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Boyfriend

Question:

I have have a reccurring problem with my boyfriend (whom I live with). When he  has issues and problems with me, he goes and rants to his friends online. The only way I find this out is going through his IM logs. I know that it isn’t the best thing for me to do but it is the only way I can find out what is going on with him.

He has combat PTSD and has memory problems so when he *rants* to people he will leave out things or misconstrue things and it makes me look like I am absolutely insane. That is not the case. I have asked him to bring problems to me and not to other people multiple times. Most of the time it is a simple solution or he misunderstood something or assumed. It all just makes me look like an ass to his friends.

At the beginning of our relationship I would have problems opening up to him because I was abused in the past and am always scared about voicing problems. He would constantly complained about that. I changed so that we could have healthy communication but it seems I wasn’t the one with the problem now. I am so afraid that he is going to stuff all his problems and eventually hate me because nothing gets resolved because he just tells other people about it. I am not sure what to do about all this.

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Answer:

You are in a very complicated situation with your boyfriend due to his PTSD and memory problems. I have the thought that his condition is more than PTSD and includes a closed brain injury and that is what causes his memory problems.

I hope that he is getting help for his condition. Psychotherapy and medication are important for PTSD.

Leaving all of that aside, there seems to be a lack of trust between the two of you. He posts his complaints about you to his friends instead of to you. You do something equally secretive by reading his Instant Messages. For some reason, neither of you are talking to one another. In addition, this lack of communication is causing you to worry about what your friends think of you. In actuality, all that should really matter is what you think of one another.

By the way, its as though the two of you are having a lover’s quarrel but over the Internet and through friends instead of between the two of you.

The two of you need to “come clean with one another and fess up to your mutual dishonesty. Then, you need to commit to discussing issues with one another.

If you cannot, going for relationship therapy could be very helpful.

Best of Luck

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