Let me start off by saying I love animals, and I’m usually very kind. But lately I’ve been having these urges. We just found a kitten, and it kept jumping on my bare leg, meowing. It’s just driving me insane. So I picked it up and slung it, and laughed. It didn’t get hurt, but I wanted it to.
I keep having these really bad, horrible, unnatural thoughts about murder and suicide. And the words, “Kill, you’re a murderer, kill a thousand, you’re a victor, kill them all, and you’re God.” I stay angry, at everyone, even you and I don’t even know you, and I feel pissed off.
My mom recently abandoned me over her drug addict boyfriend, neglecting my autistic brother, and I really just hate the world. And then…I’ll calm down, like my energy ran out, but the thoughts are still there, just not as intense.
So tell me, what’s wrong with me?
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Your Email is very worrisome because you seem to have gone beyond angry thoughts into action. For example, the fact that you slung your kitten and hoped it would be injured, means that you are acting on your angry fantasies and wishes. I realize that you are alarmed about this which is why you have posted your Email. Also, your behavior was very impulsive. Impulsivity is dangerous because it means that there is no thinking before acting. That is why people feel awful after acting impulsively. They regret the consequences of what they have done. You do not want to be in that situation.
It is certainly understandable that you are angry given your mother’s irresponsible actions. To leave you and her autistic son is outrageous and tragic. However, there is nothing to be done about it. You must realize that, by acting upon you angry feelings, you are helping neither yourself nor your brother. Remember, there is a big difference between thinking angry and actually acting on angry feelings, not to mention suicidal thinking.
Because I firmly believe you need help with this I want to strongly urge you to talk to a psychotherapist or to your medical doctor, explain what has been happening, and get help in learning how to control your anger. If you do not have a medical doctor then you can go to the local hospital emergency room and report the situation including your violent feelings and they will get you help.
Beyond the fact that you are very angry and feeling impulsive, it is not clear what is wrong with you. Perhaps you are experiencing Major Depression or even some form of Bipolar Disorder. Just to repeat, whatever it is that is wrong, you need help with it. Please do not delay. You do not want to hurt anyone else and you do not want to hurt yourself.
Best of Luck