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Can It Work?

Question:

I have been married for six years to a man I love very much (he is a great person), and in that time I had one long term affair, and two one night stands with male friends. Prior to me starting the affairs, he behaved badly and made me feel discounted in our relationship, which made me want to distance myself. We have discussed getting back together after 8 months of separation, and we outlined all our previous problems and what led to the failure of our relationship. We even discussed the fact that our difficulties made me lose interest in him sexually. My only problem is whether I should get back together with him. He is my best friend, and he said he is willing to work through our communication problems and my sexual distancing. My only questions are??? can it work??? have others solved problems like this and have had happy marriages??? and should we try? I am prepared to work because we have an amazing rapport (despite our problems)But I guess I want to work for something that is achievable.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

It can indeed work. It is achievable. Others have solved problems exactly like the one you and your husband face. The trick is, you both have to learn from what went wrong, and mutually agree to go forward. From the look of it, your mutual problems are rooted in bad behavior on both of your parts. I’m all for not allowing yourself to be abused, or taken advantage of, but having multiple affairs is an immature response to the situation (Get a divorce first if you want to fool around). You, yourself will have to grow up. Likewise, whatever your husband was doing in the way of treating you badly will have to be understood by both of you, and plans will have to be put into place for managing whatever it was so that it doesn’t repeat. You both will have to forgive each other your warts, learn from what went wrong, and move on.

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