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Am I In Danger?

Question:

My boyfriend gets violent when I get jealous. I had been married for 30 years and my ex mentally abused me so I have low self esteem. My boyfriend knows the story. He is very thoughtful and attentive. My boyfriend did mention women when I first met him and that he wanted to dress me up like a barbie doll in which I hmmm.. put him in his place. We are in our 50’s with baggage of course and trying to work it all out as we do love each other. The problem is that when I get panicky if he looks at a woman too long which he does do….and I bring it up to him…he starts breaking things and hitting me. He apologizes for breaking things but not for hitting me as he said I deserve it. I have broken up with him telling him I feel unsafe with him even though I do love him. He drinks a lot when he is not with me. He doesn’t drink when we are together and he isn’t drinking when he gets violent. Am I right in leaving him? Should i give him more chances? I have had many bruises and have had to stay in the house for days because of it. Is this going to lead to worse danger? I am working on my self esteem but I don understand why he gets soooooooo violent just because i am crying and feel insecure. He knows where it is coming from. He says I don’t trust him and that really gets him angry. I just don’t know. thank you. Jenny

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Answer:

Hello Jenny,

Yes, you are in danger and you know it. You ask a question you already know the anwer to. The question is not “why does he hit me,” but, “why do you repeated get yourself into abusive relationships?” My guess is that you either viewed your parents abusing one another when you were a child, or they abused you or they abused your siblings. You came to confuse abuse with love and affection so that you repeatedly find yourself in the same type of relationship, still believing that abuse is love.

Think about it: you state that you “love” this man who has left bruises on you so that you dare not go outside. I pose a question to you: Why do you love such a man? There is nothing lovable about him. That is something you need to learn.

In addition to psychotherapy I urge you to find and join a self help group for abused women in your geographic area. You can find them via the Internet. There is also our Online Self Help Community. We have a forum for this issue.

That is why I come to my next point: You need to enter psychotherapy in order to break the cycle of abuse that you get yourself into. In fact, I urge you to avoid any further romantic relationships until you are into psychotherapy so that you can avoid another repeat.

Yes, you are in danger with this man. If you take him back you will be in much worse danger. No, you should Never, Ever take him back.

Best of Luck

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