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Relationship

Question:

Dr Schwartz, I’m writing with this question to see if you can offer some guidance or awareness for me. I was in a relationship with this guy, who eventually chose a long term partner (who lived in a different country) over me. His long term partner moved to the UK to live & study and 6 months on from his decision, he has confided in me that he has made the wrong choice. However, he feels that he cannot leave his long term partner, who moved to the UK, studied, now does not have a job, that he cannot abandon her. He claims he is in love with me, but his protective feelings for his partner means he suppresses his own desires. He has been with his partner for 10 years. However, 5 of those years they have been separated when he’s lived in a different country. He now is drinking and having depressive thoughts, as he feels he cannot escape the situation and turmoil he is in. He has slowly been isolating himself socially and is desperate for us not to stop email contact. This is even though he has promised his partner that he has stopped contact with me. He hints that he feels he could becoming schizophrenic. The loss of his father, when he was 11yrs old, still seems to haunt him. However, he will not be drawn on the subject and hints he would only talk to a psychologist. I suppose my question is a selfish one. This is one of the things he keeps saying, “that however long it takes, he’ll try & make it back to me to have a future together.” Given the above, do you think he is living in a fantasy world, when he talks about us, or could it really be a reality and he genuinely is working towards this.

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Answer:

It seems to me that you are asking the wrong type of question. It makes no sense to speculate about him, his intentions and his thinking. Rather than speculating about him, you need to ask your self if you want to risk waiting around for him. I use the word risk because there is nothing in what you have described of his comments and behaviors that indicate any intent to be with you. The very fact that he lies to his current lover indicates that he is not trustworthy. So, aren’t I engaging in guess work about him?

I would answer NO to that question because I am commenting about your description of his actions and not what is in his mind.

By his actions, he does not tell the truth, seems to dramatize (I’m becoming schizophrenic, I’m drinking) and has other girl friends when he is away from his long term lover.

So, what do you want? How do you feel about the ways in which he had behaved so far and has treated you thus far? I will venture to say that, If I were in your shoes, I would not wait around or even give him a second thought. However, that is just MY thinking and everyone is different. It is difference that “makes the world go around,” isn’t it?

In the end, you must decide upon what you want to do. No one else can have an answer for you, only for themselves.

Best of Luck

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