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Can We Make This Work

Question:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years. He recently told me that he “love’s me but isn’t in love with me.” He says he misses the spark that we once had and that we are now more best friends then lovers. We have fallen into a routine in our relationship. I have to agree, we hardly ever have sex anymore. I love him, can I, we fix this? Can we bring back the spark?

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Answer:

Intimate relationships require lots of care and nurturing. Unfortunately, people sometimes forget this and begin taking things for granted. When a couple becomes complacent with one another that lack of attention can show itself in the sexual department. After four or five years of being together many people find that sex becomes routine. Just as you state the problem, the “spark” seems to disappear. As a result, the frequency of sex falls off.

 However, there are other problems that impact the intimate and physical parts of a relationship. Conflicts that remain unresolved, differences of opinions along with simmering resentment over everything from money to dinner and breakfast and more, builds up in feelings of frustration. Money issues and how they are handled can fuel a lot of resentment anger. Feeling not listened, neglected, disregarded all add fuel to the “fire” even as the sexual fire dies down. The combination of frustrated anger and decreasing sexuality, cause both people to feel more and more isolated, distant and alone.

These types of problems can be overcome if the relationship is important to both and there is a wish to work on closing the gap between both parties. You and your boyfriend need to have a real talk during which complaints, disappointments and disagreements are aired. In doing this it is necessary to listen to one another without becoming defensive. It’s important to hear one another out by not interrupting. It’s important for each of you to show empathy for the other.

Part of that discussion needs to focus on your sexual relations. For example, is your partner doing all the things you want? Is your partner willing to experiment (oral sex, different positions, etc.)? In what areas of your sexual lives together do you feel disappointed? Do each of you sometimes want a longer time on foreplay? Does either one of you want to finish faster than the other? Do you want to say “dirty things” to each other?

In addition to sex, is there enough romance in your lives together? Do you want to go out to dinner more often? Do you want to go to baseball games together? Do you remember each other’s birthday? Do you do little romantic and funny things for each other? I hope you understand the message I’m trying to convey.

Relationships take hard work. These questions and more are important. Yes, your relationship can work if you are both motivated. However, neither of you can do it alone. You need to work together. 

Best of Luck

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