Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

What Should I Do?

Question:

I found out that my husband has been chatting via msn with his ex. We’re in Canada, his ex in Brazil. She sent him pictures of herself and he has them in his email account. I accidentally saw them. Should I tell him that I know? Every time I think about it I lose my breath and start shaking. I feel terrible knowing that he’s come home late because he’s on msn with this girl… and we’re only 4 months married. Should I overlook this? should I tell him? what can I do??

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

Given the fact that you are feeling very agitated about discovering your husband’s correspondence with his ex I don’t think it possible for you to overlook this. However, discussing this with him presents you with some challenges.

First, in discussing your husband’s Internet activity you have to admit to looking into his E. Mail. He is probably going to feel angry about this and you have to allow for that. At the same, its important that you not allow him to distract you from your real concern and that is his interaction with the ex from Brazil including pictures.

I think it very important that the two of you talk about any resentments, angers and dissatisfactions you may have with one another. It is only when issues do not get discussed that they can become serious problems as evidenced by one of you seeking attention from someone outside the marriage. Talk to one another and clear the air.

The fact is that you are at the beginning stages of a new marriage and establishing trust is a major issue. In my opinion, you need to address the trust issue with your husband, pointing out that it is very uncomfortable for you to know that he is in touch with his ex. At the same time, and to repeat, you must admit it was wrong of you to go into his E. Mail.

None of this will be easy for you and, if things cannot be resolved for both of you it is possible the marriage has no future. Marriage means boundaries and boundaries mean that old lovers are out of the picture if the marriage is to succeed.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand