except that I am happy that you have made a first step.  It’s up to you to take another step forward.  Please surround yourself with loving and supportive people, get counseling and keep asking for help. As far as your wife’s father is concerned, just ignore him and he will leave you alone.  My ex-wife’s mother mentally and physically abused her when she was a child and her step-father sexually abused her as well, believe it or not my ex is living with her mother and has a relationship with her step-father.  Go figure?  I would like to mention that these people don’t like me, I am standing up to their daughter and they don’t like it.  She walked out on the marriage and wanted me to hand her everything and I didn’t so in everyone’s mind, I am being unreasonable.  I am fighting for myself and for my children for what is right and for what is the law says I am entitled to. I would like to mention that my ex-wife is now playing the stalling game.  I cannot move forward with the separation until she does a financial disclosure and has a meeting with my lawyer and hers, it’s called a 4 way meeting.  So far she is taking her time doing what is required and our first meeting was rescheduled because she took a vacation to South America, knowing we had a meeting lined up. I will never understand why an abuser still wants to keep control of the abusee, our marriage is over, let’s move on, let’s separate, let’s divide up all our assets, let’s focus on raising our children in the most healthy environment we can despite the circumstances but no, she does not want to do so.  I cannot control her actions all I can do is control how I feel and deal with the situation and yes I do have my moments but when I think of my girls and the day I will get remarried to the right woman, this gives me strength and courage.  I can do it and so can you!!! Thanks for letting me share, Richard. PS. Yes, I still believe in the institution of marriage, yes I choose wrong but I have two beautiful daughters out of the deal and I can live with that!

What is wrong with me? I need to leave but haven't yet. - - Jan 2nd 2009

It is incredible to me and I see it happening, but I am still there.  I learned, just under a year ago, that I have been living with a verbally and emotinally abusive partner for 27 years.  I have read self help books and learned to counter the abuse, but I am still with my abuser.  I have incurred a lot of debt. She works part time and pays for the groceries and her gas. I pay for everything else in our relationship and did so even when the kids were younger.  This includes all the bills for eating out which we do a lot.  I wanted to live on a budget which she never did, so we continue to live her way.  I am starting to flashback and I get angry about how we have lived.  She slept in most of her life, worked part time while raising the kids, demanded respect, controled our sex life, took over the master bedroom closets in every house in which we lived and I suported it.  She was angry and unhappy most of her adult life.  It was always our fault and she never apologised.  She was mean a demanding to our kids and now they are grown and/or gone.  Our daughter dislikes the way my wife interacted with her, but my daughter and I are close.  My son died as he committed suicide at 18 and a half years old.  I still hurt and miss him every day.  My wife's abusive father has become more and more dependent over the last three years.  He was an abuser and possibly even a narcissist.  My wife learend how to abuse from a master abuser.  So now our days evolve around her helping her father, her attempting to heal from her abuse and me helping/enabling.  Why don't I have the courage to leave?  I know I need to and I must, but I am still there. I don't like to hurt people and I feel that this is keeping me from doing what I need to do.  Any advice from those who have been where I am now would be greatly appreciated.  I am in my fifties and want to eek some long term hapiness from this journey and don't believe that it will be possible in the current setting.

You can do it, leave the abuser and free yourself. - Richard - Nov 14th 2008

I just wanted to add to the posts regarding this article.  I finally had the courage to face my wife of 8 years of her abuse in our relationship and she walked out on me and my two girls.  My ideal of support was to give her a social life and I stayed home took care of the children.  What started out as one or two nights a week, she began to go out every night not wanting to spend time with me or my children.  I confronted her about this behavior and she left us.  During this process I was confused and angry as she conveyed to me it was my fault for causing us to seperate.  I reminder her that it was her who wanted out of the marriage by her behavior.  During the first week after she left, she would say to me how much she missed me, etc., playing mind games to keep control of me.  I had the courage to ask her if we could fix this and if she would help me financially raiser our daughters, her reply was, "no".  I then filed a court order for child support against her the next day and then hired a lawyer.  I believe the reason why people who have been abuse wait, is that you pray that the abuser will change their mind.  It was quite apparent that my wife left the relationship years ago emotionally as during the break up she was unemotional and there was not one tear from her.  She asked that we if we can split  up our two homes without lawyers.  I felt that there was something wrong with this, my lawyer then open my eyes to what was happening, the house she wanted had a lot of equity in it, the house I was living in had very little.  I have acomulated a lot of debt during our marriage, this is called a shared debt and she must pay half of it.  If I would of let her have her way I would of lost almost 30 thousand dollars.  What makes me ill is the emotional pain she is putting our children through and she does not care.

This experience has made me a stronger person I realized that I have been co-depentant all my life and I want to this to stop.  I want my next relationship to better, I want to be with a woman that wants to spend time with me and my children.  I am not asking much, however from her it seems like a lot.  Knowing this I cannot be married to this person.

 It has been over 14 weeks and I have already been out on a couple of dates with women that enjoy my company already and I am in the process of splitting up all our assets and shared debt.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to finally being good to myself and therefore I can be a better and stronger father for my children.

 I do not regret for ending my abusive marriage and I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel and meeting the woman of my NEW DREAMS in the future.

I wish everyone all my love and support.  You can stop the abuse and move forward and be with someone that will love and treat you with respect as any normal healthy relationship requires.

 You deserve it and so do your children!!!

This has been amazing for me! - Niesje - Nov 10th 2008

 I've posted several comments on here, and have not been with my abusive expartner for almost a year now. It has been a long road, but as I've mentioned before after taking accountibility of my role I played in this it was very clear to me that I have choices. I've read a lot about why, how etc and spiritual, selfhelpbooks you name it. I never want this in my life again and I realise that it is something in me that I have to recognise and change, take responsibility for my own life. A friend of mine enrolled me into the Land Mark Forum, its a three day course, which are given all over the world. Its been absolutely amazing. I can not really explain, but over the three day course they show you why certain things that you do, how they effect your life and how to really reinvent yourself. People have said to me when I told them, that it sounds like a cult or airy fairy. Nothing could be further from the truth, you know, what have you got to lose? We invest in our houses, cars, clothes etc. But too give YOURSELF three days of your life and the chance to really turn it around we are sceptical about. I can only say that I have peace in my life again, that I wasn't all those things I perceived to be, that I can start all over and put the past in the past. Just think about it as I said you have nothing to lose.

Wish you all a better, more fullfilling, loving life

be strong - Suzi - Sep 11th 2008

Erin. YOU have to be strong and get out now. It's never too late. I just got out of a VERY abusive marriage. The statistics show that until the abused leaves for good, they will go back to the abuser 7-8 times before they have had enough. It's true. I lost count how many times I went back to him. I too, "Loved him so very much and couldn't imagine life without him." I 've known him for 20 years of my life. The key here Erin is , you have to love yourself more than you do him. You would never hurt yourself in anyway. You are a strong woman and can do this.

When you do leave him, he will pull out ALL the punches and tricks up his sleeve from making you feel guilty for leaving him all alone to making you feel jealous of things so you'll take him back. It's easier to stay than to leave-trust me. We have a daughter together who is 2 years old now but the first sign of my abuse was when I was 2 months pregnant with her. He threw me around on the bed like a wet noodle. Things continued on the longer I stayed. name calling, degrading me, jealousy of me and my life before him, my friends and family went away to make my life easier to deal with him, mental,verbal and physical abuse. You name it-he dealt it.

When my daughter was 6 months old he came home drunk and beat the living crap out of me. Thats when I left him for the first time. It took a full year of back and forth with him to finally get the guts up to leave him for good. I am a MUCH happier person now. I can be myself and have a wonderful boyfriend now who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He has never raised his voice let alone a hand at me. There is a better life out there for you sweetie. You just have to want it bad enough and find the courage to take it and run like the devil with it. Good luck and I hope to hear from you. We all could use someone to talk to-especially those who have been through it. feel free to contact me- Thinking of you. Suzi

Mental Abuse - Erin - Sep 9th 2008

I have spent the whole afternoon reading everyones posts and I really feel for everyone out there. Thank you for all of your comments of support and well wishes to everyone else out there too, that really helps others who have not yet been as strong as you to walk away.

I myself am in a very demanding abusive relationship. I need some help and guidance of where to turn to and what to do now. I suspect my partner has BPD also which makes this even harder to cope with. Nothing I can do is right nomatter how big or small. He demands so much of my attention and love but when he gets it, its still not enough. He made lists of times I 'hurt' him and made him feel alone and worthless or to the point of 'necking himself' I told him the fact those thoughts crossed his mind means he needs help, considering the times he refers to were work functions or concerts where he was either invited and chose not to come or was not able to as he was working himself. I have such a loving caring strong family who I am very close to but I have been almost isolated from them due to his demanding and jealousy.

I could go on for hours about the things he has done to me, called me, made me feel, but my main concern now is not focusing on what he has done, its focussing on how to leave him forever, Please give me tips on how to walk away without going back. We have broken up almost 4 times now, but everytime he fills me with promises it will change, and never does. I always go back because I am weak and love him so much and cant fathom my life without him in it. He is destroying the strong independant woman that I once was, and I need to get her back before she is gone forever... I once wanted to stick around and help him, but I know now I am not a doctor, nor will he change now.

the scars are healing - Marina - Sep 8th 2008

I have wondered a long time why I stayed with a man who threatened to kill me, who choked me, belittled me, bullied me... I walked on egg shells, perhaps that's too mild a description or too cliche, for fifteen years.  It didn't happened everyday, probably because I adapted- whats the expression adapt or die?

Perhaps It was fear, but in someways I think I was ashamed. I didn't want any one to know that I was being beaten or abused. I was ashamed to find myself in this situation. Here I am an educated woman, two post graduate degrees, trapped by an abusive husband who controls my life and threatens my professional standing.

I think back on it and I wondered why I stayed. I felt so numb when it was happening and when it was over. I wasn't alive for 15 years. I was surviving.

Wake up to yourselfs! - Niesje - Sep 2nd 2008

I have written on here twice before, reading those comments, makes me realise how far I've come. But also makes me think, where was my head! A lot more has happened since then. Although the relationship for me is finally finished and has been so for the past 8 months.  He has moved to the little country town I have lived in for 8 years, has moved 2 streets behind my house. Although he has a new girlfriend kept contacting me. Now I have an intervention order out against him.

I have finally taken responsibility for my role in all this. I have allowed someone to do this to my life. Regardless of the fact that what he has done is totally wrong, I still accepted his bad behaviour every single time by taking him back. And given him a free ticket on how to treat me. Once I realised this, and I know people can tell you till they are blue in the face, you have to come to that point all by yourself, I felt like a big weight had lifted of my shoulders. Because what you don't recognise you can't change. Believe me life, love isn't meant to be like this!! Its all a lot of bullshit what  they and you put yourself through. Get out when you see warning signs, they are there for a reason. Listen to your body, your gut will tell you. And if all fails, imagine your kids faces, think of how fast time passes, what this will do to their lifes, how they view relationships etc. How they will look back at this time of their lifes. As fun or miserable? Do you honestly want that for your own children. Stop being selfish, think of them. You have a responsibility to show a good example, offer them a safe nurturing environment. So they can grow up into adults that are stable, happy people. What are you showing them? Both your sons and your daughters? How NOT to live a happy, healthy life? I'm really sorry if all this sounds harsh, but at one point, my very supportive girlfriend through all this said the same to me. And I thank her for it, because after going back for yet another time, I had no one to blame for it then myself. I needed someone to shake me out of this .How many times does it have to happen before we realise that enough is enough and thinks aren't going to change?

Life is all about choices, and deep down we all know what is a good or a bad choice. Take all the emotions out of it, just try..look at it obfectively and then ask yourself..Is this the life I want for myself and my children? Surely not.

response to Loved her so much but she made me think i was the abuser, and I was the crazy one - Tim - May 27th 2008 - Kimberly - Sep 1st 2008

I'm in the exact same boat!!! we are not crazy!  This is all part of the psychological game that abusers play.  It's their way of staying in control and twisting everything to make themselves look good.  It's time to get out.  My boyfriend (who I am struggling to get released from) just doesn't see that he is the abuser (even though every relationship he's ever been in is destructive and ends horribly and I still get along with every ex I ever had including my ex-husband of 10 years).  The pattern will not change for them - nothing makes them happy.  I've also started the name calling, hanging up on him (12 year old games) and i now have a short fuse myself.  However, I have realized that his behavior has cycled down to me.  I will not let that take over - especially for my children's sake (who are not his). Get out now...YOU'RE WRITING ON THIS POST SO YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.  Be strong, keep your head up, you are better than that and she does not deserve your love.  Do not answer calls, listen to voicemails, call her, email her.  They always have an excuse to draw you back in.  And it never ends pretty. 

A friend in need... - - Aug 16th 2008

I have a friend whom I've known for nearly 11 years. She has a boyfriend that she's been on & off with for years & he has done every abusive thing possible aside from raping her or cheating on her.

When her daughter was 2 years old, this a**hole had my friend cowering in her kitchen & this poor little 2 YEAR OLD CHILD was so scared that she wet herself. I know there were other incidents around this time where police were called but she never pressed charges, she just stayed with him.

Other incidents include him strangling her on xmas day while at his mothers house. His mother walked in, knowing what had happened & told my friend to get up because her kids 'don't need to see that'. THEN, proceeded to stick up for her son saying that it doesn't matter what he did, he is still my son'... Talk about dysfunctional!

WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??? 

He has pushed her down stairs, Told her on many occasions that she has a fat backside, has to know who is on the phone every time she speaks to someone, has actually raised his fist to her WHILE she was on the phone to me & then sat there trying to stare her down! Yet she is still there... Because she 'loves' him...

He has never supported her or the kids financially, he sat on his behind for years, listening to Metallica & smoking dope while she worked, then he had the nerve to have a go at her for being out there working... talk about twisted. Their first biological child has just turned 5 & up until her dad bought her a car a few months back, all they had was his 3 seater ute because he refused to sell it & buy a family car.

She once had a door-to-door sales job - he rang her one day while she was working, called her a whore & told her to 'get back to her clients'!!!

He had a Marijuana habit for years & promised to give up, which he did (as far as we know anyway). She said she'd leave him if he started it again as she believes it triggers his 'bad behaviour' (However, I think he is just a bully, an insecure paranoid freak & loose cannon, nothing more, nothing less). But in the last few months he has started smoking it again, hiding it & lying about it but she still won't leave. He even had the nerve not even 24 hours after he was caught again with it, to ring her & ask her to invite his dealer down for the night, obviously so he could get more. He has absolutely no respect for her at all, why can't she see that??

This man collects Nazi items, including a massive swastika flag, Coats, Gas masks, helmets & even has guns in their house. He once asked their then 8 year old daughter to PHOTOGRAPH him in his nazi clothing WHILE her mother wasn't home & then hid the fact. She only found out when she went through the camera card! The worst part is that when she told me about it, she made out like it wasn't a big deal & that her kids think the nazi stuff is 'normal' & not some dirty little secret... He also asked her last weekend to bring his nazi jacket out to his mummies house & proceeded to parade around in it.

To top it all off, she is now pregnant with her 2nd biological child to him & even though she has just told me (in the last few days since she found MORE marijuana on him), she is going to conduct a trial separation... then she told another good friend of ours that she 'owes it to the new baby' to give things another try with this horrible man. Not only is she lying to herself but she's lying to her friends & family & I feel that my duties as a supportive friend are well & truly over because it stresses me out to much, too much drama.

My question is this... WHY??? 

I think the 'friends' of abused people out there should be reconised because it seems we do more worrying than the abused person half the time? Theres only so many times you can watch a deluded person leave & then go back to a relationship like that.  

I don't know if I'm really in an abusive relationship - Gh - Aug 3rd 2008

I met my husband when I was 15 yrs old, we were friend for about three years and then we married when i was about 18 yrs old. he is 11 yrs older than me. My parents were confronting our marriage but I did it anyway. I loved him and thought that he loves me. I still like him and he always tells me that I'm his love and everything that he has. I think that most of the time he does not undrestand me, he is thinking very differntly, and has a differnt pespective of the life. He wants me to follow some of his ideas, and to follow the things that he thinks are right. He is taking care of me, always pays attention to my eating and sleeping and etc. but he i s not emotionally close to me. when my parents come from another country to visit us, I feel that he becomes jealous, he wants to keep me just for himself. and when I ask why he does this and why he feels this way he says that he was far from his family for 11 yrs and that I don't undrestand him. I try and always tried to be very closed to him and feel him and undrestand him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets angry of me not listening to him and not agrryieng with him about somethings, he really gets angry and mad, he breaks everythings and destroys everything that is in front of him. I feel so tired and feel that i can't bear this situation anymore; i don't feel the same way that i once did to him, and it's all because of seeing him so angry when he dislikes something. I loved him but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him or just feel responsible to stay with him or maybe feel guilty to do so. I want to seperate from him at least  for awhile but he threats me and says that if i divorce he'll kill him self, he always thinks that some one showing and telling me what to do; thes things makes me so mad. he says that he loves me so much that he does these things, i don't know what to do. i feel so lonley but I can see that he feels lonley too. it's like he expects me to feel bad and ldon't enjoy the presence of my family because his family are not here. I should try to don't make him mad otherwise... I really don't know what to do.  do you think that I'm in an abusive relationship?

You must take action now! - vicky - Jun 16th 2008

re to the disabled lady being abused by her partner.

I just read your article and was quite saddened to here how you are being mistreated in a situation where you have found yourself in vulnerablity. However there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. The change of your health may mean you are entitled to different benefits to help you with your life and your health needs. I would suggest rather than tolerating your husbands, obvious lack of guile, on how to deal with your condition as a supportive partner, you go to your local council and find out about other accomodation and also about your health needs and income needs. I can assure you, as a person with disability, you will now be entitled to different living allowance, it may also be able to stretch to getting yourself a carer to help you with your needs, there are many different services out there that can help you, that you may not be aware of. I know that it takes an incredible amount of self confidence, to see that you partner is abusing you, because he can't cope with the change in your circumstances, obviously having a disabled wife is some what affecting his manly pride. YOU MUST TAKE ACTION NOW, it will only get worse. If you are having such problems contact your local council, citizens advice or your local Disabilty council to see if you can be placed in alternative accomodation. Wait until he goes out, also as another support network, ring the Domestic violence helpline they can offer you practical support and may even be able to help you into refuge as a temporary measure. There are people who can help. I cannot promise it will be easy, but you don't have to put up with that, and you won't be on the streets. Many disabled people do get allowances, and depending on the severity of your illness, you may also be entitled to care. You are not alone, please try to consider that. If you fear your husbands response, then please wait until he is at work and start by phoning domestic violence lines and asking them to respect the situation and confidentiality of your query. Please as much as this is hard, don't believe in what he says about you, his abuse is his abusive talking, it is not true. You have worth keep telling yourself this and make plans to get out, don't worry about money, that can be arranged, you may not be well off, but you will have your basic means to pay for food, accomodation and your bills, it is a small start. living with disabilty does not mean you have to put up with an abusive partner, or be treated like a dog, you are human being, but in this life as much as we should all be treated wit digntiy, sometimes we have to fight for it. It seems to me that he has not intention of changing this or making an effort, therefore before you get any more feelings of "not waking up" deal with it now, and place a small goal to be in a better position in 6months as a move toward a better future for yourself. I wish you the best love, and I can tell you there are people out there who can help, don't be a stranger. Good luck.

Oh My Gosh - Me - May 30th 2008

that is so sad

Loved her so much but she made me think i was the abuser, and I was the crazy one - Tim - May 27th 2008

Met a girl that I thought was my "dream girl" about 2 years ago. She was wonderful in the beginning....but she would start to slowly, then constantly, accuse me of cheating, lying, carrying on online relationships, insulting her, flirting with other girls (any girl who got within 10 feet of me, i'd get a nasty e-mail or phone call). She ALWAYS spoke negatively of men, and I dedicated myself to show her that I was not the "typical guy." At first i handled it well and tried to call it off...but she would always apologize and say it would change, which it never did. After while, i grew so resentful of her constantly accusing me of things that weren't true that i found myself being verbally abusive back to her (not that i am proud of it, or am blaming it on her...it is on me that i should have handled it better or gotten out) calling her horrible things, like "psycho bitch." It made me feel bad about myself to act that way - I just resented her so much for continually telling me that I was doing really bad things that I wasn't doing. Then I found out that she had been lying to me, carrying on and/or pursuing online relationships...basically all the stuff that she accused me of all along! It was like so many comments here....when it was good it was great...but when it was bad, it was really bad. I really loved this girl...but i feel like i got totally played. I ended it a month ago when i found out she'd gotten an eharmony membership without even having the backbone to end it with me properly. It's one thing if she felt differently about me and wanted to end it, but it's another to do that and be cowardly. She'd very frequently be controlling and jealous and she had a way of turning around anything i'd say to use it against me. But of course, she would make assumptions about how i was feeling to justify her behavior, or she would insult me in a clever way and then if i got upset about it, she'd just say "well, i'm just telling you how i feel - I guess I can't talk to you about my feelings then." I was stunned. i always looked like the "badguy." But if you ask her, she will say the same about me - that I'm manipulative and controlling. It's enough to make someone go crazy, and that it what I'm struggling with now because I really do feel that way, that I am crazy! I am so broken-hearted but i know i can't stay with her. I never seemed to make her happy....still I feel like there is something i could have done....either to change myself or her...she made me feel guilty for everything, but when i would try to assert myself she would "flip it" and tell me that i was being controlling. i'm really messed up about this. she comes across as the sweetest thing in the world...and not that I would talk about this to anyone who knows her, but even if i did, no one would ever believe me anyway. i don't know what to do to recover from this....it feels like nothing else i've ever experienced. please....any words of wisdom? I swear to heaven above I treated her well - except when I found myself saying nasty things during an argument. Maybe I'm the crazy one???? Please help! Thank you

Institutional Settings Apply Too. - - May 21st 2008

I think this article also applies to people who are in institutional settings where they are being abused including places that are familiar to every single person out there: employment places and elementary, middle and high schools. I do not think abuse can ever be eradicated because it is sanctioned as part of our society as 'the way things are' - plus there is so much elitism in work places that it would be impossible to defeat, let alone escape. In many cases the work place teaches certain types of people that they are inferior, and they get the inferior work. And even if it isn't true, it is tough not to believe if it is coming from a superior. And so here we would have a person who would not apply for a job anywhere else either, because they come to develop a diminished view of themselves and accept the view of themselves that is forced on them in the work place.

In school settings the rich kids are not only seen as, but are treated as more valuable than the poor kids. The poor kids are forced to accept automatic assumptions about themselves in their very first interactions with teachers that rich kids don't have to face, and it is tough to overcome those assumptions. Plus unfair that they have to - but this is a classic example how prejudice and subsequent abuse appears to be built into human nature, and no one admits to it, or even tries to address the problem.

In school settings, obviously lack of awareness allows the abuse to continue. Children's automatic reaction to abuse is 'it is me- I am defective' and so this escalates the abuse because other people treat you as defective if that is the way you act (even if the total opposite is true!!). I feel especially sorry for little children in this situation who depend on adults to help them develop a correct view of themselves and reality - and instead we get teachers who merely perpetuate it because instead of understanding what the child is really like and what is going on in the child's life, they merely react to the functioning level of the child which can make the child appear to be stupid when he in fact is not! So abuse has life long consequences. It is very scary.

Plus even if there was awareness, the child can not just decide to go to another school or change teachers! Also even if they had enough guts to say, 'this person makes me feel uncomfortable', they usually can't describe what is going on sufficiently enough to get an adult to listen. Plus as I said, it is sanctioned in our society. I think even this article said what is abuse to one is not abuse to another. I find that view very scary in itself- but I don't have time to debate that idea.

abused again - - May 4th 2008

divorced when son was 3, I keep getting inover my head with men whom appear grat and want to treat me and my sonw with respect. As soon as hte relationship is sealed and becomes solid, the emotional abuse starts. My son is now 10, Ihve been without a stable home for about 2 years due to flleing a physically abusive relatioships ad economics in the work palce. I am well educated, attractive, would appear to be on track inlife and work, The opposite is true, I can't seem to move forward with a job that pays enough tolive and support my son. I've had to rely on friends and family. I met the love of my life. A wonderful family man that has custody of his children, a hard worker, comeshome, cooks, cleans, ful of integrity. We met fell in love and are plannign a wedding. His ex-wife contacted one of the kids and was inappropriate with going thorugh the kids. My fiance blew up, started yelling at me......it got to the pont where he eventually called me abith, told me to get out of his bed and feels that I am not suppor tin him, then told me to fuckour realtionship. What?????? From this man that I've never experienced so much love from, and respect from prior??? What do I o? We just told our schoolage children tonight what a greta blended family we have, we are getting arried in 3 weeks. I can't do this again to my son, pack up and leave homeless again. My last relationship ended about 2 years ago when he strangled e after emotional abuse. OMG...Again? I can't believe I am dragging my son thorugh this, again... He deserved more from me. I am a loving, devoting om with a background in law and counseling, how can this be happening again to me , to him, tous? What do I do? I can't leave. We are here ina different city, now a new school, he calls him dad, this must be a nightmare right? I must be imagining this right? Why did I think it would just be a matter of time before he turned on me? Noman has evr treated me the way I have imagined. I've only experienced abusive relationships.. Geez, anything to do with my dad being emotionally and physically abusive with my mom for 30 plus years before he died of Alzheimer? I feellike I was put here to endure pain, and it's notfair that my only son is now living it to with the men in my life. He is my worl...maybe I shouldn't be a mom, maybe Ishould give him to his dad...I can't seem to rise above no matter how I try and fight for my life and y rights in this world. I feel sobetrayed by GOD and evrything. This was and is my last hope. I am not far from 50, look great and so far have aminimum paying job. Why, Why, Why? Why am I here and why do I have to suffer? Ithought those days were over, guess what? Maybe they are jsut beginning all over again. I have no more hope, even though Iwill do the best for my son....is it better to leave and live in a shelter? I have noone and nowhere to go. I ama complete loser and don't deserve to be a mom at this point as I can't seem to make good decisons or the men in my life get ugly when they never were before. How, Why, What do I do? I will most certainly wind up in a shelter, my son, I can't bear to put him through this. We have moved so much these last 2 years I thought this was pemanent and was good. How could he call me such things and hurt me like this and call me names, where did this come from? He just tried to kiss and make up and says that it is my fault that he didn't do anything wrong. Every man I have been with has done this eventuallly. Except the one that got away because he didn't want to be a father aggian, even though he loved me and wanted me, his kids were grown mine was in kindergarten. My ex wan't even absusive other than he didn't really love me when we married because he was in love with his prior girlfiend. So, we divorced then he told me he was really in love with her and then eventuallly married her. So, here I am.. ready and willing and believing in marriage when my fiance blindsides me with emotional abuse. Not too easy to jsut walk away. It's bettr to hide it and try to live life so as to not bring ven more pain to the children. The children are the victims, not the adults, always the children\. I never wanted this for my son becasue I knew what it was like growing up in an abusive home. I thought I was breaking the cycle. Now I'm jsut perpeuating it. He can't take another move, breakup, being homeless again. Just suck it up girl, make the most of it. You can't keeprunning, from what will eventually catch you. Wow, I thought I was home free...women like me don't know happiness, true happiness, GOD knows why, HE really does. It is not fair to us or our kids, but trul there is such a thing as being avictim. I didn't choose this, I have to live it, I cannot move my son again, besides I have absolutely no where to go and I make minimum wage even though I am well educated. I'm tired ofpraying and hoping and wishing. We are to be married in 3 weeks and never saw this side of him, saw it coming, but do my experience with men, always expected it and well I wsn't tobe disappointed was I????? My man just turned into someone I don't know, i am so broken hearted beyond words or feelings. I amnumb! Ok god i AM HERE WAITING FOR AN EXPLANATION!!!!

Feeling stuck and exhausted - Anu - Apr 24th 2008

I am 42 a mother of 3 under the age of 5! I am married to a Man that I feel is either bipolar, retarded or just plain mean and abusive. My husband and I fight almost daily about the simple basics of paying our bills. He cannot and will not seem to take responsibility for very important and very basic things in life. This month we are behind in the rent, we owe our Nanny four weeks pay, we are late with credit cards. We are due a tax return but my husband refuses to help with his portion of the receipts.. I had about $1000 in debt when I married this man, now we are up to $130,000 in debt I am sick and stressed all the time about his illogical choices, I have not had a good nights sleep in years because I am the one up at night attending to the children. On top of the financial disaster he verbally abuses me daily in front of the kids, I admit that I have now resorted to the same type of attacks in my defense towards him. It crushes my spirit that our darling innocent babies are subjected to this verbal abuse and witness to the hatred an animosity between us. To top it off I severely broke my leg about a month ago and he physically attacked me the day I was going in for surgery. I am one of those people stuck not knowing if it is better to get away from him or to stay. He has threatened to kill me or damage my face so bad that no one would want me if I attempt to leave. I am not so afraid for myself as I am for my children. I have told his mother and my mother both of which have witnessed the abuse first hand, I have talked to close friends, we have been to couples counseling, individual and group counseling. Things might get better for maybe 2-3 days at the most and then it starts all over. I do feel alone, I do not know what to do. Since the kids came along I have only worked part time, I recently became a realtor which I Love, even with the market going through changes here in California I am able to make several sales a year, my Husband works in the medical industry and throws that in my face every chance he gets that it is his job that has saved me. Its not all bad thats why I stay, he changes diapers and helps feed the kids, he helps put them to sleep and helps when one is sick. He says he loves us and will do anything to make this work.But its been 8 years and we are still facing the same basic issues, I do not ask for much.. Just want to know the bills are paid on time and there is some money available in case of emergencies. I get ranted and raved at and called every disgusting word. THe most heart wrenching was when my 2 year old repeats some the disgusting things his father has called me. I am rambling now.. Don't know what to do...

Reply to help - kali - Mar 30th 2008

Dear help,

No it is not true that men in the "SOUTH" are like this. I know where you are coming from. You need to pick up and move back to where your family is. It may be far away but I am willing to bet that someone will give you a place to stay and get back on your feet. There are always women shelters also. It sounds to me like he is just one of those guys that think that they need to control everything-and he is controlling you. Let me tell you how he is thinking...

He doesn't let you have friends or family near because they will tell you how everything he is doing to you is wrong and in his mind that will comprimise everything! If you had support from these people he knows you wouldn't stick with him long. He chokes you and hurts you because he knows that you think you have nowhere to go and noone to talk to so he is sure that you aren't going anywhere and if you do (stay in a motel) you will crawl back to him.

And let me guess, he can do and say whatever he wants and if you voice your opinion that starts one of these fights?

And now you are depressed everytime he hurts you because you do love him and you think that there must be something terribly wrong with you for him to hurt you and  yell at you and not care. The more that he does things to you the more worthless you feel.

Get away from him! You may love him but believe me there is someone out there that will treat you like you should be treated. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel once you leave.

help - - Mar 18th 2008
I am in an abusive relationship with my fiance, he has choked me, thrown me down, called me names and has isolated me from everyone and I am always afraid, I don't know how to leave because I keep feeling like it is my fault, I always end up saying sorry when I really am not, and when I know that he should be saying it not me. But for some reason  I always want to be with him, no matter how bad he hurts me, why is this? Am I really crazy? Last night he dragged me out of the house by my neck and blocked the door so I could not get in, I had to get a hotel room, and all I did was cry, I could not sleep at all. Today I got back in the house while he was gone, and just took a bunch of sleeping pills and went to sleep, I just want to be happy again, and he can make me sooo happy, and he can make me sooo mad, my neck still hurts. What should I do? I guess my real question is how should I leave I know I should but I am not sure how, I have no friends because I was not allowed to have any, and I don;t live near any family. He tells me that I am not for the South and this is how guys from the south are and that I need to be a southern girl and deal with it, is this true? HELP PLEASE 

Help - cottonbottom - Mar 3rd 2008

I have just realised I am in an abusive relationship. Ive been with my husband 6 years (married for 3). everything seemed to be ok but looking back now he always wanted to be in control, making me wait for him to come round, being late, no excuses, having a go at me, everything had to be done his way or his parents way. then when we got married things got worse, we argued all the time, my fault of course, he urinated on me once because the dog peed in the kitchen and i didnt clean it up on time (i was in the loo at the time) he has hit me on a few occasions but always blames it on me, he throws stuff and storms off in an arguement not coming home until i say sorry. apparently i should know what im doing wrong. he says that i should give him sex when he wants it its my duty as a wife and he has forced himself on me, once ripping my trousers down to get his fingers in and then sex. i am scared for him to come home as i never know wat mood he will be in or how he will react.

his family are very controlling and abusive - his dad hits his mum and his mum once knocked him out.

i dont know what to do anymore. at the moment we are moving house and i have packed up the whole house by myself (my job as a woman) and he keeps telling me he doesnt know why i am stressed i have nothing to worry about as i just sit at home all day. he calls me names and humiliates me in front of other people. i cant take anymore i want out but have no money and no resources.

everything in the house i was made to pay for as he just wasted his money and i dont want to lose that. i cant make him leave as we are in military accommodation and once seperated i will be homeless within 90 days.

please can someone give me some advice and help me. i wish i could go to my doctor but i feel i cant speak to anyone about this. i am so sad, depressed and stressed i just want to explode.

SAD - Frances - Feb 28th 2008

My story sounds so familiar to all of yours so I won't bore you with details.  I will tell you that I went to go and see a pyscologist about 3 years ago and he told me that my husband was mentally abusing me.  I decided to stay to try and keep the family together, however  I am very concerned about the long time damage it will have on my children.  My son will be 14 next month and I already see a few signs that I don't like.  They are all really good kids and they are doing really well in school however they yell and get angry alot.  Something my husband used to do all the time before he agreed to take a course on confict..

Does anyone have any information on how mental abuse affects children?  Also has anyone out there read a really good book on mental abuse and how to heal yourself of it.  Is the answer to see a pyscologist trained in this area, to read books, or is it just to get away from this person. 

I've told my girlfrend that if this marriage ends I want nothing to do with anyone else.  I never want to ever go through this again.  EVER!!  She says time heals but she has never been in my shoes. 

I am considering leaving and am going to consult a lawyer.  What do you do in the meantime while you are getting everything in line and getting ready to leave?  Do you try to be happy and pretend that everything is o:k?  Anyone have any advice?

Thanks and I can relate because I am going through it.

Fran

abused and 57 - Karen H - Jan 10th 2008
I am 57, disabled, and living a nightmare everyday. Worked until 6 years ago when my health failed me. My marriage was just okay to this point. Then when I couldn,t work anymore and keep things up money wise anymore, life became hell. My spouse won't give me a dime for anything. Won't take me to a docter and still expects me to pay everything out of my small check while he hoards his money in CD'S and puts me down bragging about his money and how broke I am. He eats all the food and says I don't need to eat. Calls me a bitch, a whore, and talks about my privates making me feel like a peice of dirt. He wakes me up in the middle of the night putting me down. When he comes home at night, I am always on edge because you never know what will happen. He can be fine one second, and then the next minute something snaps. Just watching something on TV can make him snap and he becomes abusive. He brags about all the whores he has been with and calls me afat, ugly slob. He won't help me pay for my medicine but he will sure take it himself if he can get ahold of it. I am the blame for everything that goes wrong in his life. He is an alcoholic and I think he may use drugs. My mother died this past September and he even cusses me over that. He didn't come and support me at her deathbed but he came and parked across the street from the funeral home and watched to see who came and to see when I left there. He then showed up at the graveside the next day parking on a hill where he thought no one would see him. He knows I have no means to leave him and he is loving that fact. he just gets worse every few days. I just wish I knew some means to escape but there is none. I can barely walk and can barely get up from a sitting position due to a disability but he still demands that I pull the masters socks off and wait hand and foot on him. He treats all his friends wonderful and people love him but they don't know the real HIM. I pray for God to let me not wake up from sleep. Life is that bad.

Response to Marietta in Georgia and what I am going through too - recovering once again - Jan 7th 2008

I keep telling myself that my situation is unique, but after reading post after post of similar instances, I see that I am not so alone. First, to the post right below this one....a major question that you must ask yourself, and which is so often so hard to answer "where do I see this relationship 5 years from now?" It is hard to picture. Even with the "hope" he is giving you, in your rational brain, do you think it will be better?  No...worse. Statistically...they only get worse, and with it goes your sense of self, your heart, then your soul. This man obviously does not think of you by #1 being so callous about his own child you had to give up, but also by saying "I don't think I love you". He told you right there who he is, and what he is thinking. Listen closely. All the apologies after the hurt are his insecurites coming out. His fear that he is going to lose you and therefore lose the control. I am 37, soon to be 38, and it seemed like a blink ago that I was 29 years old, and I have followed the same pattern for attracting abusive men all my life. I hope with all my heart that this time I have broken the pattern. I feel now like those years were wasted.

Somewhere in the pain, I was able to put myself through nursing school while raising 3 children who are now teenagers. They also suffered abuse at the hands of my second husband who sexually abused my smaller children. He is now in prison for his crimes. I thought that would have been enough of a shock to avoid men who were charming, and attentive only to turn around and be critical, controlling, manipulative, and self-centered. I attracted two more, quickly realizing the first man's motives and sending him on his way, but the latter I have spent several years yo-yo-ing with, without gaining an inch of healthy ground.

When I met him, we were in school, and became study partners. I was the shoulder he would cry on whenever he broke up with his girlfriend. Over a years time, he had broken up with her multiple times, and I believed him when he told me she was the culprit. Toward our graduation, he and I started sleeping together while he was in between reconciliation with his girlfriend. I thought we had started a romantic relationship, but he kept me at arms length, and a few months later at our graduation, and after I had spent the night with him, he had created a montage of love to his ex who he expected to come to the graduation. She never showed up and I was crushed.

Here I sit nearly two years later, with a story now of how he would continually pick fights with me, calling me names and then say that he was only joking, always would be putting me down for my parenting, housecleaning, stuff not sent to goodwill in my garage (we have separate houses), putting me off about his "unsure" view of marriage, or even living together, giving false hope of a future together only to have horrible periods of distance (not necessarily fights) where he would treat me like dirt - his worst enemy- withdrawing every speck of love and attention. He would cheat (4 women in one month we were broken up), I would break up with him, he would come back and charm me and the cycle would repeat. It was not until recently (even though his words have been harsh before with name-calling) he called my teenage son a foul name and when I said to my boyfriend with tears in my eyes that my feelings were hurt by not only that, but by his criticism of my home (had gone on all day) he said "big f---ing deal, wahhh, your feelings got hurt, get over it....if you don't have the strength in yourself to get over it, that is your problem". I walked out without a response. End of story. I broke up with him the next day after he was cold, empty, and vicious at our counseling appointment. He explained that he was only trying to "challenge" me in the relationship to be a better person, so that I could prove to him that I was worthy to be with him. His idea's about a good relationship was that you should "challenge" each other, but his definition is off. He blamed the problems on me. Saying I was always running away from him in one way or another.  

This man is a professional, handsome, intelligent, creative ,personable, and highly narcissitic man who made me feel wonderful enough to stick around but miserable enough to be sick and disgusted at least a few times a week. I would try to talk seriously about my heart and feelings and he would loudly pass gas and wave the fumes at me and then laugh.

If this is a relationship that empowers you then by all means, go to counseling, work through the issues, see what your part is. If this is a relationship that affects your health, your sense of who you are (I was starting to forget), leaves all your friends and family miffed at your for staying or going back over and over....then you have to find a way to break free. Save money secretly. Go back to school, and take out a student loan and use the money to move out, and change your number.

He will not change, you can only change yourself. I still question if I did the right thing after all, he said he loved me right?!!! Control and harsh words do not equal love...EVER. It is a contradiction. You came into this world alone, and you will leave alone, and somewhere you have to find the strength to stand alone. You are a beautiful and amazing person and there is no one else like you. Share that with someone who deserves it!!

MUCH LOVE TO ALL 

Broken in Tennessee - Marietta - Dec 16th 2007

I am a 29 year old woman in Nashville, TN.  About 3.5 years ago, I managed to walk away from a 6 year marriage where I was emotionally/sexually abused (forced to have threesomes, cheated on if I refused to do them, etc.).  I was able to walk away finally because I met the man of my dreams....or so I thought.  I didn't feel bad leaving my husband for another man because of the constant cheating he did during our relationship.  I felt on top of the world with my new man....and felt I had finally found the good, upstanding, loving man that I had always been searching for.

Oh, and how wonderful things were.....we would talk all night long..go out several times a week for dinner and drinks...come home and make passionate love....wake up and have breakfast together....spend all weekend long taking trips, shopping, just being together and loving each other.  I fell so madly in love with him that I knew in my heart that he had to be the one.  He did make a few comments here and there about not knowing how our upbringing would effect us in the future....I was from a broken home and didn't have much stability and he was from a traditional mid-western family and had a perfect upbringing; he had a BS degree and all I had was an associates in Graphic design.  I never really thought he was necessarily putting me down for these things because I am very smart and classy and outgoing and fun.  I am not a thin girl, but am not grossly obese and am pretty enough that I make most of my living being a plus size model.  My weight never seemed to bother him.....he couldn't keep his hands off of me.  I guess I should have seen these comments as being a warning sign, but I didn't.

He then started getting jealous.  I have many male friends, but that's because I get along better and relate more to men than to women.  Most of these friends are people who have been in my life for years, and it has never been anymore than a friendship with any of them.  He started putting me down and telling me that an upstanding woman wouldn't have tons of guy friends when she was in a relationship...that it wasn't right.  He also started getting on to me for the things I wore.  I am a very stylish dresser, but on occasion like to show a little cleavage.  I have always had great self-0confidence and enjoy feeling sexy once in a while and didn't see anything wrong with this.  He didn't have a prob with it in the beginning.....

The jealously got worse and worse, but I told myself that maybe he was right....maybe I wasn't being fair or respectful to him, so I started dressing more conservatively and not hanging out with my guy friends so much.  This seemed to make him happy.  After a year or so of dating, we bought a condo together and moved in.  Things seemed wonderful and I thought this was the next step to getting married and having a life.  After a few months of moving in, I became pregnant.  He didn't seem too upset and that gave me comfort because I didn't know how he would react.  Then one day he asked me when I was going to have the "procedure"....he meant an abortion.  I hadn't even thought about that and was quite shocked he wanted me to have one.  We fought horribly about it because I didn't want to do it but he didn't want kids......he told me that if I wanted to have it, fine....but I would be raising it on my own.  I was so scared and didn't want to bring a child into this sort of world without having two loving and strong parents that wanted it, so I had the abortion.  It was horrible.  I will never do that again, and I told him that.  Shortly after, our sex life began to diminish.  It went from a few times a week down to once a week.  The fighting went on and on....then on my birthday, he told me that he was looking for a perfect woman....one with his morals....one that made his heart flutter....all of the things I used to do for him.....and that he didn't love me anymore.  I was devastated for weeks.  Then he came to me, apologized, and I love him so much that I forgave him and told myself that he is just going through some things.  A year and a half later, we are still fighting, sex is down to once a month, and the emotional abuse has gotten worse.  He now tells me that I am not good enough for him, not thin enough for him sexually ( although I am thinner now than I was when we met), don't make enough money (he only makes $4000/yr more than me and is nine years older...haha), that he feels suffocated because I never go out and do anything, that he loved the me I used to be.....but I changed because he was always being jealous!!!!  I stay home so he doesn't get onto me and question me.....I have no friends anymore because I gave them all up for him....I don't dress sexy anymore because he told me it was inappropriate!!!  What am I supposed to do?  I wasn't good enough then...I changed...and now I am still not good enough.  I find myself apologizing all of the time, even though I know it isn't my fault.  I feel ugly because he will not touch me, and I used to KNOW I was a smart, beautiful woman.  He has taken all of this from me, and now , because my self esteem has fallen so low and because I love him so much, the thought of losing him or leaving him literally makes me vomit.  When I ask him if he wants me to leave, he says he is not 100% sure, that he still loves me and that there is a chance I am the one he wants to spend his life with.....and because of that hope, I stay.  If there is anyone out there that can offer some advice as to what I should do and how to make myself be strong enough to do it, please tell me.  I am three and a half years into this.....madly in love....but dying inside.  Help.  This IS emotional abuse.....I would rather have someone punch me in the face than have this kind of constant, excruciating ache.

Mental Case-at it worst - - Dec 16th 2007

I too am in a horrifically terrible abusive relationship-Everything I say, he calls me a liar, rolls his eyes or yawns. When I talk about work, he says "Im not interested,unless something out of this world happened, I don't want to listen". Whenever I try to talk to him about our relationship, he blocks his ears and sings overtop of my voice. He hangs up on me if I try to talk, he will call back, I will try to say something and he hangs up again...like I am a dog that needs to be trained. When I ask where he is going or what his week looks like, he says "Don't know and none of your business". Then he tells me what he is doing last minute and expects me change my plans.

When he gets angry with me out in public...he gets angry at nothing.. takes it out on me and blames me for the argument, and then runs off on me and leaves me.  Numerous times I end up staying in a hotel or going to a random strangers house, because he has left me. 

He hasnt touched me in a whole year, not even a kiss, and says that it is my fault because I have to give him the respect and give him what he wants before he touches me...ummm if you love someone it doesnt matter how angry you are with them, you want to rip the clothes off anytime right?

I can honestly say I am so confused as to why he treats me so disresepctfully. I am looked upon as a very attractive woman, I have alot of friends, people love to be around me...HE on the other hand, when we are together, for example at a restaurnant, will look at everyone else, he will yawn, look bored when he is with me...usually critizise me...MAKES SURE I sit with my back to the restaurant and he looks around, and I get told to F-off shut up, everyday when he is angry.  I cannot say anything becasue it is wrong, and sometimes i think for ages before i speak and it is still wrong....then when i lose it...he says I have the problems. he is very controlling and picks on me every chance he gets...he yelled at me last week for leaving the lid off the soda and chatted with me ages at how these things irritate him...

 anyway I have left him, but after he crushed my self esteem and my self worth it was hard to leave...we had an amazing relationship in the beginning, but the past 1year has been TERRIBLE. Everyone looooveesss this guy, he is popular, wealthy, and successful, and whoever I tell what i went through they can't believe it.  I would have NEVER thought I would get caught in such a mess, I have always been treated by other men with such respect...My question, will he do this to other girls or was there something wrong with me?? Why would a man in his late 30's not want to show his woman affection? and he is not cheating either. How did you break free without feeling something was wrong with you? Does he think he will get away with treating someone this way?

Finally letting go - Michelle - Dec 14th 2007

I have finally had enough, after 15 months with my on again, off again boyfiend. Everytime we would get into heated arguments, it was me that took the blame. I could do no right with him. When it was good it was great. But when it was bad, it was very bad. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He was the first man I have ever been with that has been so difficult to be with, and to be without. But towards the end, when he would "go off" on me, then proceed to blame me for being "psycho", I had to take on the support of my close friends and family to help me through. They have endlessly told me I deserve better, but I always had hope that one day he would realize how good he had it with me, and change. That day never came. It continued. But it was me who he continued to blame. His quote to me one day: "I am killing myself being w/ u", and "U are impossible to luv. You have diminished all hope". No words were more painful than those. I have realized that some men are just not capable of loving a good woman, or even accepting love. They bring us down with them. Don't ever "wait" for a man to change. This could take years, it could be never. The man for me is out there, and time is too precious to wait.

You're Worth More Than This - Ronisha Hamlin - Dec 10th 2007

      Honestly there is no reason why u should tolerate that much ignorance in this world there are plenty of men probably dieing to have a loving strong female like yourself but until you get out of this bad situation you will never find mister right and its up to you to want to help yourself because, until you decide that enough is enough he's always going to have the upper hand. Don't be afraid to let him go because any man that will hit you and disrespect is not a real man but just a scared little boy who thinks he's in control of you because he knows you're scared of him.

                                                                   Sincerely,

                                                                   A good friend

scared!!!! - megan - Dec 6th 2007

I have been where all of you are at right now!  When I was married to my ex-husband, he would tell me that I was never going to be able to make it without him with three boys.  When I was trying to get my GED he was always telling me that I might as well stop studying, because no matter how much I did I was still too stupid to pass it.  I used him!!  Instead of letting him get me down and giving up, he became my inspiration!  I made sure to prove him wrong and I passed it on my first try.  So, I rubbed it in his face.  Of course, he just found other reasons to be abusive.  We were together for 6 years, I lived with it that long, my excuse was for the kids.  I grew up with my father and I didn't want them to go through the same thing.  In august of 2001, I had three boys, no job, no vehicle, and no where to go.  My twins were 4 years old and my baby had just turned one the april before.  I was very unhappy and had even started sleeping on the couch, but still could not leave, until one day, my twins came up to me and asked me if we could move and leave daddy there?  Then that was my main goal.  I was going to get them out of the situation they didn't want to be in.  He did push and hit me when the twins were about 4 months old,  I pushed back, he want through the hall closet, and I made sure he knew I was serious when I told him if he touched me like that again I would kill him.  He never did anything like that again, but it did go to the mantal abuse.  Anyways, I started calling family to see who I could stay with and finally my mom and step-dad said we could stay there until I got on my feet.  It was really hard, I felt like everything I was making was going to child care, that I was never going to make it.  I had considered going back to their dad, but when I would ask if they wanted to go back, they would say no, that daddy was mean to them and to mommy!  I didn't even know they realized what was going on between us, but they knew!  It has been 6 years now and I am doing good, not the best, but good enough, and me andmy boys are happy with the desicion we made together!  I should have known that they did, because I myself was once a child when my mother was is an abusive marriage and I knew everything, still remember everything.  When I was 4 years old and my brother was just one, my mom decided she was going to this man she had been seeing.  They got married and everything went downhill from there.  He started out just verbally then went to physically abusing her.  She couldn't come home one second late from work and he wouldn't ask any questions just start in on her.  I remember one time she came through the door and he grabs her, throws her down on the bed, pulls off his belt and starts beating her with it, he then puts the belt around her neck and starts tightening it, telling me and my brother to watch, because mommy is going to die.  Terrified he was telling the truth, I grabbed my brother, (me about 6 and my brother about 3) and started to the house across the field to call the cops.  When they got there, my mother was so scared that she talked them out of taking him to jail.  I suppose he had already started the make up process.  Well,  not only was he abusing my mother he was abusing me as well.  He stayed at home with us while my mom worked and while she was working he would start on me.  Even though it wasn't mentally or physically, I understand now that it was still abuse and that none of it was my fault.  It started when I was 4 and started just as sexual favors, then it went to the sex.  I remember it hurting so bad, I wasn't aloud to cry or scream or anything.  He told me that if I did or if told anyone he would kill my mom and my brother.  When my brother and my niece were about 2, he made me bring them into the room and do things to them.  It was only once, but still to this day, even though they don't remember it,  I feel responsible for those actions.  I'm just glad that they don't remember!  I don't think I could have handled it so well in my adult years if they did.  Anyway, when I was 8 years old, I remember my oldest sister coming to the house and packing our clothes, personal things that would fit in her van with us, and we left.  I was crying, because I just knew he was going to find us and she would take us back there.  I was wrong, she filed for a divorce, and moved us to a different town, we never went back.  I never told my mom about what happened to me.  When I was married and all of this stuff that my husband was doing to me, I started having nightmares.  I got really depressed, wouldn't move ou of my position on the couch, I wanted to be close to my kids at all times, to hear what they were doing.  I didn't want to be touched or talked to by anyone, except my kids.  One day, my sister that is just older than me, had come over to the house.  I was so mad, I didn't want to talk to anyone and here she was trying to find out what was going on.  I was writing a letter to my husband, not really sure why, but I waded it up and started writing my sister, didn't know how to talk about it, so I was trying to write about it.  My sister left home when she was 15, she left me and brother in that house, just took off, then thinking about it I got agry at her.  In the note I asked her if the reason she left was because he was doing things to her.  She told me no and asked me what kind of things I was talking about.  I finally told her everything that had happened.   We cried and cussed and cried some more.  She asked if mama knew, I told her no.  The next day my mom was standing on my front porch, when I opened the door she grabbed me and started to cry.  It was at that minute that I realized she wasn't mad at me.  We talked forever it seemed.  I had one more dream after that and my husband was waking me up in the boys' closet, I had the boys in there with me.  The dream was that since I  had told my mom, he was beating on my back door, telling me he was going to kill us.  After all this, I want to tell all of you abused people out there that no matter how low your self-esteem, and even though you think you don't have anywhere to go, there is always, someone somewhere, willing to listen and help in any way they can, if there is someone that is worried about you and wants to help you, let them.  You don't have to be afraid anymore, there is always a way out, it doesn't matter the cirumstances, you can get out.  You'll realize that once you get out and start the divorce they won't bother you anymore, they will move on,  no matter how much they threaten, they are just blowing smoke, its time to lead your own life, you don't need him.  Your life and your children are the most important thing in the world.  Please don't stoop to his level where he wants you to be.  Take control, don't be scared anymore.

is what happened to me abuse? even now i'm unsure! - tracy - Nov 27th 2007
 I have been in a relationship for 2 and a 1/2 years...It started off great, I could of stayed up all night talking and listening to him, i couldn't believe that nobody else hadn't picked him up before me! He was adoreable and payed me so many compliments.... I'm 37 with 2 children and he's 45, he still lived with his mum apparently to look after her but when he moved in with me she swore she would never have him back(and she hasn't)..I own my house and had a job as manager of a shoe shop..He told me to leave as he didn't spend enough time with me(I now work part time in a food store)he tells me how great his ex girlfriends are and the one in particular has a fantastic figure, if a 100 men was in a room they'd all pick her to be the prettiest over me.. every bloke would love to f...her this always got a reaction from me and he would make out i'm nuts because he's only telling the truth and she meant nothing to him....He used her to cause an arguement and when i reacted he left my home with his passport and went to poland for a stag do for 4 days the day before my birthday and didn't get intouch at all..when he came back it was my fault because i'd told him to leave! If he took me anywhere on holiday he would always cause an arguement so he could go off and return after 12+ hours of drinking and i'd be left just waiting for him to return...He'd come home drunk at 8 in the morn and say i'm f..... happy whats wrong with you!! I learnt not to react because if i did i'd get more verbal abuse and the blame but he'd just do more of doing what he wanted knowing that i wouldn't react...everything is a lecture(listening to him) not a conversation...He'd tell me i loved him loads, tell me that i loved his c...,tell me he was the best man i'd ever had... It was like i wasn't aloud to have an opinion or my own thoughts...he treated me like a child, he'd tell me off like i was 7 for the simplist of things....say dinner was lovely but you over cooked the meat...he'd tell people what they are like without asking questions to find out about them... over the top with how lovely strangers were that he'd spoken to and would never see again!..(for all he knows they could of gone home and beaten up they're wifes) but they was lovely people!! Makes out he'll do anything for anyone but in reality he does nothing only hand money over...(he has a well payed job that pays for his gambling and drinking)and not much else! When he needs a favour it's I gave so and so £200 they can do it for me!! he has a daughter that his familly look after he just has her in the day and she sleeps at his mums...it's ended up with him throwing a tree stump though my patio window because i pretended i wasn't in (in the hope that he'd leave) luckily i had 2 friends round who saw what he was like...he verbaly abused them about they're lives as well as me and my children...i called the police(which i have done at various times only he was lovely when they turned up and i was in a right state because of the abuse from him..even social services checked my kids out because of the police calls) the police have now installed a panic button for me and are helping me at long last and charging him with criminal damage..what i have said is the tip of the iceburg...i could honestly write a book!!! kissing other women(one of them even glassed me and he stayed with her because i was out off order when i asked what he thought he was doing!!) all he's instilled in me is that i should trust him and that his c... is mine and no one elses!!! but after all this i am still madly in love with him!!! I know i can never be with him again no matter what he says (he's always managed to talk me round) and knowing that i'll never be with him again really hurts.... but also knowing that he's never really loved me hurts to, it seems that he was play acting not actually feeling love..we've bought a house together and i was just about to sell mine to pay for half of it...i'm just glad i realised in time before it was sold...intouch with solicitors at the mo to get my name off!!! he also wanted me to have a baby just recently!! it's mad!!! the only thing mad about me is that i stayed with him for so long and that i still love him but i know i'll survive.... If i survived that i can survive anything!!!x

Still getting his abuse - niesje - Nov 26th 2007

The fact that I've ended it hasn'nt meant that he stopped the abuse.. It actually has gotten worse. And yes has brought me down feeling horrible. I know it will pass. But nonetheless its still hurtfull. He knows me so well that he knows exactly what to say to hurt me. Asked me to get back with him and even that was in an abusive way. Its disturbing how someone can say certain things and think thats ok. A very good friend said expect it to get a lot worse and she was right. Not such a good day. But it confirms how I made the right descision. I'm trying so hard to be positive and know its late and I'm very tired and that doesn't help. I wish I was a few months further. I'm going to Europe to visit my family for four weeks with my children. It will be so good to sit with my dad and although I probably will not tell him because he is so far away and I don't want to worrie him. I promised my self not to let it get to me but just can't help it tonight. I love his dad and friends and he told me they all think I'm a fool, I know that thats not true, that he just had to say that because he knows how much I care for them, just another kick in the gut. Tells me he loves me. Delusional. Hasn't got a clue what the meaning of love is. I feel so messed up. But know it will pass. Like a nightmare. He is already on the internet on one of those dating sites. Has a few dates lined up, poor girls. Said he'd cancel them, I only had to say the word. Yes why even answer his txt.. Big mistake. Was so cool this morning. I will not go back of that I'm sure. He owes me money, once that is paid I'll change my phone numbers. He told me once that he gets a kick out of seeing me cry, sadistic. Please people don't let it get so far that it makes you ill. Get away, do whatever it takes. Its a nightmare. He thinks I'm a martyr and have selfpity. Who wouldn't feel sorry for themselves. I'm just tired and upset.. I want to feel good again so badly, it has almost destroyed me, not quite but almost. Still having some fighting spirit left. Funny hey always thought of myself as fairly intelligent, wondering about that now. Let my brain rule for a while instead of my heart. Too forgiving and accepting. Thank god for my wonderfull friend, who's always been there for me even when it got a bit much for her too. Any third parties reading this, don't give up on them. They need to know that they have support outside this insanity. I don't know what I would've done without her. Just a little dip, not answering anymore txts. Its so pointless arguing with someone who doesn't listen and is only out to hurt you because you are not doing as your told! Why I asked him if you think I'm so bad do you want to be with me so badly. AAAAAAhhh see, they are all lies whatever he says, as he has said before they are intended to hurt me. What a kind soul! But I love you so so much......tell it to the wind! Anyway babbling on a bit, just needed to talk to someone and this site is the next best thing to a friend to get it of my chest. Going to try to get back to sleep, need to prepare for our trip, now thats exciting. Find something to look forward to and keep your mind from all this, it helps.. Love niesje

I wrote my story not so long ago and now I'm OUT! - niesje - Nov 24th 2007

I wrote my story not so long ago. This site has been incredibly helpfull to me and I would like to follow up on whats happened since then. Hopefully this will be of help to others. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEssssssss its finally over, I feel free again. Its like this huge weight has lifted of my shoulders. I've finally taken charge of my own life again and I can't tell you enough how good it makes me feel. After the last time I wrote I went another two time through the usual cycle. One night I left my phone at home while going to visit a friend when I got back I had five missed calls on it from him. So I rang him and he was very cold and short on the phone. At 1am I received a txt from him saying that it gave him the shits that I never took my phone with me or answered while I was with my friends. Which is not totally untrue because I was embarassed that I was still with him and my friends can't understand it anymore. I didn't reply. The next morning I got a call from him and he started to give me a lecture as usual.I told him that I didn't do anything wrong, that I was sick of having my mobile with me like an attachment to my body. I lived for three and a half years to hear from him or receive txts, it hardly ever left my side! Anyway I was supposed to go to a family function with him. At the last minute I send him a msg saying that I wasn't coming I needed some headspace to figure out were maybe I was going wrong and if so with all this. I was so sick of being told of like a little child. I turned off my phone because I knew he would be angry and I just couldn't deal with him at that moment. The next morning when I turned on my phone I got a txt from him.It was probably the worst one he has ever send me : He told me that he didn't trust me, that he didn't love me, he thought I was a cheap f...., dumb, simple minded easy, dirty, some schocking obscenities I can't mention, and that he wasn't the first bloke to see me that way, d....h...., called me a slag.If I came near him, his friends, family even his dog, he would f... my life like I'd never imagined, send an email to my kids, ex husband, family with a home sex video that we made, you d.... f...... sl.. I think you are a cheap sl..  got it you dumb f......c.... . Then another one threathening me that if I tell anybody to be carefull because I had kids living in this town and he wants to move here in future. I looked at the messages and thought which I told him, that ok fair enough he was angry I cancelled on him at the last minute. Be angry and tell me so. But there is NO justifaction what so ever to talk to any person like this. Now its enough. Get your selfrespect back and end this. I told him and since then he has been back peddling. Told me it was his defence mechanism which made him say these things. And I should know he didn't mean it. How disturbing all of it! He even asked me if we could have sex one more time, that we wouldn't talk just have some great lusty sex. I told him thank you but no thanks and that I finally have found my selfrespect back. I'm sorry if I have offended any one with the explicit details of the msg he sent me, but I know that a lot of you would have heard it and maybe if you read how disturbing my story is you might wake up to you own ......You know, love isn't supposed to hurt. You are allowed to make mistakes, wrong descisions, say the wrong things without being  judged, yelled at, punished for it. We all are just humans and no one should have to put up with any of this. I have been brought up by parents who were honest, loving and respectfull people. And I finally remembered were I've come from and remembered right from wrong. Listen to your gutfeelings if something doesn't feel right it most likely isn't. You first get hit by a peddle stone, then a brick and finally you walk into a brick wall. Please please don't ignore the signs. They are there for a reason. Love yourself enough to do something about it. If you don't do it for your children, they look at you to learn what is right or wrong. You don't want them to end up in the same situation. Read and learn from these sides or books, they make you recognise that what you are going through is not imagined. It makes sense of the confused chaos which is your life. I want to thank everyone that has put in the effort to inform others, to help them. It has helped me so much. Good luck to all of you x

tired of abusing my loved ones - bob - Nov 20th 2007
i am the typical emotional abuser-i want it to stop! the pain on my end is just as strong as the pain on my girls end. i have decided to seek professional help immediately to stop the pain for both of us.we both love each other tremendously,so this is an easy decision to make.i admit that i have a problem and that is half the battle. i intend to spend any amount of money and time to correct this problem.my love for her is tremendous and i don't want to lose her.this is a wake up call and i am responding with a vengence.i will fight to keep the love of my life.i'm tired of hurting people emotionally-it's over! i will prevail over my sickness and be the person i know i can be-it can be done if u really want it!i want to fit into the small category of success rate.i am so passionate and feel that this is the only way to overcome my sickness.nice people deserve to be treated nicely-pretty simple indeed!please forgive me-i am so sorry!

You can do it.. - Shavonne - Nov 12th 2007

I was in a abusive relationship for 13 years, I started dating him when I was 14, We produce three children from it. How I got out,  Was by God I got saved and grew in God for 2 years. People this is a Spirit a demonic one usually this is a Generational Curse, Maybe your mom or Grandmom went through this.. Turned to God about this get saved read your bible that's your weapon against Satan who is trying to take you down he come to kill steal and destroy YOU! First you have to realize who you are and what the Lord Jesus  thinks of you  and since he thinks so highly of you. A mortal man or women cant bring you down!!!!!

Trust me after you get saved sincerely. Start Seeking, Praying, Attending a Bible Based Church studying your word (bible. You will be a  new Person Who want let Satan take over your world........

Hope your doing well - heidi - Nov 12th 2007
I've been married for 14 years and have been going through this, but with drugs, a little porn, and verbal abuse.  Your story sounds so similar to mine.  The abandoning, swearing, telling me I'm not worth anything, no man would ever put up with this and that this is why you are single (this meaning the laundry in the laundryroom).  I was so scared that the kids of a divorce would be worse off than dealing the abuse.  But I was wrong,  I should have kicked him out years ago.  But I was hopeful when he went to rehab.  that everything was finally out in the open.  I really appreciate reading your story and finding this website.  It really helped me tonight when I get so confused about things.  I want to call him and see how he is doing, hoping that he will say he is sorry and now sees what he has done to me and our kids.  But I never get that from him, even during the cycle of abuse, he never said "i'm sorry I'll never do it again".  It was always my fault, or the kids, or even my mom's fault.  I was the one who made him say those things.  It is so infuriating to me that I have wasted all of this time in couples therapy.  THe therapist should have recognized the obvious tell tale signs of abuse, and addict behavior.  Why was all of this time spent on how we both needed to change.  We would make commitments and I was the only one keeping them.  As soon as we would leave the counselor he would start criticizing me.  amazing.  well anyway, I just wanted to say that your comments really helped me tonight.  thank you.

Love isn't suppose to hurt, right? - Niesje - Oct 29th 2007

I thought I met my soulmate, he was everything that I looked for in a man. The first couple of months were absolutely amazing. He made me feel so special. Then we went out to a function and he kissed another girl, I stormed of and the next day he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me that night. This is were the whole cycle of hot/cold started. Slowly comments were made that made me feel unattractive, unintelligent, not worthy. If we had an argument, usually caused by him because I'd done something "wrong", he would be angry and verbally abusive. Followed by the silent treatment, which made me almost beg him to stop and forgive me even though it wasn't my fault. Then he turned in to the lovely man again which was the side of him I adored. Which makes it all so so confusing. He was on the internet, talking to other women for the first year without me knowing it. He met at least one of them that I know off. I found out just before he was to move in to my house. I was devestated. All the time telling me I could trust him. He did everything to try to win me back even took me on an overseas holiday, which I later never heard te end off. And he won...Since then he has thrown me around my loungeroom untill I had a blue face, thrown wine and beer in my face, spitted on me several times, hit me in my back, pushed me up against a fence, Thrown me three times out of a car, once in the dark on the middle of the road, left me without a car or money and went away for the weekend while I have three children who are mine with me, has broken my frontdoor, thrown furniture around, damaged my house. I've been called a dumbf..., unattractive, all I am is me and my kids, if I'd studied more people would look at me differently instead of telling them I'm just a painter and a mother. He has told me that I cause men to do the things he has done to me.The list goes on and on. I kicked him out of my house a year and a half ago because it was affecting my kids and I couldn't do it anymore. Since then he has tried hard to make it work again.. But the cycle of abuse was still there, only more subtle because he didn't have as much of a grip on me anymore.I'm getting stronger, but am confused, exhausted, have low selfesteem, am depressed, have aged, lost my zest for life I used to have, am emberassed, feel I let myself down. Can't understand why I still love him or is it just that I've gotten so used to this chaotic, draining, unhealthy, soul destroying life style?Something is better then nothing? Its so hard to end it, but I will. I so so much miss me, I'm not perfect but know I'm a good person. I never ever thought this could happen to me....

Don't give up - Jen - Sep 5th 2007

Ladies,

please never give up. I was in a abusive realtionship for 8 years, he hit bite me putmy head though wall and almost choked me to death. All with a little girl in the home. I can tell all of you that, once you find it within you can move forward. Don't get me wrong it has been 4 1/2 years and I am married to a wonderful man know, the pain and memories don't go away. I sit by myself somtimes and remember all of the horrible thing he use to do, the on that hurts the most and haunts me to this day is him choking me until I seen nothing or heard nothing at all. THAT ONE IS STILL HARD < I GET TEARING EYED EVERYTIME THINK ABOUT IT. Anyways like I said it takes time and courage. Ladies, may I suggest going to a domestic voilence classes, I tell you that is what started my climb up the ladder to freedom from him, it took a year or 2 but I did it. KNow I am a successfull woman and my daughter loves her stepfather very much, cause her real dad, does not do anything but hurt her emotionally. He is in prison now and to tell you honestly I am very happy he is. Cause to this day as long as i know he is in there I know he cant hurt me or our daughter. I do not allow her to have contact with him while he is in there. When he is out he still tries to call and I let him talk to her but my husband says that the only reason he truely calls is to harrass me, cause he still makes me feel like I am the one keeping his daughter from him. In all reality he is the one that is not calling when he is suppose to, because he would rather be out getting drunk and loaded on drugs. Well, sorry I jumped around so much the flood gates opened and i have plenty more to say, but not enough room or time. Ladies, I feel for all of you and I know from family generation of abuse if you have kids, please break the cycle cause it will keep going until you do. I am one that truely knows, I am part of that cycle and pray every night that I may have broken for my daughter. Please get help counsling somehthing, yours or childs life may depend on it.

anyone just need a friend or a little advice, I may be young but I started young, please feel free to email me, I will talk back. jennifermorning@verizon.net

I need it to STOP! - None - Aug 20th 2007

I have been married for 16 years.  We have 4 children and this marriage is now a living hell. 

After we had out first child I was very controlling.  I hated that I was always home taking care of the baby and he was out working and hanging out with friends.  I couldn't have friends.  He coincidentially hated all friends I had.  I was only 19 when our first child was born and I was very immature.  This WAS my fault.

About 2 years into the marriage I had changed.  I was not controlling like I once was.  I think I was this way because of the abusive marriage my parents had.  But I finally realized I could not continue to treat my husband this way.. and that is when he changed.

 I have had staples in my head, my back kicked so I could not walk, pushed down the stairs, shoved down on the floor, thrown out the front door in my pajamas in the middle of the night, fat lips, bruises... you name it. 

 Five years ago I cheated on my husband.  He had heard a rumor around town that I had cheated and I was honest about it.  Since the abuse has become worse.  Now it is far more mental than ever before.  I am worthless, a whore, bad Mother, I made him this way.  I just don't know what to do.  I did cheat but I am trying to make things good.  He stayed when I told him but he makes it seem like he had no choice.  He says he stays for the kids.  But he also makes more money than I so he could leave if he wanted but says that I would not be able to afford to keep this house if I stayed in it and he left so it's up to me to go.

I am looking at an apartment tomorrow.  I will take the 4 kids with me.  He has told me that I cannot have the kids and that he will get them if we go to court.  I cannot leave my children behind.  He is also very mentally abusive to them.  He will tell them they are stupid or lazy.. just things like that. 

His behavior is off and on.  I never know when the moods will come.  I was working last week when he called me and was very cranky.  He started yelling at me over the phone saying I was a whore and a worthless slut.  I waasn't good for anything but sex.  He then told me he hates me and that I have to leave.  He does not want me in this house any longer.

 What are the chances that he will get custody of my kids?  He works nights and I do not want them home alone.  I just cannot be without my kids. 

If anyone has any advise or would just like to talk, please email me at special.places.00@gmail.com

Been there; done that - Bettie - Jul 23rd 2007
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 20 years....stayed in it because my self esteem was so low I felt I had no way to support my 4 kids...the year before I left things were escalating- I would put something down on the table for him to eat and hed push it on the floor and call it crap........came at me with his fist clenching......hid money,  was manipulating me all the time to do things as a means of control....refused to pay for me to go to technical school to be able to provide for myself...He spent three years in silence with the kids and I ..... would come home from work eat and go to his room and shut the door.....When we finally split, I was in deep emotional trouble and it has taken me 6 years to come out of it.....Those last 6 years I've been raising my two younger children who during their teen years were acting out a lot of their own anger and frustration as their father barely sees them...I focused on them and helping them to be healthy and on their way in the world.  Now that the youngest one is graduated from high school, I am making decisions to either go back to school at the ripe old age of 57  and/or move to another area away from the memories.....   My biggest concern right now is my 26 year old daughter, who I see as being in a very bad relationship with a manipulating alcoholic man...See seems very depressed and her self esteem is completely gone.....Do not know how to help her.....

Mental Abuse - - May 27th 2007
I ended a 'relationship' a year ago that was mentally abusive in a subtle way that no one on the outside could see with a man who seems normal and friendly otherwise. However, it was a case of a narcissist who expected me to treat him like a boyfriend but would not treat me like a girlfriend, or even a good friend, especially in public.

I'm a bully on the verge of abusive - Just hand me your balls - May 24th 2007

I have been in a relationship for 10 years. We have been living together for the past two years. I have always bullied him to the point of getting my way. But now that he is in my face constantly, I started verbally and physically abusing him. I'd say things like he's fat and unattractive to me yet I get mad if women pay him attention. When I do not get a reaction from him, I get in his face and smush him. I also kick him, I want him to do everything for me like make me breakfast, coffee, take me out to dinner. However, at times I do show him a part of me that is still sweet but it isn't frequent. I told him once that he needed to just hand me his balls so I can smash them and when I'm done I'll give them back. To prove my point when I was saying it, I actually grabbed and yanked him. He got angry and left the house for a little bit. Even with all my mistreatment of him he still hugs me and loves me. I want to stop but don't know how.

Editor's Note:  Look into anger management classes and couples counseling.  These are not guarenteed to work (they can only help you understand your behavior better, not prevent you from acting in abusive ways - only you can ultimately stop acting in abusive ways), but they will certainly give you a good leg up and a better chance of breaking out of this abusive cycle than what you're doing now.  

Ive been there Still am.... kind of - Rene - May 23rd 2007

I have read all of the comments on this page and let me tell you that It brought back nothing but panic and anxiety. I was in a physically and Mentally abusive realtionship for four years. I left him a year ago after he blackened both my eyes and gave me a fat lip. To tell you the truth, had he not moved out of state I probably would have went back to him, like I did time and time and time again over a 4 year period. I hear the same thing over and over again in these writings...why the hell do i stay in an abusive realtionship!? I have been asking myself that same question for for ever. I have yet to figure it out. The only thing that I can figure is this. I have done some dating since the 4 years of hell, and I have dated guys that gave me neckalces and flowers and would never think of raising their voice to me, and would like a house and a white picket fence and would be loyal and dependable and have good jobs.....and I am BORED to death. I chew on my own tounge Im so bored with them...just for somthingto do. LOL. Then I fond this guy who isnt physically abusive, but like to mess with my head and emotions, and I think I am in love all over again. I dont get it. Im driving to his house the other night, after he told me that I am stupid and that I have been pimped and that even he couldndt beleive I was still coming to see him after the things he said to me and I figured out that for some reason, I like the abuse. It is sick and it is twisted but I feed on it, its like a drug, and as much as I hate it, I crave it. If anyone else feels the same way I do, please write me, and if anyone has figured out how to fix these feelings please let me know. All I can figure is I know people that like to be abused during sex, choked, whipped...this turns them on and I always thought how in the hell can that turn them on?? But I like to be mentally fucked...it turns me on. What the HEll!!! sbechlem at hotmail dot com

I'm a guy who is abused! - Steve - May 23rd 2007

     Well there are certainly a lot of women who seem to be in abusive relationships and i'm wondering why?  Well i think i'm starting to understand, well maybe a bit.  I'm a 31 old guy, who has been with a woman for almost two years.  When i met her, she was so quiet and seemed to really like me, i couldn't imagine how she really was.  I saw the warning signs, but i was immensely attracted to her, and she seemed to be really attracted to me too.  I thought finally i found someone who was attractive, funny, loving, and someone i could trust.  I guess you could say I'm a "nice guy" who is somewhat sensitive, and not very aggresive at all.  I saw some red flags about her, but i figured she was just like that.  I noticed on our first few dates, she had a cell phone that many men seemed to call on a daily basis, she would flirt with them right in front of me.  It didn't really bother me, but it made me wonder why so many men would call all the time.  After a while, i noticed she seemed to always be "busy" or not have time for me.  It seemed something always "came up".  Well i brushed it off, and continued seeing her.  There were days she just didn't call and would never answer her cell phone.  Then out of the blue she would call and want to "hang out".  I remember the first time she blew up at me for no reason at all.  She accused me of seeing someone else, and told me she wanted her picture back.  Quite frankly i was shocked at her loss of temper, and proceeded to give her picture back.  She apolagized and because she seemed sorry i brushed it off.  This is the beginning of a story that will shock some of you.

I am still with her, I am in love with her, and why i haven't put a stop to what she is doing to me is still beyond my understanding.  She has accused me of infedility and still does, even though i found out she was on dating sites exchanging numbers.  I don't know to this day if she has ever cheated on me, but honestly it wouldn't surprise me.  She has verbally abused me on a constant basis, but would always turn into a sorry women after.  When she wanted to argue with me for some reason, she always found some reason to, even though we were getting along at the moment.  She would take personal gifts and anything else back when she got mad, put them all in a bag and either took them home, or destroy them.  I'm talking even a bar of soap she brought over when i ran out.  She would even take my possessions at times and not return them.  This still goes on today although not as often.  When i tried to calm her down she sometimes grabbed me by my arms or one time by my neck, and pull back her hands in a fist, i thought she was gonna punch me out.  She then left my place and wouldn't talk to me sometimes for days.  I felt left all alone, and wondered where she went.  To this day i haven't met her mother, and rarely does she introduce me to friends.  Sometimes she would call my phone and say she was sorry and i always forgave her, but i felt alone and left there and felt frustrated.  There were days that were good, and some were just hectic.  Sometimes it got so bad that we would literally fight, and ended up just being so mad at each other.  What i can't understand is why i was terrified of her leaving, even though she scared the hell out of me with her temper.  I usually would beg her not to leave and it just made her want to leave even more.  There were times i cried by myself on the couch, and wonder what even happened??  Well one time i cracked into her e-mail and read some to find out what she was doing behind my back, i didn't see anything real bad but it seemed when she was talking about me to other people i was referred to them as "her friend".  She also lied to me about some men she told me she stopped talking to, oh the list goes on!!  In the summer i had a huge panic attack and had to call the ambulance cause it was so bad i couldn't control it.  She didn't even come to see if i was o.k, and continued to snoop around my room and didn't even come to the hospital to see if i was o.k.  Well turns out i was fine and when i went home to call her she complained about a phone number of a friend and called her to harass her on the phone!!  I couldn't believe it!!  I thought i was dying and she's going through notes on my desk??  I can't keep any notes or books around as she snoops into everything, my laptop, books, cell phone, my private notes, it just gets ridicolous.  If she found a number she immediantly accused me of cheating (even though i wasn't) and lose her temper, then leave, but not before doing her hair and make-up, she said she was going home.  I can go on and on but for some reason i can't leave her, it seems like i can't stop thinking and worrying about her cheating on me, it's like a constant worry.  I guess i have no self-esteem and i'm no Brad Pitt, and she's very attractive and i do love her so much.  I don't know why i put up with it even though a lot of people told me i need to leave her.  I hate that i had to say those things about her, and i wish she would change, there are times when she seems to love me so i believe her and just forgive her.  There are so many things that just seem so weird though, she has sometimes disappeared for days and even a week at times.  She sometimes shows up at my door dressed up and saying she was at a dinner for "a cousin's" birthday, yet never seems to bring me.  She broke up with me for a week telling me it was because she didn't feel close to me, then telling me a month later after we got back that she liked a guy at work, who she still talks to today.  It seems she can do whatever she wants, talk to any guy she wants but when i do she flips out.  I really don't know what to do anymore, seriously, on one hand i want to stay with her because i am scared to lose her, and on the other hand she is driving me nuts!!!  Why am i like this, does anyone have any idea??  Any professionals out there that can help me?  Is there anything i can do to help her change?  Please help!!!!!!

HOPE - STACEY - May 2nd 2007

WOW!! Read all the letters and let me say "I have been there" from the down grading husband/ the abusive boyfriend/ losing everything I had. I had 2 children 1 step-daughter and had to move quick. I lost my car, my home, my step-daughter had to go to a friend of the family because I couldn't afford to take of her. We cried and I told her once I get on my feet she could come back. Her mother didn't want her and her father is incarcerated. I felt bad she didn't understand. Now she is living with family in Michigan and I have gotten back on my feet. My children are finally in a home with lots of love and no fighting. It took awhile to get on my feet. The institutes are good for advise, the counseling costs a lot of money, if you have a good church go talk with someone there. Prayers can do miracles. Thats all I had, I had no family to turn to and no one to call I did call the domestic violence help and we went to court and of course they did nothing. He gets the kids every other weekend and pays. Don't give up and PRAY contact a friend or if you have family. The life you are living is wrong if he wants to be with you and loves you then he will marry you and quit disrespecting you. If you do not have children its easier to get out. You can get EPO not that it does any good unless state specifically what you want and for him to do. If it doesn't state it on paper they will do nothing they will say "its not on the paper". Done that too!!

hopeing - martha charles - May 2nd 2007

i have been leaving with my boyfriend four 4 months and he doesn't care or love me, he sleeps on the couch most of the time. he dosen't tourch or hugs me.we are strangers leaving together

Please Get Help - I got out after 15 yrs and found a wonderful man & very happily married - Mar 27th 2007
The National Domestic Violence Hotline available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, provides services in English and Spanish. If you or someone you know is being abused, contact the Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233.) The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network also operates a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week hotline for victims of sexual assault. The Network automatically connects callers to a rape crisis center in their community where they can find counseling and support. You can reach the Network at (800) 656-4673.

18 and not in love - lil T - Mar 19th 2007
Me and my guyfriend have been talking for a year and a half. We have been doing more than just talking. In fact I lost my virginity to him and I really care about him alot. I just recently found out that he has a girlfriend and when i heard about it it broke my heart. Well now I'm over it and we are still having sex with each other and he still has her as a girlfriend. I told myself that I was too young to be settling down and that I want to have fun for once and it was my decision to continue to have sex. My heart is not in the relationship anymore. Its just sex.

Lets talk sometime - nikki - Mar 15th 2007
And here I thought I was the only one stuck with a guy that claims that I have the mental illness!! I posted comments in the past on here. If anyone would like to talk....anyone can email me. Even tho we are going thru hell....its nice to be able to talk to someone that is going thru the exact same crap! My email address is nikki.rolfe@gmail.com

End of the Rope - jenn - Mar 14th 2007

I've been in an abusive relationship for a year and a half.  My boyfriend constantly puts me down.  He calls me stupid, ugly, retarted, bitch and more.  He told me on the other day that the only reason we fight is because i'm f*cked in the head, and we would never fight if i didn't cause all our problems.  When I tell him that he is abusive he laughs and me and tells me I'm so stupid.  I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.  The other day I had school early in the morning, he had his friends over till 4am drinking.  When i told him that he kept me up all night he said he was punishing me for being a bitch over the weekend because I blew up and told him i'm really unhappy and want to leave.  I don't know what to do anymore. 

I am losing my mind and cant make it stop! - - Feb 27th 2007

I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years. I should mention that prior to this I married at 19 and was in an abusive marriage for 6 years before finding the courage and strength to leave. I am educated, a leader in my community and spend a lot of time counseling teen girls on how to recognize abuse and helping them with self-esteem and self-deveopment. I can do all this, yet ended up in a more abusive relationship with what I thought was "my bestfriend." I now work for him, live with him and we even go to church together and help out in our community. No one would imagine what goes on in our home. Cheating, lying, manipulating, bugs on the phone and office, breaking into my computer....... He is so smart that he has the ability to twist any conversation to make me think everything is my fault. Even when I make a point that he doesnt listen to me when I vent my feelings, he reponds with ,"Im sorry that your not mature enough to hear the truth.....or Im sorry you dont have the patience to hear what I have to say." Somehow, its always my fault. He swears that I am crazy, miserable, and emotional basket case and this is why I have isolated myself. He says Im bipolar and need prozac. The truth is I am depressed, cant get out of bed, have stopped going to work for him, cant seem to move on to a new job out of fear and lack of confidence in myself(though I KNOW I AM SUCH A SMART WOMEN WHO HAS RAN HIS COMPANY FOR THE LAST 4 YRS), and just want it all to end. I have a 7...hes coming....finish later

OK. It wasnt him......I would like to continue if possible as this may be my only chance to let "someone" know the hell that I live in called 'my life." I explained that I am depressed. Miserable. I keep in all of my emotions because anytime I have voiced them, it ends in a BIG fight that my son often sees. Recently my son and his daughters saw him push to me to the ground and were totally freaked out by it. We have all been so uneasy since then and yet he still makes it seem as if hes the victim and he just cant take it anymore. He makes me think Im crazy and that I am causing all of this and that everyone sees it but me. He makes me think that it is I who has been abusive, and demanding and that I dont give him credit for his progress. I know he is unsupportive of my dreams, demotivates me indirectly with comments like, "of course you have the ability to do this, I would just be afraid that I wouldnt have the time to do everything and if you fail then everyone loses faith in you and will pass you up next time." He makes me doubt myself and my abilities.

Im sitting here at home today, got out of bed after 12pm, havent worked in almost 2 mths, cant stop my anxiety, have no money, dont know how to make him leave and dont have the means for me and my son to leave, am too scared to force him out with an order or protection, because THEY DONT PROTECT YOU AND HE WILL ONLY COME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND HURT ME......and think I am losing my mind. The thoughts in my head do not belong there, I am a christian and have faith, yet never felt such dispair and fear of starting a new life....AGAIN. How do I live for myself and my son and keep from dating ANOTHER abuser. This relationship was much worse than my marriage. What dont I see and why do I seem to set myself up as this victim constantly around this drama and disrespect.

Hope this will inspire and open eyes - Woke up! - Feb 21st 2007

I was in a physically, emolitionally, and verbally abusive relationship for 5yrs. I started dating my ex when I was only 16 & 1/2 =) (1st boyfriend) Im now 22. Of course it didnt start out that way. In the begining for about the first 6 months he was the best boyfriend a girl could want. He was cute, smart, and athletic. He was the sweetest guy ever! He was also my best friends cousin. The abuse began with him first controlling little things, like when I could get off the phone with him or when I could and couldn't hang out with my friends (including his cousin). He was very manipultaive... like they all are! He would tell me that he wanted to spend as much time as he could with me because he loved me. I believed him and thought it was sweet and romantic ( I thought WOW this guy LOVES me). Little by little I lost all my friends and he was all I had. He became my best friend...my everything. He knew he was all I had (friends wise). Thats when the abuse started. At first it was just a shove or a push. Once he saw he could gert away with that It got worse. The abuse wasn't daily but it did happen at least once a month. Everytime it happen he would say sorry and cry (tears are a way to make you feel sorry fo them. Tears make you feel like they really do care). The abuse got worse every single time. I would cry and he would just look @ me w/ a blank stare on his face. Eventually he no longer apologized...he would tell he "See what YOU made me do." I started to feel that my tears where nothing to him but repulsive. So sad. I started to believe it. I would think to myslef "If I just shut up and stop talking back he wont get angry." WRONG! When I did stay quiet he got mad because I didnt care...I wasn't showing concern. I could NEVER win. I was damned if I did and damned I didn't. The abuse some how was always MY fault. WTF?!

He grew up seeing his father abuse his mother and would always blame his actions on his father. His father also abused him. I felt sorry for him. I saw him as a victim. I felt like I was all he had...that was a BIG reason why I stuck around. I could grasp or believe that the same person who would treat me like a princess and the most important person in the world was capable of HITTING me. I became numb. It was our secret. How could the hand that loved me also hit me? I've been kicked, spit on, chocked, dragged on the floor, punched, and cheatd on. How could any of that ever be my fault? Its not! It's not yours either. Never ever!

We finally broke up for good on October 31, 2006. I decided that I deserved way better. I realized that he wasn't going to change. He didn't think he had a problem. He abused the girl before me (he was only 14 then) and he will do the same to the girl he is with now until he gets professional help. Its a cycle and as long as there is someone who will take the abuse it wont stop. It WONT...dont think that you are different. You are not. You CANNOT make him change...you just cant!

NO ONE ever deserves to be hurt. NOT physically, emotionally or verbally. The truth is that REAL LOVE does not hurt. It does not make you do crazy things. Love is suppose to make you feel good, happy, and refreshed. Not drained and misserable.

If you are currently being abused....GET OUT! You deserve better. You deserve true happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. Abusers rarely change ( dont think your abuser is in that slim %) please, please, dont stay. Why would they change for you? You already let them get away with it once or maybe even more then once. You might think to yourself..."But I love him/her". Yes.. you might love them but obviously they dont love you. You migh think you cant live w/o them...YOU CAN! You were a human being before you met them and you will be one once their gone. Its hard believe me I know. I was with this guy for 5 yrs. Im only 22...I thought this guy was the one. He was what I thought was my 1st TRUE love....WRONG! I ignored and made excuses for all the bad and focused on the good. I blamed his father for his problem. The abuse is their (abusers) problem to fix and theres alone.

Forget about all the good things they have done. They have abused you and no good deed will ever justify abuse. EVER! If there wasn't a good side to these losers no one would stick around long enough to be abused. Its a cycle and minds games. They know what they are doing. As soon as they see they can no longer control you they drop you like a hot rock and move on to their next victim. Let them GO! There are so many wonderful people in this world that would be more then happy and willing you treat you right.

When you settle for less then your worth you get less then you settled for.

A heartbreak is temporary...DEATH is forever!

power - - Feb 19th 2007
My question is WHY ARE YOU GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY TO THESE MEN. this is a classic bully verses victim, different polarities of the same energy. Why are you buying into it, because YOU are the victim, and you need a bully to create this reality.  I know these sounds like harsh words - but whats it gonna take for you to realise you came into this world alone and you will leave that way, while your here its your choice who you spend your time with - The universe is asking you is this how you want to be treated, (abusively) the message your sending out is yes, when you stay with that person, so what do you expect? Try to get your hands on the book 'Ten stupid things women do to mess up there lives'  dont be a victim - be a victor! if you are taking this in be prepared for your defence mechinism to kick in now with big fear! that normal means your on the right track. Hope this helps even one women! warm realistic wishes to you all

He is not good - no name - Feb 17th 2007
I met my husband in the internet and we got married a year later maily because I neede it green card. He was living far away still in the same state I wanted so badly that we live togther but he state in Sweden living together is not neccesay. Recently the ex wife with whon he shares custody of a little girl moved so far but close to me, now is neccessary living together. This man has threat me with everything anybody could imagine. We are living togehter since Sepr, he is european I am hispanic. He has said that he will call Inmigration if I lleave him and that he will call police and my work so they fire me etc. I hate him sometimes and the true I am not in love anymore. He argues EVERYDAY for anything. He blames me of been mean and have not manners he even say that I have a good job because of my pretty face and because I am a criminal. He calls me jerk,  beast, no manners, no education, meanest person, alcoholic, he says I am messing around every time I travel for my company  once or twice a month.  He reviews my cell, garbage, purse, drawers, car, home phone call ID, web brouser, he has told me he is going to kill himself if I leave him and that he cannot live without my children ((from my first marriage) and myself. I called the police the other day because he was driving my children and I crazy. I can't way until I have my Green c. for 10 years and all this nightmare is over. He ask for forgiveness pretty much every day and tells me I will never going to find anybody that loves me and my kids like he does.  I rather be alone. thank you. God will lead !!

Dear god please help me! - Jodi - Feb 13th 2007
I dont know where to begin. I am stuck in the worst relationship of my life and believe me, my relationships havent been a picnic. My self esteem is shattered and has been since I was young. I have been abused in every way. 7 years ago I met a man who was sweet and caring and I thought "finally, I can breathe." Not so. Just another wolf in sheep's clothing. He is controlling and jealous. I have to sneek around to see to talk to friends and family. Well, I dont have to but choose to, its alot easier than dealing with the questions and negative comments. He has told me that I'm a terrible mother. He knows that is the one thing that is most important to me. It has been drilled into my head how terrible I am and now I'm afaid that I AM incapable of taking care of my children by myself. It has gotten so bad that I checked myself into a local crisis center, at his request. He brought me there and wanted to be a part of my therapy. No wonder, he knew that I wouldnt be honest to my therapist if he was there with me. I blamed myself. I have been prescribed meds for bipolar disorder. I just got home from the unit yesterday. On the way home he proceeded to tell me that he had a hard time taking care of the kids and had no help ect..... I guess I am supposed to feel bad for him but I dont. I take care of the kids day in and day out with no help. I also keep my house clean and cook. I want to dump the jerk but dont know where to go for help?

I want to leave him, but I don't. - Cristine - Feb 11th 2007

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 monts, and we are 4 months pregnant. In the beginning of my pregnancy, he was verbally abusive to me. He accused me on and off of lying to him, and keeping secrets. He checks my cell phone, and he would put me down and make me feel low sometimes.

I love him but I feel that he doesn't feel the same. I want us to work out for the sake of our baby, but it looks all so blurry ahead.

There are times I want to leave him and just never look back, end the relationship and forget about him. But I keep thinking he will change and his temper tantrums will go away.

He's always quick to blame things on me and make it sound like it was all my fault. I can't seem to talk to him even in a calm manner. If I wasn't pregnant I would slap him and throw things at him but I don't. In alot of ways, I am scared to even try because he will threaten me saying, "if you weren't pregnant I would smack your mouth so bad".

I know I am very stupid and stupid for typing this down instead of getting help. But I feel like I am being abused, just not physically.

I saw this page and reading the article just reminded me of myself.

I've died a little inside. - Anna - Feb 7th 2007

Abusive partners are everything you have described. I had only been with my ex boyfriend for 4 months,but it feels like a lifetime.At first, he was overly attentive, made me feel beautiful and special. He would send me lovely texts every day.

Then i was seeing him virtually every night, being late for work and i hadn't seen my family for many nights. We were sleeping together a lot, i felt like i had found a lovely man.

He didn't like not seeing me some nights and also didn't like me going out with friends from work.I knew really that something wasn't right,i attempted to leave him,but he always won me back.

He wanted to get engaged etc and i moved in stupidly, things moved too fast. I feel stupid for being so trusting and believing he really loved me.He began joking about hitting me and controlling my days with him, i always had to watch films he liked, ate what he ate etc.

He criticised my cooking and nothing was ever right what i did. I fell pregnant because he told me to not take the pill early on, i thought at this time that things would be happy, and i felt excitied about becoming a mother.

I blame myself for ever bothering with him and feel like i've lost my spark i once had.

He would make me feel so low, i would cry on my own. He never comforted me at these times. I'm having an abortion tomorrow, he has asked me if i'm sure, but that's just another way of trying to have a hold over me. He has three kids already with other women.

Now, I fell optimistic about life, I should have gained the confidence not to keep going back to him so many times. Now i have my life back, I hope that other women going through the same problems will have the courage to get out. I'm not bothered about meeting anyone new for a long while, I need to heal first.

Anyways, please trust your gut instincts and fly away, It's hard, because they make you feel like you're the one who is screwed up.

Love to all. thanx.  x x x

We sometimes mistake caring for love. - - Feb 6th 2007
I got married a week before my 18th birthday. I already saw the signs of abuse prior to my decision, but I loved him and thought that marriage would change things. Today, as I head into my 10 years of marriage I 'm starting to feel the impact of my errors. The emotional abuse has become unbearable. I get put down on the daily basics, he belittles me in front of people. He always has a complaint whether it's the way i do my hair or what i  cook for dinner, he says that i will never stand for his expectations and that i am worthless. He's been hanging out with a so called platonic female friend lately and never comes home on time. Always has financial problems. The reason i share this with all of you today is because i've had enough! I'm tired of feeling that i am uncapable of being loved or uncapable of doing things right. No one has the right to take you life from you and make it their own benefit. I have supportive friends that are willing to be by myside during this difficulty. I am at the stage of should i stay or should i go and know if i continue with him all i am going to gain is nothing.

Safety?? You Cannot Fall But You Cannot Fly - Brendie - Feb 1st 2007
I left my husband of 10 yrs it was the BEST THING I EVER DID. Marrying him was the worst thing I ever did. I thought he was a 'good guy' deep down, with occassional bad behaviour, now I know he was a bad guy who occassionally 'acted good' to keep me around to do things for him. Suzanne Somers wrote about unhappy/ stuck relationships which are like building ourselves a nest, where it's all safe and comfortable because it's familiar - but although you cannot fall (up there in the safe nest) you also cannot fly. I love that thought, and YES now I can fly. I'm finding my wings again and the freedom and peace in my spirit reminds me how glad I am to be alive and without abuse. He still tries to play games with me and our son, he is a fool, but I'm cutting off the communication, to make sure he has no access to abuse me. It's sad but some people DO get a kick out of hurting others, they like to hurt others and they know they are hurting you, and don't care about hurting you. I always thought my ex didn't REALISE how much his words hurt me, so I'd try and let him know. He didn't want to know, he already KNEW and that was his plan!!! Girls - do not hang around for one more day. Go back to your parents and say humbly - I made a mistake. Especially if you have kids, they MUST BE PROTECTED and even little kids will be learning "what is normal" by watching your man abuse you. For their sake at least stop the cycle dead. You can do it, you can be very brave and stop it yourself. Pray for God to give you the strength if you're afraid and go.

Why I did not leave earlier - anonymous - Jan 26th 2007
The reason why I did not get out this abusive relationship sooner is because I never realised that the namecalling, the cheating, the occasional mind game, the subtle put-downs and the insults, the switch on/off crazy/cheerful behaviour, the retaliations, the social isolation masked as extreme jelousy, were NOT mere incidents, but the product of a calculated, abusive campaign. I did call the local Help line on numerous occasions when I was tring to leave and all I was asked was whether he has beaten me. The problem is that this is the only question that hints on abuse. It is really misleading too, for it clears the whole range of psychological and emotional mistreatment as significant form of abuse. What I was supposed to tell them - yes, he has beaten me, choked me so that his nails sank into my neck, has hit my head and twisted my arm at different occasions on the past, but does not do that anymore? That when he yells and spits out of rage and is hovering on top of me or slams the door, or leaves me amidst an argument to go out unaccounted for, I am paralyzed with terror? That calling them is a reason to be paralyzed with terror? It was terrible, I used to be as in a state of shock, paralyzed and unable to do anything when I left for days. I did not understand why and how I was stunted even in everyday's life simplest tasks. It took really long time to straigthen things out. The greatest deal of healing began when during reading on relationships, I discovered a list of precautions that one might be in an abusive relationship and the list looked like a personality profile of my ex. It was like an epiphany. The more I read, the more liberated I felt. I had left physically months before, but this was the pivotal moment when my mind was freeing itself. The biggest confusion I had was the pity I felt for him all throughout leaving him and consequently when he attempted contact and I asked him not to call anymore or would not respond to e-mails. In respect to that I like to think that the person that I was attached to and had pity for, did not actually exist. It was an image, a mere shadow of the abusive person I spent 5 years with. Yet, less than an year later I do not feel anything. I do have delayed anger sometimes when I think about the times together and the clear (after educating myself extensively on abuse) indications that this is not a healthy relationship. You know, I used to think that this is what marriage is all about. Compromises, compromises. Unfortunately while I was compromising my integrity and my beliefs, his compromises were to "generously" switch off a horrendous temper tantrum. So, read as much as you can about abuse, eventually you will find advice that is appropriate for your situation, keep a voice or written journal (not only it straigthens your thoughts and lets you vent, but it seems like a protection against him too), educate your family and friends about abuse too. And get the hell out of there! It will be so worth it!

There is hope - Kat - Jan 16th 2007
I left an abusive relationship two years ago. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. I stopped caring about myself and became depressed, anxious all the time and without hope. I was completely brainwashed. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to leave him, But now I look back and after two years I have accomplished so much and believe me it hasnt been an easy ride, but now I have hope and now I love myself again. The longer you stay, the more pieces of you they take until they start taking your soul. Keep in mind that love is not supposed to hurt, love is patient, love is kind. These men have an illness and more than that there abusive side is a part of their personality, you cant change that. Listen to that little voice inside of you thats begging you to leave and begging you to love yourself again....And your life may be difficult for a time but it will be easier than putting up with him

- - Jan 15th 2007
i am a young female and me and my boyfriend had a baby he acts like im just the dumbest girl he has ever had but he loves me he dosent want to take care of our little girl and dosent want to work i pay all the bills and he just acts like i need his permission to talk and do things when his friends come around hes all happy and stuff then its like he see's me its like what does she want he is never home if i walk through the door he leaves i mean just this morning we got into and verbal argument infront of the baby because he said i was ignorante and childish he has hurt me so bad that im not even sure if i love him any more and all his friends are like he has alot of things going and and thats what makes him act like that but im taking care of a grown man that his parents dont even want staying with them his whole family hates me for no reason and im just thinking that its time for me to end this relationship be for some one gets hurt at times i want to hit him and make him feel how i feel when he talks to me like that. Then what realy makes me mad is that after he says what he wants he later says i love you and im sorry and the he tries to make me have sex with him by this point i want to spit in his face he has me to the point that i dont want to be in any more relationships i just want to raise my baby by myself he also has another baby mamma and its like he always tells me what he used to do for her when they were together and i dont care its so hard to talk to him hes like day and night on minute happy the next im a fat black b.... or he hates me and dont love me or he got another girl friend any way when he goes out with his friends i cant never find him or know were he is but everyone else seems to know were he is. well i must be going goodbye.(whats his problem????)

it isn't your fault - Lynne - Jan 15th 2007
First no matter what you may have heard you deserve to be treated with respect. Second of all you may name call, yell or throw things etc to protect yourself. Protecting yourself is different than abuse. An abuser is not name calling etc to protect themself from you and they are in control of what they are doing. Your abuser will blame you and use all sorts of tactics to keep it going including crazy making etc. Call a shelter and get some counselling. Some of these people are excellent and helpful. If a counsellor acts like they don't believe you get a different counsellor. Don't expect friends and family to necessarily be there for you. It is hard for some of them to comprehend the violence. It seems unreal and they would rather think you had done something to provoke the abuse than to believe that can actually happen here in a civilized country. (Civilized?) Educate yourself and read the following book for some moral support. The book is the best I have ever read and is written by Lundy Bancroft who has worked with abusive men for 15 years and knows them well. It is nice to have some backing from someone who knows. "Why Does He Do That ?" is the title. You are not crazy and you do not deserve to be abused. Do your best to rebuild your self-esteem but first get some help getting out safely.

afraid to leave - - Jan 14th 2007
I'm afraid to leave because I have no where to go and no money to afford to be with out him I also have cancer problems what can I do. please advise

you need to get out but you cant - A - Jan 13th 2007
i know i'm in an abusive relationship, but somehow i cant get out. i love him so much, but he is like a light switch. turn him on - he's angry. turn him off - he's not. i dont know what to do, i want help, but i dont want to leave him. he has beaten me - hit me, punch me, left marks, bruises, head injuries, mouth injuries, he always yells at me telling me i can never do anything right. it's so fustrating.