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Anxiety In A Relationship


I am a woman, 30 years old , but I feel like a teenager when I am in a relationship. I am insecure and extremely worried. In any circumstance, like if he doesn’t pick up the phone when I call, or if he gets home a little later than usual, I get extremely worried. My fiancee is really attentive to me. Yet, sometimes I feel that I am destroying his patience by acting like a puppy. Still I can’t control myself. I will add a stupid and unnecessary comment. What should I do to stop me?

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Evidently, you are an insecure woman who experiences a lot of anxiety that your fiancee will abandon you. You are also aware that, by nagging him and where he is and what he is doing, you may be pushing him away.

I want to strongly urge you to enter psychotherapy. Find a good Clinical Psychologist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker so that you can begin to work on why this is happening and how to stop yourself from all the worry.

We know that there are people who have one of various types of attachment disorder. It appears that you may have an "anxious attachment disorder." The root of that would go back to childhood and whatever happened between yourself and your parents right from the beginning of birth. However, I am only speculating because there is no way I can know.

However, it is clear that your anxiety and worry make you feel miserable but you feel helpless to do anything about it. That is why I am urging you to get into psychotherapy. If I am correct then it is really important that you learn to become more secure in a relationship and that you learn to trust the other person.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

  • surprised

    My boyfriend has social anxiety and he is exactly like that and it drives me completely insane but I act really patient about it but i'm starting to crack. If I don't get to my phone in time it's "are you mad" but worse he is always paranoid that I'm going to cheat on him or meet a "better" guy. I love his personality when he isn't insecure and I want to be happy with him but it's very hard. How should I handle this? I wanted him to get help but therapists are $90 for 50min and I think it would take alooooot of time and money. Anything else I can do? Is it normal for social anxiety to have a side where he almost believes something is happening with me and another guy and he obsesses and goes crazy but another part of him knows I wouldn't do that? then after it's over it's like it wasn't even him... he feels guilty...

  • sharon

    I am older and have been in several relationships so I find that I can be one way in some relationships and another way in other relationships. I have also been a counselor.

    I have an active imagination and tend toward not trusting a person. I have not always been this way. I have noticed that men try hard to please me and pretend they are someone they aren't so I will date them and love them. They lie basically. I have tried to forgive them for lying because someone told me this: Women lie with their clothes and men lie with their mouths.

    Back to the jealousy, paranoia, etc.

    Your boyfriend, like me, may feel you are attracted to him for some things that he is but not for who he really is. He may not understand you very well and because of that, he may not trust you. Also because you know he will get upset, you might not always tell him the whole truth. You could be afraid to tell him things for fear of upsetting him.

    If you really do respect and approve of him, then he MAY need more concrete assurance of this. He needs the truth and also for you to tell him what it is you like about him. He may also need more consistency from you.

    If you can't give him the reassurance he may need, he might not be the right guy for you. Everyone needs to feel loved and secure and your natural way may not be the formula needed by someone who seems to need a lot more reassurance that the average person. He could be afraid and this could be also rooted in a previous relationship.


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