I don’t know if this type of question is in relation to these forums/self help pages at all, but I’ve been researching these types of questions a lot in the past 4 months. It has to do with a night out of drinking, I drank a little too much but I remember thinking the next morning that I felt fairly aware of all that happened that night. I had pushed down these thoughts to a point that they only subtly inhabited my mind.
In December, I was only “seeing” my now boyfriend and one night we went out drinking, and I ran into an old friend. Long story short, I did go home with him once the guy I was seeing (that is now my boyfriend) left. I regret it 100% and my boyfriend ended up asking me two days later if anything happened and I told him what did happen. He forgive me and we’re still together.
Now on March 17th, we went out drinking with my friends in my old hometown and we spent from what I remember alot of the night dancing together with older couples and having a good time. The odd time I’d sneak for a smoke but normally he was outside and caught me and scolded me for it. There are certain parts of the night that I don’t necessarily remember clearly so the next day later in the afternoon my mind automatically went to, “oh no what did I do now I can’t remember?” Most of what I could not remember was between the time my one group of friends left and the time that my other friends showed up. I remember running into someone I went out with once and he greeted me and I pretty much said Hi and turned right back to my boyfriend. At that point I was fairly drunk. So It brings me to believe that I wouldn’t have done anything all night if in that moment I knew what to do.
I’ve talked to everyone that I am friends with from that night and a couple of people I’m not that close with whether if I had done anything stupid? They all have said “no” apart from one who doesn’t remember.I even talked to my boyfriend and he says I didn’t do anything wrong.
After that night there was a psychic expo and we went and the psychic didn’t bring up anything, she commented on how we were “nice” couple like she got a nice feeling.
The days went on and I became paranoid and began questioning myself. I was texting my boyfriend about it one night and we were talking about that night and all of a sudden he says, “I feel like you made out with another dude.” I said I had been kind of thinking the same. That created a minor argument where he asked me if I was 100% sure I didn’t do anything and I had to say yes because I have no proof that I did anything. I don’t believe the images I’ve created are memories but more my fears. We talked about it again and he said he didn’t know why he said that because he wasn’t thinking that.
A couple weeks later we talked about it again and he doesn’t believe I did anything wrong. I e-mailed the psychic not long after and she says she didn’t sense that and so I went to another psychic in my area and she says she doesn’t think that I did anything. It’s my past paranoia creeping up on me and that I don’t trust myself because of what happened before. I know I SHOULDN’T drink that much and I’ve been pretty good I think but I’m terrified…pretty much everyone is telling me I’m fine and did anything.
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In your long Email you made one comment that really stands out, I know I SHOULDN’T drink that much and I’ve been pretty good.” There are two reasons why that comment stands out. One is that you most certainly do drink far too much. Second, you only mention it in passing, as though it’s not important. Now, I have no way of knowing if that is important to you or not but it is something you need to be aware of.
Most of your Email centers around things you cannot remember when you have been drinking. That is a serious warning signal that you could be developing an addiction to alcohol. In this case, too much alcohol is marked by not being able to remember the things you did and did not do the previous night.
There is another source of worry about drinking. That has to do with judgement and decision-making. Under the influence of alcohol it is very difficult to think clearly. People forget about possible consequences for what they do. That is the nature of alcohol. Also, people are more impulsive when they have been drinking. What you are writing about is the fact that you are not sure you made the right or wrong decisions. You can’t even decide if they were the right or wrong decisions because you cannot remember.
In my opinion, it is not that you are drinking too much but that you should not be drinking at all. You may be one of those people who cannot have just one drink but must have a second, third, fourth and so on. I know you may believe you can control it, that you can have just one. However, as many others have discovered for themselves, just one is never enough once you have developed the symptoms you are now experiencing.
Finally, it is not only that you may have made bad decisions the night before but that, in the future, you may get yourself into deep trouble because of being so drunk that you lose sight of what may be dangerous.
Please get help to stop drinking.
Best of luck