Need help breaking free from addiction?
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Who Answers?

Broken Trust


I have told my gay partner, how important honesty is to me. I at times become overly enraged, when I find out he lied. Recently, I thought maybe he had a affair with his ex. He came closer to me and in a sincere voice told me no. I replied, I would rather know now than find out later. Once more he said no. I thought maybe I was just jealous and left it at that. Shortly after I find out that he did have sex with him in our bed. I was hurt about the affair but the lying to me while sounding sincere, has almost put me over the edge. I believe what hurt the most was the fact that he knows without a doubt, in my opinion, honesty is the foundation to a relationship. I want this relationship to work. I just draw a blank, try to find away to trust him again. What’s your opinion.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
  • ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

I don’t blame you for not trusting this guy. He has lied to you in a very direct way that leaves no room for ambiguities. It is not at all odd that you would have difficulty trusting him to be true to you in the future. Trust is a fragile thing that is built up based on experience. Your trust in him has been damaged by a bad experience. Only new good experiences that help you to know he will be trustworthy in the future will be able to repair this damage. Get clear on just how much disrespect you are willing to tolerate. It is fine for you to get upset and to complain about your man’s infidelity, but the bottom line is that if you don’t make crystal clear to him that you won’t tolerate infidelity (and will leave him if it occurs again), your silence might just be a sign to him that he can do it again. You have to be willing to walk away from things you care about sometimes to preserve your self-respect. Once you know where your line is, you will be in a good position to discuss with him what happened (his perspective on why he lied to you, your perspective on how hurt you have been and some discussion of where your line is for walking away). I think you’ll need to see him treat you differently and with more respect for a while before you’ll trust him again.

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists


Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 Who Answers? 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.


Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand