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Abusive Relationship

Question:

Hi, I just ended an abusive relationship and I know It’s gonna come knocking at my door in a couple of days. I have thought a lot about my relationship with this obvious psychopath and finally had to end it. Yes, he has done ‘favors’ for me, (without me asking him and having denied them zillions of times)… I guess I was forced to take those favors from him. At one time last year, I became very weary of his over possessive behavior and ended this relationship, moved out of town and even got a great guy in my life (I wanted to move on and be happy). He found out and messed up the whole thing by harassing my friends, my boy friend and I finally gave up and resumed being with him to save further mess ups. When I went to meet him he beat me up ‘BLACK.’ I vowed never ever to speak to him and again he started the harassment, my friends, folks, even work! Fear of being jobless I got back but was very careful and yes there have been episodes of horrendous behavior which is unexplainable. I don’t fear this any more, and I finally realized, come what may, I am not gonna get back to this jerk ever, if I lose my job so be it. I have lost my life, my individuality and still he managed to control me nothing less than a puppet. I feel free but the remnants of being managed have made me weak and vulnerable. Do I diagnose for a personality disorder? What can I do to feel strong and confident again? I want my individuality, my life back! Please help.

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Answer:

You have certainly been through a lot of pain and suffering. You need to ask your self why you allowed this person to harass you life to the extent that he beat you up and interfered with work and friends? I have no way of knowing the reasons why but I can advance some ideas:

1. It is very common for someone who was abused or who witnessed abuse in the family during childhood to get into an abusive relationship during adulthood. It seems we repeat the process. You need to bring the repetition to a stop so that this never happens to you again.

2. Depression, anxiety and low self esteem can also be contributors to why and how a person allows their self to be abused. If you do not believe in your worth as a person you may then think you do not deserve any better than to be abused. For some people with low self esteem there is even the belief that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship. These thoughts are never accurate, never true.

How to get your life back again:

First, if this person does attempt to return to your life you must call the police and put a final stop to his bothering you. You can take out a restraining order against him, report him to the phone company if he calls you and take him to court if he ever gets near enough to hit you or threaten you.

Second, there are support groups for women who have been are being abused and you can find them through an Internet search.

I also suggest you read all the material on our web site about abuse so that you can learn about it.

Third, we have an Online Support community that you can join and discuss the problems you have had and get advice and support from others.

Fourth, I want to strongly urge you to get your self into psychotherapy so that you can learn how to build your self confidence and not allow this type of thing to happen to you again.

Stop giving in to this man. No longer allow him to interfere in your life. Remember the old song by Helen Reddy, "I am woman, I am invincible…"

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • kinda sad

    I too have been involved in an abusive relationship although not physically to the same extent. I think there are patterns that meet a comfort zone we learned growing up. I do not recall any sexual or physical abuse growing up but, emotional abuse from my mother. My father was absent a great deal. I've had 3 major relationships that I define as verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive. 2 of which were on the edge of physical with 1 pushing me down from uncontrolled rage and the other slapping me on the leg from insane jealousy. These 2 also had drug or alcohol issues. All 3 were /are cheaters. All 3 could be described as very nice guys. I am currently in the 3rd relationship for 2 years. I can tell you that at 44 I've never been in a relationship that made me feel actually secure. Sure, there were times of bliss and happiness and security. I think I projected that onto the relationship b/c that was what I needed. The relationships never matched the picture that I had in my head of a loving relationship. I was married to one for 15 years. Sad to say that I've never had an authentic relationship where that picture was true and honestly reciprocatated. What I have had is an attraction to men, for whatever reason, feel powerful from taking from me by devaluing me in various ways. They are all intelligent, successful, charming and takers. To the extent that any were realistically capable of loving, they loved me. The common thread here is Me....staying, waiting, hoping for more from someone who cannot commit. Trying to leave is so hard and current and last have/had stalker qualities. It is confusing b/c they don't want you to leave and will move heaven and earth to keep you from it yet, they are abusive to you when you volunteer to stay? It has been terribly hurtful and I am picking up lots of baggage as a result. A real head game. Yet, the problem is not them. It is me. Do I have the problem in commiting? Am I terribly insecure? Do I settle b/c I don't want to be lonely? I don't know but, I really want to so that....I CAN CHANGE.

  • Anonymous-1

    It is so hard to leave because you don't want to be alone or you may feel sorry for these jerks. It doesn't stop maybe for a little while but the abuser starts up again.

    The scars remaine for a long time and the abuser doesn't believe he is abusive. I know I'm married to one.

  • Anonymous-2

    I finally have decided to leave my abuser. This person would put me down every opportunity, yell at me, tell me nobody would put up with my "attitude", bring up stories about my past that I shared with him and use them against me. Once he chocked me and punched me on the side of my head (he denies it and says, I hit his hand with my head). Today, I had movers come and take away my belongings far, far away (200 miles). I have accommodations set up where I'm going. I'm out of here in 4 days. He asked me to give him the address for where I'm going, so that he can "visit". I said NO. He's asked me when my flight is, I lied and said, "i'm flying stand by."I'm a bit scared because, he's acting like he's fine with my leaving him. At the same time, I can't wait to rediscover the person I lost. I want to be the happy person I used to be.

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