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Am I Wrong?

Question:

I believe my husband has been fooling around with several women in the past. he has always told me I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Well in March I was seeing the same things again and i notice things was changed in the mornings, we own business so i started to put out tape recorders after closing hours. She was on the tapes with some guy, I thought it was my husband but i gave him the benefit of doubt then On one afternoon I had an appointment out of town. So I started the tape before i left. on our private steps and them too got talking and she says you know i love you, and he says he is ready to leave our home town to go with her. Well he again says I’m hearing things, and it isn’t what it sounded as. We went to talk to someone about this and he still says nothing happen between him and anyone else. But I know what i heard on the tapes. Our children are all over 18 now. before i stayed with him because when ever i asked him in the past or caught him he would threaten to take our children and i would never see them again. I take care of one of the business while he has his own business, that we started together years ago. We have been married over 30 years now. We live in his small home village. And when he found out that i taped them talking he told me that, we will ruin the business if i say anything. Well i needed someone to talk to that night of the tape (even after he asked me where i was going, because i have no friends here) i left and when i got back he was gone to our other house that our son was living in. Am i wrong in keeping him from moving back in with me. Some of my costumers think its wrong. the people just don’t know how many times and how he has hurt me. and I’m scared of him and his drinking. Please help me I don’t trust him at all anymore. because of things he has done in the past and the things he has said to me in front of other people. he has also called a women my nickname he gave me back when we was dating in high school. he did this so i could hear him. he has slap employees in the rear in front of me, and says sexy things to other people right in front of me and left them kiss him on the cheek again and again, and when i say anything to him he always says i don’t know how to take a joke. I’m i wrong??

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

You’re wondering if the things you’re doing are wrong, but it seems to me (based on what you’ve written here) that you’re merely standing up for yourself. It’s not in your husband’s interest for you to stand up for yourself, because that will cramp his style so he’s going to tell you that you’re crazy and that there are things wrong with you. But that doesn’t’ mean he is right. If he is truly having affairs, lying to you about them, sexually harassing employees, drinking to excess and in general acting in ways that frighten you, I’d say that he is immature and fairly abusive towards you. I’d say there is a lot wrong with him. It seems to me that you need some support here – to be able to confide in someone who is impartial and trustworthy so that you can do some reality testing independent of the spin your husband will put on things. A therapist, abused (battered) woman’s support group, or similar resource might be able to provide a world of help to you, simply by helping you to think clearly about the difficult situation you’re in.

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