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Depressed And Not Dating

Question:

I will be 26 in 8 days and I have not had a boyfriend or a date in 5 and a half years. It all started when I got involved with another girl 6 years ago. I had feelings for her that I wanted to explore and 8 months into it, I knew that being a lesbian was not who I am. I have been depressed ever since that time. The problem is that I have no idea how to go about meeting men. I am attracted to many, but can not get up the courage to talk to them or pursue anything. I am so afraid of something and I do not know what. I stay at home almost every night and watch TV. I am afraid now that I have let myself slip into a depression that I will never meet someone. I have put on a lot of weight the past 4 years and am afraid that no man would want to be with an overweight girl. I don’t know what to do, but I am so tired of being alone all of the time. Everyone tells me I am so pretty and smart, but no man has even asked me out in over 5 years. The last boy that asked me out was in 10th grade. I was not even asked to my own prom. I would love to get married and have kids someday, but I am so afraid that it will never happen. What can I do and where can I start.

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Answer:

Your lesbian experimentation probably has less to do with your dry spell than does your depression and passivity. The first thing I think you should pursue is to get some help for your depression. Depression is treatable , and the symptoms of depression may be exasurbating some shyness and low self-esteem you might have. If you can shake some of the depression you might find you have energy to get yourself thinking differently. Though medicine might be a valuable part of depression treatment, I’ll suggest that you might also want to pursue some therapy, as there is no chance that medicine will help you to have a breakthrough dealing with your interpersonal anxiety. Dating slumps are generally marketing problems. You’ve got a great product you want to sell (yourself!), and you have to design a campaign to get the word out properly. That you’re overweight is less of a problem than you might think, so long as you’re not grossly overweight. Lots of men like chunky women (I should know -grin!). Advertise your availability by pursuing social opportunities and by using the Internet. Women who get asked out by men are women who are out in the community where they have a chance to interact with men. Most any sort of community involvement might do the trick (Church, gym, school, service or social club, etc.). The second thing to do is to literally advertise yourself. More and more, all sorts of quality people are looking for dates on the Internet via dating websites like match.com. What’s nice about online dating is that it is clear that all parties there are interested in dating. It’s harder when you meet someone in person and you don’t know if they are interested in dating. You might not find an avalanche of opportunities by doing these things, but you’ll with all likelihood find more than a few. Generally, interested men will approach you for a date if they know you are receptive to that possibility. However, if you find a man you are interested in who doesn’t respond to you, you really ought to consider either asking him out yourself, or (if you think that is too bold), dropping hints or online ‘winks’ to let him know of your interest. You have to take some risks here, and it can be painful to be rejected, but it really is not the end of the world if you are, and if someone does reject you, you don’t want to be with them anyway. Good luck!

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