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Abusive Adult Child

Question:

My son got hooked up with meth for a year or so back in his teens. He is off it now but still smokes pot every day. My son is very intelligent but hasn’t worked for more than a few months before he gets fired. He won’t look for a job and is draining my finances away while I try to help him and his wife survive. I love him dearly but he blames me for everything that is wrong in his life. His father passed away recently but was never an active father after we divorced when my son was 4. He idolizes his father and hates me and has said he wishes I had died instead. My son is 25. He can be very sweet sometimes but he has these outbursts of verbal abuse that come at the drop of a hat. I can’t take anymore of this torture and I can’t support him and his wife financially anymore. It breaks my heart to turn my back on him but it’s killing my soul, I have to . Could his anger issues be the result of some fried brain cells from the meth? Can he get better if it is?

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Answer:

Your son is a grown man who is 25 years old. He is at a point in life when it’s time for him to take full responsibility for his life. Evidently, he refuse to do this and, instead, blames his life on you. There is not excuse for that or for the terrible things he says to you. Actually, by giving him money you make it easier for him to be a child. After all, why work when mom pays pays the bills? It’s a good thing that you have stopped doing that.

I want to point out that by refusing to finance his life and that of his wife, you are not turning your back on him. Instead, you are sending a message that it’s time for him to grow up. Whether he takes the message seriously or not is up to him. The fact is that there is no excuse for him not working or keeping a job when he is working.

As to your question about the impact on his drug abuse, I really don’t know but I doubt it. My guess is that he is bad tempered, has never gotten off of drugs because he continues to use marijuana and and blames everyone else for his problems.

In my opinion, you should not accept his bad behavior and, instead, limit the amount of time and frequency you see him in order to spare your self grief and keep the time with him limited until he learns to treat you with respect.

Good Luck

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