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Should I Be Worried?

Question:

Hi.

I am a married man. I have this obsession with male office “players.” What I mean is, men that try to sleep with every woman in the office and succeed at doing it. I guess they have always caused me high anxiety until a few years ago. I was dating a woman before I got married who turned out to be using me because she was in love with another man. Since then, I’ve learned how to spot this type of man. The typical signs are that they ask every woman out. It doesn’t matter if the women are short, tall, old, young, thin, heavy, married or unmarried.

I guess what is disturbing to me is that it seems like it works for these men. Its as if they have some secret ability to press women’s buttons. Some people, especially men, would just tell me I’m jealous. Maybe that I am because I wish I could do the same thing. There were times before I was married that I wished that I had this ability. But, When I think it through, especially since I have a good married life, I know that it’s not jealousy. For example, I’ve noticed that most of these men have no stable life. Most of them are divorced or never married and have to make child support payments. I’ve seen and heard things about some of them involving abortions and diseases. Any potential jealousy I could have ends there. I know I can think it out and see the negative consequences and they can’t.

I guess my problem is that, if they are so successful at it, could my wife fall for this? She works at an office with plenty of males. I’ve never had jealousy issues with her. After observing these types of men for so many years, I guess I’ve come to believe that no woman is immune and that we’re all just a bunch of animals who can be manipulated if the other person knows how.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about it and ignore the behavior of these men. But, just when I’m almost there, another one shows up in the office or in a class I’m taking and I start thinking about it again.

What do you think?

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Answer:


When two people meet, are serious about one another and opt to live together in a committed relationship or to get married, they are taking a risk. Because they are revealing everything about themselves to their partner, in ways they would not do in any other relationship, they are betting that their partner will value, protect and trust each other with their secrets and intimacies. All of that translates into the fact that no third person will be allowed to threaten the relationship regardless of how appealing, wealthy and sexy that person is. You seem to doubt that, because of what you see others doing, your wife will might permit another man to intrude into your marriage.

What motivates your doubt is something about which I can only make guesses. For example, you may have low self esteem resulting in self thoughts that no woman could really love you. Perhaps you grew up in a family where one or both of your parents cheated and divorced. Maybe you are very jealous and have trust issues. Another possibility is that you do envy the types of men you are discussing and wish you could have sexual adventures. Maybe you worry that you are not satisfying your wife so that you fear that she wants to look elsewhere. Let me reiterate that these are only guesses and are not to be taken as facts. In addition, there could be other possibilities.

Your email implies that human beings are simply “animals” and want nothing more than to satisfy lust. In actuality, while this may be true of a few men and women, what the over-whelming majority of adult want is to be in a satisfying relationship where they feel loved, safe secure and, yes, sexually satisfied.

It’s important that you stop worrying, stop thinking about the men an women in your or your wife’s office and allow yourself to enjoy your marriage. After all, you describe it as a good marriage. Why not think about the fact that these other people are missing out on what you and your wife have?

Best of Luck


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