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Another Woman

Question:

My husband of 20 months just informed me he wants a divorce. We have been together for years. I love him but he met his ex girlfriend from 20 years ago and thinks he is still in love with her. I didn’t know they were talking for over a month. He didn’t even talk to me about it. They had talked about running away together. But didn’t.

What I can’t understand is he was only 18 and she 15 when she was his girlfriend. So, how can you be in love with someone who cheated on you and broke up with you and at that age you were to young to realize it?

He is so fascinated in the fact that she searched for him and that she loves him and has left her husband and child so they can be together. He didn’t give me any warning just stopped talking to me and said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. He has blocked me from his Facebook, I guess so I can’t see that they’re chatting.

He has been closing accounts and taking my name off everything and won’t even consider counseling. I am confused as to how you think you can love someone you haven’t seen in 20 years and throw away a family who loves you and cares about you and just walk away like we didn’t exist.

Our marriage had been fine until she found him on Facebook. She seems a little freaky, like a stalker. She checked his credit report, hired a private investigator to find him but couldn’t. Then, he gets on Facebook and, wham, they’re talking.

I have caught him a few lies and can’t make sense of it. Has our marriage been a lie this whole time? He never wanted me to work at all and now he is leaving me and I’m jobless and moneyless and he is taking it all away.

I just wonder, am I being stupid for wanting to stay in this relationship?

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Answer:

You have evey right to feel angry, betrayed, frustrated and confused by the actions of your husband. I believe it’s very significant that this happened twenty months after you are married. Evidently, the two of you were in a stable and intimate relationship for many years prior to marrying. You are rightly asking yourself, “What happened?”

We can only speculate about what caused this painful situation. The point I’m making about the two of you having a stable relationship is that, there are some people who can live intimately without marrying. However, either before going to the altar of soon afterwards, they need to “bail out.” There is something about marriage they cannot tolerate. This is a possibility with your husband.

Another possible explanation, in addition to the marriage issue, is that he is now a middle aged man and may be seeking that one last romance and adventure. In other words, he is chasing a fantasy with roots from his past. What better way to have that one last fling but to return to a lover from your teen years?

All of these are speculations that I’m hoping will bring some clarity to your dilemma.

Regardless of his motivations, it is important that you take care of yourself. From what you write, you are feeling desperate because he is leaving you without money, even going so far as to remove money from your bank accounts.

I strongly urge you to seek the advice of a good divorce attorney. You have rights and it’s necessary that you protect those rights. Divorce law varies from state to state. That is why you need legal guidance. What I mean is that he may not be allowed to take this money. In some states, you are considered to be legally married just by living together for a certain amount of time. If this is true where you live, the bank accounts and other property may be considered joint monies and, therefore, he is not entitled to make withdrawals from the bank. In addition, he may or may not be required to pay you some type of compensation. I am not an attorney. I am just trying to underline how important it is for you to turn to a lawyer for help.

There is nothing worse than feeling helpless and, at the moment, you are feeling very much that way. Helplessness leads directly to depression. The best way to fend off or prevent depression is to take appropriate action.

Protect your rights. By the way, if you do not have money for a lawyer, Legal Aid can provide help and there are private lawyers who work on the contingency that they will not be paid unless they win the case.

Finally, there are support groups made up of women in women in your situation. You can do a Google search for such groups near where you live. Not only do they provide emotional support but you can gain advice and insight from others in the group.

Best of Luck

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