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Affection Deficit

Question:

My girlfriend of 20 months who lives 750 miles from me has a very hard time showing affection. I have gone to see her numerous times anywhere from 5 days to 2 wks at a time. During this time she only has kissed me and told me she loves me 2 times. She was the one that kissed me first after we had only seen each other several times. When we met for the first time she hugged me and when I left she hugged me and then it stopped. She is very affectionate when making love which we didn’t do until we met the 2nd time. At times when I am with her it seems like I am not there. This would be easier to understand if we lived together and seen each other on a daily basis. Her son says she is cold and has never shown emotions or affection so it is not just me. I know there are alot of ways of showing love and I understand that she loves me. Please shed some light on this matter.

Thank you

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Answer:

You report that your girlfriend loves you but she does not show affection. Therefore, how do you know that she loves you? An even better question is, how can you love someone who shows you no affection?

I have no way of explaining your girlfriend’s behavior and that is why I ask the second question, why stay with someone who shows no affection? It is an interesting dynamic that there are those who will stay with people who are abusive, rejecting, cold, unaffectionate, criminal, emotionally explosive and addicted to all types of substances. It’s important that you explore your thinking about this girlfriend. In fact, it’s important that you work to understand why you see someone who lives 750 miles away. You can only see her anywhere from fives days to two weeks. That is not an ideal situation for two people who want to get to know one anther because they think they are in love.

One of the painful questions you may need to ask yourself is whether you continue to relate to her because you prefer a distant relationship for some reason. If true, you would not be the only person who felt this way. People want distance for a number of possible reasons. They may fear getting into a real intimate relationship where two individuals become a real couple and get to know one anther. Some people fear that they will not be liked if someone gets to know them. Others fear the loss of their independence if they connect and still others fear being dominated and abused by their partner.

Please note that sex is not necessarily the same as affection. You may be confusing sex with affection because sex feels good. People can and do show affection during sex but just because you are having sex does not mean that your partner is showing real affection.

In addition, there is a difference between sex and love. People confuse the two because they mistakenly believe that their sexual partner is showing love. Yes, sex can be a way of showing love but sex does not mean that real love is present.

All of these and more are questions you need to ask yourself. One more question is: Do you believe you deserve affection and love?

In sum, why do you accept someone with affection deficit?

Good Luck

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