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A Sexual Problem

Question:

My fiance and I have a sexual problem. In the first 6 months of our relationship we both had intrest in sex, but I found within that 6 months (we are now going on a year) I loved her more and more, we couldn’t afford birthcontrol and I developed an extreme fear of her becoming pregnant (and even condoms gave me worry), soon I could not connect loving her with sex, just sex and her becomming pregnant. This presented our problem, she can connect love with sex (as in sex being a normal part of loving someone), but I fail to see that connection (she does have birthcontrol now). It seems to me that love and sex have nothing to do with each other? This is hurting us both please help.

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Answer:

Like many people, I’m inclined to agree with your girlfriend that love and sex are often certainly related to each other, sex being a primary and most basic means of expressing love for a partner. It is possible to have sex without love being involved (such as the sort of sex a man might have with a prostitute, or a one-night stand). However, sex amongst persons in a committed relationship is almost always regarded as a means of expression of love between the partners. I wonder how you being male and your partner being female may effect how you both see this question. In my experience, men are often more easily able to see love and sex as being separate from each other than are women (although I’ve know a few women who thought this way too).

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p> The problem you present sounds like one for the philosophy professors – but I suspect that the real reason you’re writing is that you are hurting becuase your relationship is hurting over this argument (and possibly over other unstated issues). If you love this woman and want to continue being with her you two will have to compromise on the issue. By compromise, I mean that you two will have to find a solution that is acceptable to both of you regarding your love life. I advise you to see a relationship counselor to aid you in discusssing the issue and finding that compromise, maybe even a sex-therapist. Better to do it now before you are married than to wait until later.

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