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Did I Love My Husband And Still Abuse Him Emotionally

Question:

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p>I was emotionally abused as a child. I met my husband as a teenager and we very much in Love, it was the first time I had felt Love in my life.

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p>Now after almost 30 years together and many problems in our marriage, he truly believes I never Loved Him and in Fact Hated Him. He thinks I am an manipulative person who at age 15 set out to destroy him emotionally and physically. I thought I loved him and somehow did not realize what I was doing. I began to emotionally ignored him and never thanked him for gift he showered on me and would say I do not deserve it. He knew I was abused and when he tried to address issues he backed away because I looked weak.

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p>I know I need help but Please tell me could and would I still love him while abusing him.

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Answer:

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p>We are taught that we should feel unconditional love for our spouses and especially for our children. At best, intimate relationships are ambivalent. What this means is that we alternate between loving, hating, feeling jealous of, feeling proud of, our husbands, wives, children as well as other family members. This ambivalence would have been heightened by the fact that you were a teenager when the two of you met. Therefore, the fact that you may have acted in thoughtless, callous and even abusive ways do not mean that you did not love him. In addition, the fact that you were an abused child made it more likely that you would act abusively in your marriage. Therefore, yes, you could act abusively and still love your husband.

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p>In many ways, the real question is why is he now questioning your love for him?

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p>1. For one thing if you raised children and they are now grown, you have only one another to rely upon. It is a common thing that once the children are grown and out of the house marital problems resurface because husband and wife are no longer distracted by child rearing issues.

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p>2. If you husband is now retired and has lots of leisure time on his hands, he may be spending his time thinking about and brooding over the history of your marriage and all of his past grievances.

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p>3. Ageing brings sadness and depression for many people. If he is depressed it is possible that it is being expressed by his complaints against you.

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p>4. There is a misperception that older people do not have alcohol and drug problems. This is not true and alcoholism and drug abuse increase for many older people. If this is happening to your husband it would serve to make him more intolerant of you.

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p>These are just a few of the issues that might be going on for your husband at this point in your marriage.

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p>Even after thirty years of marriage it is a good idea for the two of you to go for marriage therapy so that these problems could be resolved. Whatever you may or may not have done to your husband during your marriage, he made his own mistakes and contributed to the problems in his own way. Rarely are marital problems the result of one individual alone.

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p>If the two of you have gotten this far together then marriage counseling could help each of you find satisfaction during the remainder of your lives together.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Why would you bring the husband's sadness into the discussion as though there is no justifiable reason for his emotional situation. The admission is that the woman abused the man and questions whether or not love could have been present in her at the same time, not whether there is any justification for knowingly being abusive. What kind of advise is that to give a clean slate for her conscience when its obvious that a mistrust was committed through her violatoin of the conditions of marriage. Dispite the fact that they were very young when they entered into their vous(?) of marriage should in no way excuse such a deplorable display of mistreatment. Sincerely Chris

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