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Can This Ever Change??

Question:

I live with my boyfriend of five years and believe that he has a personality disorder. Mainly, I think that he is narcissist. He has anger outbursts when he feels threatened, but they happen infrequently. He does not want to get married, he does not want to sleep with me at night. He’s cold and distant. He’s not trusting of me, when he has no reason to feel that way. He is not physically abusive, but is verbally abusive.

My boyfriend can be very charming,…..he’s able to charm a cop out of a speeding ticket…he’s a master at this!

Most of the time, he’s happy and things aren’t bad. He doesn’t put me down, rarely anyway, and is able to compliment me.

He’ll make plans, major plans, to do something by himself and never consult me on it at all, like I don’t exist. He never tells me anything going on in his family, like if a close family member was in the hospital,…..never discusses these things because, “hey, who am I?” I’m not even family, right?

My feelings on things do not exist for him and should not exist. He doesn’t want to hear about my feelings  and will shut me out or become angry.

He appears so normal in so many ways sometimes, yet, one anger outburst was so bad that I had to call the cops.

He says he loves me one minute and then the next is able to tell me that we should split up. He always says that I never listen to him or do what he says I should do. When he brings groceries in the house, I am expected to drop everything to put them away. I am expected to take his mom grocery shopping is because its MY job according to him.

I feel like when I voice negative feelings on things that he doesn’t want to hear, that I become the enemy and when someone does something he doesn’t like, he feels the need to punish them, or get even.

I definitely feel as if he has the emotional maturity of a child, with is little temper fits, and he’s very sensitive when someone says something is ever his fault.

He has agreed to go to counseling, and I am going as well because I need to know what exactly this is that I am dealing with and if I can deal with it and stay here and what the chances are of him ever being able to “see” the things that I see, and feel the things that I feel. I appreciate you advice.

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Answer:

My advice and my opinion is that you get out of this relationship Now, and as fast as it takes to pack your bags and go.

Its incredible that you say, “most of the time things aren’t bad,” when in actuality, things are awful and even nightmarish. As happens with so many abused women, you deny being abused and even defend the abuser despite and enless list of his abusiveness. The idea is for these women and for you to wake up to the reality of what is happening. Many women do awaken and leave. However, there are some who never seem to see the reality of things and stay until they are physically injured or murdered.

This man gives you absolutely nothing. He denies you sex or he will not sleep with you or whatever you mean by that. He denies you marriage,(and I have no idea why you would want to marry him) and trust. You describe him as cold and distant. He makes you feel like you do not exist and becomes verbally abusive to you. He excludes you from his plans. You actually state that “He doesn’t put you down…well rarely anyway.”

You report that he has angry out bursts and on one occasion, an outburst was so bad that you had to call the police.

You need to understand that verbal abusive is a prelude to physical abuse. I doubt that you called the police only because he was yelling bad things at you. He either hit you or feared that he would. In other words, you felt threatened.

Despite all of this and more, you will go to counseling with him??? Why?

Do I believe things can change? I believe things will get much worse with physical abuse. In my opinion, you are in danger with him. No, I do not things will change for the better. I believe you need to leave him, immediately, as I said above, and find someone who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

Its up to you, of course, but I hope you save yourself from any more punishment.

Best of Luck 

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