Changing Attitudes About Abuse

Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Dec 15th 2005

Abuse used to be a taboo (unspeakable, avoided) topic. The idea in the past was that parents all but owned their children, and that husbands all but owned their wives. If you go back far enough, (and you don't have to go back that far at all; a mere 150 years will do), you find the idea that human beings could literally be property (e.g., slaves) and therefore abused at the arbitrary whim of their owners was widely accepted throughout the world. In such a world where people could be property, abuse was rampant, rationalized and simply not discussed all that much.

Thankfully, the idea that people could be owned, and the more general idea that some people are better than other people because of circumstances of their birth has been progressively discredited, at least in public forums. Slavery was outlawed in the United States in the aftermath of the 1860's Civil War. Women gained the right to vote in 1919. Abusive child labor was outlawed in the 1930s. These changes set the stage for increasing awareness of abuse as a serious societal problem; an awareness that continues to evolve today.

Even with these reforms in place, until very recently, most instances of abuse were seen as personal issues that outsiders had no business getting involved in. For instance, it was widely accepted that parents had the right to discipline their children as they saw fit and no one could legitimately say otherwise. Today, this attitude of secrecy has changed, and much of the abuse taboo has worn away. People are increasingly willing to talk about abuse they have sustained, and society as a whole is more willing to intervene to protect vulnerable victims of abuse, especially when those victims are children. Child protective services (CPS) departments are funded (however anemically) by every state. There are now laws that describe under what circumstances it is appropriate for law enforcement officials to intervene in abusive domestic disputes and child and elder abuse cases. Many helping professionals, such as medical doctors, psychologists, teachers, and certain caregivers, are now mandated to report abuse to state agencies when they learn of it. For example, when a professional becomes aware of child abuse or neglect, he or she must notify appropriate government agencies, such as child protective services at the state or county level (See Appendix A for a list of numbers and websites by state), or face legal consequences him or herself. The CPS agency is mandated to follow up on reports and determine whether abuse has actually occurred. If abuse is determined to be ongoing and a threat to children's welfare, CPS staffers are empowered (with the blessing of the courts) to remove children from abusive homes and place them into foster care while their parents undergo counseling. Similar adult protective services agencies (created through local Area Agency on Aging, or Department of Social Services agencies at the state and county government level) are available to investigate eldercare abuse reports. However, you should be aware that often these agencies are severely understaffed and/or under-funded, so they may only be able to respond to the most serious of abuse reports.

In addition to becoming proactive about abuse prevention in terms of personal relationships, government has also become more receptive to working to deter hate crimes, and other instances of institutional abuse. As described above, many states have (or have attempted to) put legislation into place that mandates stronger penalties for persons convicted of hate crimes. In institutional settings such as schools, some attention has recently been giving to implementing methods for preventing bullying.

Abuse may be part of the seductive dark side of human nature and impossible to eradicate entirely. However, by shedding light on the subject and by compelling action being taken to interrupt abuse when it is identified, the impact of abuse on some people's lives can be lessened.

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im confused - - Jan 18th 2010

i have been with a woman for four years now and have hit her twice now that i can remember. once when we were in a fight and she said some very vulgar things about my mother. my mother has never said or done anything bad towards my girlfriend but she knew it would hurt me immensly and i slapped her across the face pretty hard. another time after that it was for no reason that deserved any phisical confrontataion but i lost it for some reason. i remember on both occations when i did it everything seemed far away and i saw things as if i was drunk. just for a moment. my father was very abusive towards the kids and my mother growing up, i dont know if this has anything to do with it. both times i felt horrible about what happened and just kept thinking about what she looked like when i hit her. especially the time she hadnt done anything wrong. i dont know what to do because i feel as if im turning into my father but i find myself rationalizing about it and how if ANYONE said something like that about someone i love i would have done the sam and they deserve it. am i an abuser?

I feel your pain - - Jan 8th 2010

I am aware of what you are going through. I have been with this person for 4 years living with them for almost a year now. I took him in when he lost his home,job,now his car and his bank account has been seized. he is very mentally and physically abusive to me. He calls me unintelligent,dense,all kinds of vulgar names, because if things aren't the way he say they should be then it isn't right. He always talks about the past and the future never about what is going on now, the present time. He spends all his time on the computer and complaining. Nothing is ever good enough for him. The name calling and disrespect is unbelievable. I have lost weight, my blood pressure stays up and I have cluster headaches all the time. He doesn't work and anything I ask him to do it takes weeks or months for him to do and after he does it he complains and curses me out. I could do the same but I know two wrongs don't make a right. I pray everyday that things change for him that he changes his attitude . He does good for a few days and then things are back to what I call normal for him. He hardly ever have anything good to say to me or about me. I know it's time I say good bye to this abuser. I watched my mother be abused from the time I could remember until she finally left my father. And now I see why this person is so angry,at himself for letting drugs ruin his life now he wants to pull me down with him. Before i let him do this any further I must let him go,and he will see just how good he really had it. I am not as knowledgeable and book smart as he but I do know how to treat people as people and not objects. I know it's not easy but it's time we women think of ourselves and leave these LOSERS behind to wollow in their own self pitty. Life is to short to let another human destroy us mentally and physcially. I will pray for all of us, and hopefully we will make it to see another day a brighter happier day. God Bless us all.

I feel you november 2006 - - Mar 16th 2009

I have been in an extreamly verbally/emotionally & sometimes physically abusive relationship for going on 9 years now. we have four children together and two step children. I have left on the occassions that my husband was physical with me, at least some of the times, but I always allowed him to make me feel guilty and pressure me into coming back. Each time a wall of resentment, pain and more recently anger has gotten thicker and thicker.

In order to get respect from him I've almost had to lower my standards and get on his level. I hate this because I was never this way before. I wish that I had been strong enough to leave and stay gone, for my sake and my children's. Staying has made me very bitter, and angry. I've been crying out for help, and trying so hard to spare and protect my children from his behavior, that I act out of character to get him to stop, instead of just calling the police or putting my foot down and not letting him back in. I hate myself for not being strong, and for giving in so many times. I'm no further than I was five years ago. Now, I'm just worse, and my children as well.

I've wanted to leave, but feel some different emtions ranging from guilt to just being straight up confused as to what to do.

Abuse is so complex, but there is nothing positive about it at all. once that trust leaves the relationship, it is major hard o get it back - trust that your partner would never do certain things to hurt you or your children...

response to nov 6, 2006 - - Jan 13th 2007
i don't think you're becoming who he was, but it sounds like you KNOW what he did IS & was wrong. Maybe you resent yourself for putting up with that kind of treatment. If i'm correct ... you'll never lose that attitude...you need to say good-bye. I just got out of 10-yr relationship & let me tell you...i'm SO much happier now. Be strong & do the right thing for yourself. If he really loves & wants to make things work, he'll do everything in his power to PROVE to you that he's better. I found after you remove yourself from situation...everything will become clearer for you. :) good luck ...noones going to EVER love you more than you love yourself.

i can't get over it - - Nov 10th 2006
Me and my husband have been married for almost a year now, and since then I have been physically an emotionally abused. We want to get through this, but I hold a deep grudge, I can't forget or for that matter forgive him. I sent him to jail for hiiting me and now he's following a strict program to better himself. I can say he's trying but there are still big arugements and outburts of rage but nothing like it used to be. Still when he does these things it brings back every bad memory of what was. I fear him very much still and he knows that, but at the same time he is getting help and his effort is good for the most part. I feel no pity for him, just remorse over all the pain he has caused, we love each other and want to see this work. Here's the twist now, I've become this mean bitter person toward him now and I'm hurting him now, becoming what he was or is? I really dislike myself for that but then I think back and feel he deserves it. Is there hope for us pulling through this, we want there to be.