I’m 17 years old and I feel like I’ going crazy! I have a good life, a good family, I haven’t experienced loss and have never been abused, yet, I’m always sad and angry. I tell myself what I feel is stupid and not real and I’m not supposed to feel miserable, I’m not supposed to feel this way!
I have anxiety and panic attacks and I cut myself. I don’t even mean to. It’s like I don’t think, i just do it! It makes me feel better and I love to watch the blood and I love the scars it gives me. My mind feels all jumbled up and it’s hard to remember things sometimes.
I’ve had many suicidal thoughts or just the feeling of wanting to disappear so badly it angers me that I can’t. I think I’m worthless and no good. I feel I deserve the pain I feel.
I don’t cry much because sometimes, even though I want to, I can’t. The tears just don’t come and that angers me. I have anger issues. I get mad over everything and when I’m mad I want to hurt people mentally and physically. I know that’s bad so I cry to let out the anger and when I can’t cry I go crazy and have an attack.
I always have dark thoughts and dreams. I’m also bisexual. I’m always exhausted. I hate people. I’m not sexually active. I’ve cheated my whole life in school. I don’t drink or do drugs (I have but i stopped).
I’m home schooled. I have only two friends. A lot of the time I don’t know whats real or not. I feel like bad things have happened to me but I know they haven’t. I’m pretty careless. I have trust issues. I’m constantly paranoid and feel that everyone’s out to get me and that they want to do me harm. I’ve thought about killing things, I picture hurting it and the blood running down its perfect body….
I think that pretty much summons it up.
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While you give all the reasons why you should not feel upset, it just does not work that way. People become agitated, anxious and depressed for many reasons. Some of those reasons might have to do with chemical imbalances in the brain, problems at home and in school and pressures and stresses that people sometimes overlook in trying to understand what is happening to them. From what you have written, there are several things that are bothering you.
For example, you mention in passing that you are bisexual or that you believe that you are. For a seventeen year old that can be a very stressful and anxiety provoking thing to think about. My tendency is to think that you are still to young to really know whether or not this is true. Adolescence is a time when people experience many and confusing sexual feelings and sexual fantasies. Those do not mean that you have a particular orientation at this time. This may sort itself all out when you have more maturity and experience.
What is also concerning is the self cutting that you are doing as well as the suicidal and angry feelings you experience. People self cut because they get relief from feelings of anger, frustration and depression. Of course, they, just like you, get temporary relief from this only to have the urge return once the bad feelings build up again. Then, to, people can get addicted to doing this because of the initial feelings of pleasure that are experienced. While you say that you enjoy the blood and scars, most people feel ashamed and embrassed soon after self cutting and that is why they try to hide it from parents and friends.
All things considered, I believe it’s important and vital that you talk to an expert in these things. Perhaps, through school, you could be referred to a psychologist or social worker that you could speak to. You are not alone with these problems. Teenagers all across the country have the same problems which is why self cutting is at epidemic proportions among teenagers.
These are problems you cannot solve on your own. You definitely need help with your problems.
Either speak to your parents, guidance counselor at school or the religious leader in your community or even your medical doctor so that you can get help.
Best of Luck