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Beautiful Dreamer


Where do I go for absolution for personal anger, hate and depression? How can I face the daily struggle to find meaning in a world that I find amusing, with people that I find irritating, and with places and situations I find boring? I escape the mediocrity of my life with other people’s imaginations and my own. I exist in the moment, yet live in books, movies, and dreams. I have potential without drive, desire or goals. I am eager for affection, company, and love, but I am moody, peevish, and, at times, annoying to those around me. I have never had a relationship with a woman, other than platonic, though my sexual desires are strong. I’m 31 and lonely, above all else. I am 20-25 pounds overweight, though I am not exactly a fat body, just big in the gut. I have no health problems, and am in excellent physical condition, except for the weight. I am unhappy, with myself, my life, and with my unhappiness. I know I have a great many things going for me, that life is not as bitter as it sometimes seems, and I am tired of my own whining. I feel lost, hopeless and alone. Always an outsider watching, waiting, eager for the participants to ask me to join the fun. I think I have felt this way since I was a child. Either above the fray, or simply apart from it. I have gone for help, been put on Zoloft, and it merely made me tired. I know this is just an advice column, and the advice will be to seek help again, but sometimes it just helps to put my thoughts into words. Dreaming of a better me.

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  • Dr. Dombeck responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
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In Cyberspace everyone can hear you scream – but they can’t help you much. Actually, even in real life they couldn’t help you. Only you can help yourself with this sort of problem. However, you seem to be convinced already that help isn’t all that possible. I hope you will reconsider that, as I don’t believe it is true. You are clearly man who feels lonely and depressed – but you are also a man who is acting passively and in a simultaneously avoidant, paralyzed, hopeless and depressed manner. This is a combination that makes for exquisite frustration. It is extremely unlikely that the world is going to come to you. Rather – if you want things to change for the better – you will have to go to the world. Take an inventory of what is getting in your way of connecting with other people. What are you angry about? Are you afraid of other people (what they might think of you?). Do you feel you are above others – that you are entitled to have them come to you? What things are you doing that prevent you from meeting people? Have you substituted pornography for a real connection with a woman? Do you stay in on the weekends? Do you have excuses for why you can’t volunteer your time with a local civic group? You will probably need to question and change these and any other assumptions and habits you may have formed that keep you stuck. It will be easier to do this work with a professional helper or therapist. It is highly likely that this will be painful work and hard to stick with, as it will ask you to look at aspects of your life you state are very painful. But I don’t believe you will see progress until you are willing to start and stick with this sort of work. Get yourself back into therapy with someone who you both trust and who pushes you (just hard enough and not too hard) to do work you don’t really want to do but know deep inside you need to face. Stay there for a while this time.

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