Resources  email page print page Basic Information Chapter 1 - Self-help: What is it? Chapter 1 - IndexIntroduction to the Online Self-Help BookTaking Action is KeyExample of Taking Action (with analysis)Steps in the Self-help ProcessSteps 1-4: Problem AnalysisSteps 5-7: Planning a SolutionSteps 8 and 9: Taking ActionSteps to Self-Help OverviewBenefits of Self-helpDisadvantages of Self-helpWhen Self-help Is InappropriateDeciding Whether to Use Self-help or Professional HelpDiagnosis vs. Self-DiagnosisRisks of Self DiagnosisConclusion Chapter 2 - Understanding the Nature of your Problem Chapter 2 - IndexIntroductionIdentify What Life Domains Are AffectedSocial ProblemsLifestyle IndicatorsSelf Identity ProblemsLevels of EmotionSexual Identity and Gender IdentityCultural IdentityLife Domains ConclusionDraw Upon Your ExistingSources of Inaccurate KnowledgeSources of Inaccurate Knowledge: ConclusionTelling True From FalseDraw Upon Scientific Methods and KnowledgeConcerns in Science Chapter 3 - Overview of Bio-Psycho-Social Theories Chapter 3 - IndexIntroductionThe Bio-Psycho-Social ModelImplications of Medicine for Self-helpImplications of Psychological Theories for Self-help: IntroductionLearning TheoryPsychodynamic TheoriesHumanistic TheoryPersonality Trait TheoryDevelopmental TheoriesSocially Oriented Theories: Family SystemsSocially Oriented Theories: Further Points Chapter 4 - Meeting Basic Needs Chapter 4 - IndexIntroductionMethods for Meeting Basic NeedsMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: Shelter, Food, and Medical CareMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: NutritionMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: SleepMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: ExerciseMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: SafetyMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: BelongingMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: Relaxation and FunAssessing Basic Needs Chapter 5 - Changing Behavior and Thought Chapter 5 - IndexMethods for Changing Behavior and ThoughtsTechniques for Learning New BehaviorsTechniques for Unlearning Old BehaviorsTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: ExtinctionTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: Self-MonitoringTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: Biofeedback and NeurofeedbackTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: OverviewDealing with Avoidance-Motivated BehaviorDealing with Avoidance-Motivated Behavior: ExposureDealing with Avoidance-Motivated Behavior: Response PreventionDealing with Avoidance-Motivated Behavior: Flooding and Rational OverrideDealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Relapse PreventionDealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Relapse Prevention (Continued)Dealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Tapering Methods vs. Cold TurkeyDealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Aversion TherapyApplying Learning Principles to ThoughtsApplying Learning Principles to Thought: Cognitive RestructuringCommon Types of Thought and Belief MistakesCommon Types of Thought and Belief Mistakes: Jumping to Conclusions and Emotional Reasoning BiasesCognitive RestructuringThought StoppingSelf-Suggestion Approaches: Affirmations, Imagery and RelaxationHypnosis and Self-Hypnosis Self-Suggestion Approaches Chapter 6 - Changing Your Mood Chapter 6 - IndexMethods For Changing Your MoodSelf-Soothing Techniques: Venting and JournalingSelf-Soothing Techniques: Relaxation Methods, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, and MassageSelf-Soothing Techniques: Autogenic Training and YogaSelf-Soothing Techniques: MeditationSelf-Soothing Techniques: DistractionSelf-Soothing Techniques: Physical Exercise Chapter 7 - Changing Your Knowledge Chapter 7 - IndexChanging Your Knowledge, Skills and Abilities and CredentialsPersonal Knowledge and Informal LearningPublic, Documented Knowledge and Credential ProgramsLearning Knowledge vs. SkillLearning Knowledge vs. Skill: PracticeTime Management and OrganizationTime Management and Organization: Commitment Mapping Chapter 8 - Changing Your Relationships Chapter 8 - IndexMethods For Changing Your RelationshipsSocial SkillsSocial Skills: Role PlayingNetworkingSocializationSetting boundaries AppropriatelySetting boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness TrainingSetting boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training (Continued)Setting boundaries Appropriately: Anger ManagementSetting boundaries Appropriately: Aggressive BehaviorValues Clarification (Again!) Chapter 9 - Changing Your Identity and Motivation Chapter 9 - IndexMethods For Changing Your Identity and Your MotivationsExploring Perspectives on the Past, Present and FutureChanging Perspectives On The PastChanging Perspectives On The Past: Autobiography and Analysis of TransferenceChanging Perspectives On The Past: GenogramChanging Perspectives On The Past: OverviewMethods for Changing Perspective on the PresentMethods for Changing Perspective on the Present: Understanding Your Basic Personality ProfileCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Basic and Intermediate DefensesCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Mature DefensesCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Mature DefensesCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Questions to Ask OneselfValues and Morals ClarificationValues and Morals Clarification: Value ChangesMethods For Changing Perspective On The FutureMethods For Changing Perspective On The Future: Challenging Pessimistic Tendencies Chapter 10 - Your Unique Self-Help Plan Chapter 10 - IndexIntroductionCreating Your Unique Self-Help Plan: Setting Goals and Selecting MethodsCreating Your Unique Self-Help Plan: Plan ManagementCreating Your Unique Self-Help Plan: Stick With It!Example self-help plans: 1 & 2Example Self-help Plans: 3Example Self-help Plans: 4Example Self-help Plans: 5 Chapter 11 - Specific Problems Chapter 11 - IndexIntroduction to Specific PlansAbuseAddictions (Including Alcoholism)ADHDAnger and AggressionAnxiety and WorryCompulsive Eating and Not-EatingDatingDebt and Compulsive Spending (Shopping Addiction)DepressionGamblingInternet AddictionObsessive Compulsive DisorderProcrastinationPublic SpeakingRelationship ProblemsSelf-ConfidenceSexual AddictionSexual ProblemsSleep ProblemsSmokingSpeech ProblemsWorkaholism Chapter 12 - Dependency Chapter 12 - IndexIntroductionForces of DependencyMethods for Decreasing Dependency: Change Your Thoughts and BeliefsMethods of Decreasing Dependency: Change Your BehaviorMethods for Decreasing Dependency: Change Your KnowledgeMethods for Decreasing Dependency: Change Your Identity More Information Are You Ready to Declare Your Dysfunctional ProcrastinationHow To Set New Year's Resolutions and Stick With Them Questions and Answers Trauma and Drama: Why are friends and family rejecting me? When there is someone who is better looking than me, I feel inadequateWhat is the true meaning of being defensive?Stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship for 10 yearsHow do I get out of a friendship?Anger To Cover SadnessAsking a second time for boundaries to be respectedWhat is the right path of action?Please help me with basic social skillsstanding up for oneselfThe Catch 22 of Fear of AbandonmentWhat is wrong with me? I Don't care anymore... Blog Entries The Incredible Human Brain, Neuroplasticity, and the Power of Positive ThinkingIf you lived here…An Interview with Jürgen Kriz on the topic of Self-Actualization and Rogerian Person Centered PsychotherapyPursue a New You Through True Self ValueWhat effect will prejudice have at the polling booths? How To Set New Year's Resolutions and Stick With ThemDysfunctional ProcrastinationThe Nature of EnvyHow To Stick To New Year's ResolutionsUnderstanding PerfectionismSelf-Control and Success (and how to learn better self-control too) Videos The Assertive Type VideoThe Passive Type VideoThe Aggressive Type VideoThe Passive-Aggressive Type Links [2] Information[4] Videos

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For some people, the problem is not so much about creating new relationships, but rather about making the ones they currently have work better. People are not always happy in existing relationships. Relationships are fragile living things that change over time. Though they may start out well, they may not end up that way over time. They do not always turn out to be as equitable as people hope they will be when they enter them. When partner's beliefs and values get out of sync, and are no longer well matched, one or more participants usually ends up unhappy.

At issue in such relationships are the ways that people learn to manage the boundaries that define their relationships. In the physical world, boundaries are things that separate one thing from another, like walls that separate the outside of a house from the inside. Though they have no physical substance, psychological boundaries act very much like walls, by separating the private parts of people or relationships separate from the public parts. When an intimate relationship of any sort is occurring there is, in a manner of speaking, a psychological boundary around that relationship. The boundary is not there in any physical sense, of course, but nevertheless, secrets stay within the relationship as though there is a real wall holding them in place. It is trust that holds shared secrets in place and which creates the relationship boundary. If trust is betrayed, the boundary fails, and strangers get to learn the private details of the relationship.

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There are also psychological boundaries around each individual in a relationship. These individual boundaries have to do with self-determination and self-respect. They define each partner's right to keep some part of themselves separate from the relationship (to not let it define them utterly), and also to expect that their partner will treat them with respect. When these individual boundaries are intact and in place, the partners feel respected and cared for and not taken for granted. When they are broken by disrespectful actions (such as when one partner abuses the other, or makes unilateral decisions) they end up feeling abused.

Boundary violations of any sort tend to cause relationship problems. When one partner's actions cause another to feel belittled, unimportant or abused, then that other partner is faced with the task of learning how to defend themselves.

Learning how to effectively defend yourself against unwanted intrusions is not as simple as it might first seem. It is, of course, necessary that you learn new ways of interacting with intrusive or abusive people which will cause them to back off and leave you alone. Less obviously, however, you also have to learn how to recognize and become aware that you are being intruded upon in the first place, and you must also decide that you are a worthy person who does not deserve to be invaded or treated badly. Until you master the latter two tasks, knowledge of the former will not do you much good. With this insight in mind, we next discuss Assertiveness Training, a means of psychological self defense that helps people to understand when they are being taken advantage of and what they can do about it.

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Thank you!

abused at work - johnB - Dec 12th 2009

 i was new at my job.  usually, i worked mon-thurs.  they scheduled conference calls on friday, so i would join the calls and not get paid for it.  then, they started emailing me regarding systems problems.  because i was a good guy, i would answer the emails and help solve or solve the problems.  it got to the point where they expected me to be on call all of the time, essentially.  while i was on Xmas vacation, the boss contacted me and told me i needed to be on another teleconference.  we would do network maintenance, and the boss would email me saying "please ensure full coverage capability".  Etc, Etc, Etc.  I did not know, and still do not know how to be a "good employee" while at the same getting the people at work to respect the fact that I am not on call 24X7.

please help 

Emotional Abuse - - Nov 23rd 2009

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and came out the worst of it all. He was just so over powering and convincing that I believed every word that came out of his mouth.. He cheated, lied, never respected me at all!  And Im the fool that accpeted it! He used always ring me after a night out to collect him (3-4am in the morning) and when id say no (very rare) he would play the guilt trip.. Hed say ok so Il walk, knowing damn well he wouldnt/couldnt! When I look back at it all I really hate myself for putting myself in the situation I did! Was so insecure in the relationship! Im now out of it four months or so and feel happier with out him! The anxiety I developed is horrible but Im working with a counsellor to help!

thanks for the article!

Boundries - - Sep 5th 2009

I was in an abusive  relationship. I never thought I would find myself in such a relationship. My life partner seemed to thrive on not respecting the self respecting boundries I tried to set with him. As time went on my self esteem begain to dimenish. When I became ill, he decided that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship. Everyone I have talked with, have given answers like, men need to be in control and they do not respect women when they are not in control of the relationship. Is this really true?

Psychological boundaries - Kim - May 31st 2008

I agree with the psychological boundaries and that when they are intrusive and or abusive it is hard to deal with. The hardest thing is convincing yourself that you don't deserve it and you are worthy of respect. If you have been put down for so long you tend to lose your self esteem and think that you deserve the abusiveness.