Throughout my life, making friends has been the most difficult thing for me to do. I also believe that what happened in my childhood has caused me to develop a series of dark and eccentric fantasies and fetishes including getting aroused by watching animals urinate on plants and grass, watching animals swallow other animals while still alive, and watching people losing a fist fight, particularly if the person winning the fight is muscular and wearing a tanktop and long pants. I even get aroused by seeing other people in tank tops long pants and when I dress similiarly I get aroused as I watch myself flex my muscles and imagine getting into a fist fight and pounding someone’s face. I also seem to be a bit more clumsy than the average person and have been known to make repetitive hand movements. I seem to have great difficulty recipricating emotion.
Another one of my pitfalls is the inability to start and maintain a conversation unless it is something I am interested in, but even then, I start to get anxious. I have a deep desire to form friendships and to one day get into a relationship. I am 35 years old and have never even had my first kiss. I constantly feel people are always watching me and talking bad behind my back. I feel that others, especially girls, think I’m a loser and look really ugly (big nose, crooked teeth, and indented jaw).
I contantly feel I’m not good enough for anyone. I seem to have severe inferiority complex as I see myself as a piece of dirt to many people my age and even years younger than I am. I see the success that people in their teens have compared to me, and this makes me feel like I’m better off dead.
I constantly have fantasies of watching myself get into a serious ski, inline skate, or sporting accident. I also have visions of me dying and having no one know it ever happened. I constantly feel that in order for me to belong, I will have to do amazing feats. Growing up, I was constantly teased for being severely under weight, the way I talked, and for constant hand flapping movements and licking the pages of books. For years, I was afraid to ever expose any of my skin because I was very skinny.
My aunt who was my primary caretaker left me at the age of three and supposedly that is when my mom said I suffered some trauma, as I started having temper tantrums, did not eat, developed illnesses of the digestive tract including constant constipation.
My mom and step dad often left me for days or weeks at a time with baby sitters. My parents also were not very good at feeding me, as I was severely malnourished as a child.
I am worried that my frustrations in not being able to make friends and find love in this world will make me act out on my fantasies in public. Everyday I seem to be getting more angry and having angry thoughts along with severe depression and anxiety. I have taken a bunch of online tests and done a lot of research and it seems like I am one messed up person. I am fearful of living the rest of my life alone. Is there hope for someone like me? I feel like I am the true definition of a loser and I’m growing tired of always being alone and feeling rejected.
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You were not born to lose. No one is. I doubt that anyone planned to nurture in a way that you would feel like a loser. However, judging from your very poignant story, it is my opinion that you suffered both trauma and neglect as a child.
The childhood trauma came from several sources, the first of which is that you lossed your biological father. Somehow, he was not in the picture at all or for very long. In addition, you were in the custody of your aunt, for some reason, and she either had to give you up and chose to do so. Your mother and step dad acted in ways that made you feel unwanted and rejected. Is it any surprise that you have terrible thoughts of not being wanted by anyone?
Educated guess wise, I suspect your fantasies about tough guys winning fights, feeling aroused by people in tank tops and enjoying animals swallowing other animals, is all connecte to losing you natural father at an early age and, despite your step father, not having a positive male role model in your early life.
While some type of phsyical trauma or accident at an early age might have caused some neurolgical damage with the result that your hands wave, you would need a complete neurlogical exam to determine if your emotional symptoms are caused by this.
I suspect, based on what you wrote, that you are a guy who is very depressed and suffers from extremely low self esteem. Your fears that women are thinking awful things about you are nothing more than your thoughts about yourself and are not realistic.
Because of your history, including being teased and tortured in school, you avoid social situations resulting in your feeling very isolated and angry.
What I want to stronly suggest you do is:
1. Get a complete physical exam to rule out any neurological or other type of damage.
2. Get a referral to a good Psychiatrist to have yourself further assessed for diagnosis and medication. For all I know, you might suffer from a Bipolar Disorder. I do not know.
3. Have the psychiatrist refer you to a good psychotherapist and begin the process of talking and getting psycholgical help.
It seems to me that you have nothing to lose by doing these things. In fact, the only things you could lose are your depression and self hatred. You could also lose your isolation with the result that you meet the right woman for you.
I want to wish you the very best of luck. You have had very hard time and you deserve to have the chance for achieving some self fulfillment in your life.