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Abusive Relationship

Question:

Hi, I just ended an abusive relationship and I know It’s gonna come knocking at my door in a couple of days. I have thought a lot about my relationship with this obvious psychopath and finally had to end it. Yes, he has done ‘favors’ for me, (without me asking him and having denied them zillions of times)… I guess I was forced to take those favors from him. At one time last year, I became very weary of his over possessive behavior and ended this relationship, moved out of town and even got a great guy in my life (I wanted to move on and be happy). He found out and messed up the whole thing by harassing my friends, my boy friend and I finally gave up and resumed being with him to save further mess ups. When I went to meet him he beat me up ‘BLACK.’ I vowed never ever to speak to him and again he started the harassment, my friends, folks, even work! Fear of being jobless I got back but was very careful and yes there have been episodes of horrendous behavior which is unexplainable. I don’t fear this any more, and I finally realized, come what may, I am not gonna get back to this jerk ever, if I lose my job so be it. I have lost my life, my individuality and still he managed to control me nothing less than a puppet. I feel free but the remnants of being managed have made me weak and vulnerable. Do I diagnose for a personality disorder? What can I do to feel strong and confident again? I want my individuality, my life back! Please help.

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Answer:

You have certainly been through a lot of pain and suffering. You need to ask your self why you allowed this person to harass you life to the extent that he beat you up and interfered with work and friends? I have no way of knowing the reasons why but I can advance some ideas:

1. It is very common for someone who was abused or who witnessed abuse in the family during childhood to get into an abusive relationship during adulthood. It seems we repeat the process. You need to bring the repetition to a stop so that this never happens to you again.

2. Depression, anxiety and low self esteem can also be contributors to why and how a person allows their self to be abused. If you do not believe in your worth as a person you may then think you do not deserve any better than to be abused. For some people with low self esteem there is even the belief that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship. These thoughts are never accurate, never true.

How to get your life back again:

First, if this person does attempt to return to your life you must call the police and put a final stop to his bothering you. You can take out a restraining order against him, report him to the phone company if he calls you and take him to court if he ever gets near enough to hit you or threaten you.

Second, there are support groups for women who have been are being abused and you can find them through an Internet search.

I also suggest you read all the material on our web site about abuse so that you can learn about it.

Third, we have an Online Support community that you can join and discuss the problems you have had and get advice and support from others.

Fourth, I want to strongly urge you to get your self into psychotherapy so that you can learn how to build your self confidence and not allow this type of thing to happen to you again.

Stop giving in to this man. No longer allow him to interfere in your life. Remember the old song by Helen Reddy, "I am woman, I am invincible…"

Best of Luck

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