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Commitment Issues

Question:

I am having a relationship with a divorced person for the past two years. We are very happy and he treats me well. However, I seem to talk and have contact with other men who have an interest in me. My boyfriend caught me twice and he has had the generous heart to forgive me. Now I feel guilty and hopeless about this relationhip. My parents are highly against this relationship but yet we continued and yet we have no hope.

I personally find what I’m doing to be very unethical and I have tried so many times to stop. Yet I am prone to it all the time.

Please advise me on whether this is a disorder and if so I can seek help. I’m in love with him so much and don’t want to hurt him in any way whatsoever.. Please advise and help. Thank you.

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Answer:

It may be that going to therapy is a good idea for you because I suspect you need to clarify for yourself how you really feel about your boyfriend. You may love him as a person and you could be confusing loving someone with being in love with them.

In addition, it is possible that you harbor some doubts about him based on the fact that he is divorced. In fact, I would not be surprised if that is what your parents object to. It’s not that there is anything wrong with being a divorced person. Today, with a 50% rate of divorce, it can be difficult to find a partner who has not been married unless you are very young. If you have doubts about him because of the divorce, it is possible that you worry whether or not he is a reliable partner. Of course, that all depends on the reason for his divorce.

Also, relationships are complicated. For example, if you are not satisfied with him as a lover it may cause you to look at other men. You state that you do not want to hurt his feelings but staying with someone about whom you have dissatisfactions can be more hurtful than anything else. It is also possible that you find other things about how he relates unsatisfactory and you have difficulty admitting it to yourself.

Anyway, it would be helpful to you to enter therapy and uncover what you do or do not want. However, there is another way and that is to take your looking at other men as a symptom of the fact that there are many things about him you do not like and move on to someone else. It’s up to you. It’s not a matter of ethics. It’s a matter of what you really want in a man.

Best of Luck

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