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Extreme Behavior

Question:

My husband really is, for most of the time, perfect. A wife couldn’t ask for more! He is generally kind, thoughtful, attentive and affectionate.

Yet, when he gets upset or angry with me he is a different person. Then, he’s a monster who rears its ugly head. He will go to extreme measures to hurt me even if I say something petty.

He doesn’t have what I call, “healthy argument.” Instead, he will  react by throwing a hot drink over me or threatening to take away anything that makes me happy. He will never see his behavior as wrong and will never give in.  He will refuse to make up sometimes for weeks.

These petty arguments will turn to extreme behavior. Some I won’t mention because they are scary. These ups and downs have gone on for 7 years, every few months, maybe 6 months if I am lucky.

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Answer:

It continues to both surprise and trouble me to see how many women describe their husbands as, “kind, thoughtful, attentive and affectionate,” just as you do in your E. Mail. In actual fact, your husband is neither kind, thoughtful or affectionate given how he treats you. Frankly, he is both physically and emotionally abusive. The fact that this happens only when he becomes angry does not mean much because his behavior endangers your physical and emotional health, not to mention your dignity and self esteem. His unwillingness or inability to show any remorse for his violent acts places you in greater danger. If he feels no guilt or empathy for what he does, he is most likely to become ever more violent. In other words, my guess is that things will get worse unless you act.

What I mean by action is that you must let him know that his behavior is no longer acceptable. Therefore, the next time he loses his temper and becomes threatening, you will leave him. To back that up, I suggest you make plans for where and with whom you can seek shelter. In addition, any further threats or acts of violence on his part should be met with an emergency call to the police department.

There are too many tragic cases where, when women continue to allow themselves to be abused, they end up being battered and even dead. Do not become one of those statistics.

I am taking a “hard line” with you because I fear that, the next time he becomes enraged, you could suffer the kinds of dreadful consequences mentioned above.

When you let him know that this will no longer allow yourself to be a battering ram, remain firm and do not waver or forgive. Protect yourself, your health and your well being.

Good Luck

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Dear Dr. Schwartz

    I find your advice enlightening and to be honest you are the only one who has understood the truth of the problem here#: Which is that my husband is fundamentally not good.

    I want to thank you for your advice and moreso your insight and understanding: you have hit the nail on the head so to speak and actually made me trust my instinct. Many Sincere Thanks

  • bella

    My husband is the same, of course when normal he is kind and loving, but when he is in his ''episodes'' he cannot have a healthy argument or discussion. (cant give an educated or adult answer) Always blames me.

    He knows that he makes me depressed and scared (based on his acts afterwards). And after telling him something for 10-15 times he will finally understands it but will just act like I was wrong before and he solved the problem. After 2 years trying to show/tell him his behavior is wrong I put my foot down. I left 2 months ago. Maybe soon he will get help, but it might be too late for us

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