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Differences In Bed

Question:

My wife and I are very different sexually. I have a few fetishes and she is completely vanilla. She doesn’t like anything I like. We were together since a very young age and got married very young. We didn’t really get to figure out who we are before we got married. She pushed to get married early and then pushed for kids. Now, 15 years and two children later, I’m having trouble getting into her identical routine of bland sex.

She always thought it was the way she looked after having two kids, but the truth is I love her just the way she is and I find her very attractive. It’s just the act of doing the same old thing that I can’t stand anymore.

Our sex life has suffered tremendously. We have been seeing a family therapist but the sexual problems go unaddressed for the most part. We have tried endlessly to introduce her to some of the thing I like but it’s very obvious she hates it and is very uncomfortable when doing them. I never force her to do anything she doesn’t like even if she pretends it doesn’t bother her.

So I have kept that part of my sexuality locked away for sometime now. She never brings it up, but it’s killing me. I love my family, but I don’t know how much longer I can live a lie. I want to know if this problem of incompatibility can be resolved or is divorce inevitable.

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Answer:

It is interesting that, while you contemplate divorce, your wife tries to please you albeit by pretending to like the things you enjoy doing. It begs the question, if she is willing to do these things, does she have to like them too? Perhaps that is not fair because everyone wants their partner to be mutually enjoying sexual activity with one another.

Still, you have 15 years of marriage and two children invested in your relationship. In addition, you state that you love the way she looks even if she does not. In fact, she may feel sexually unattractive because of what she believes child bearing has done to her body. She may also have problems because of the way she views her age and motherhood and what she thinks is appropriate for her. If true, these are not realistic fears and doubts but they may plague her anyway.

It is good that the two of you are in marriage therapy. From what you say, the sexual issue is rarely talked about in therapy or, if it is, not to any great extent. Perhaps a marriage therapist who is a certified sex therapist would better be able to help? There are psychologists and licensed social workers who are also certified sex therapist. By sex therapist is meant someone who is trained to help people with just the type of problem you are discussing.

It is true that, after 15 years of marriage, most couples want to add variety to their love making. That is why people find ways to enhance their love making. However, part of that is also enhancing their relationship. Remember, part of relating is sexuality. If there are problems in one department then there are usually problems in the other. Perhaps these sexual problems represent other difficulties the two of you have?

Finally, I am not sure why you do not bring up your sexual wishes with your wife and the therapist? Clearly, your wife does not seem able to start the discussion so, why not you start it? You keep this locked away. Why not unlock it so that these issues have a chance to be resolved?

Best of Luck

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