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Father Is Abusing And Controlling My Mother

Question:

I hope you can help me or guide me in the right direction. My mother and father have been married for 32 years. When I was really little I don’t ever remember theses problems accuring but as I got older in 5th or 6th grade I do remember. I’m know 30 years old, married have a 15 mth old and live over a 100 miles away from home. My father has been on mom about her weith for years. He says she promised him before they got married she would never weigh more than 110 lbs. Well my mom isn’t, she has dieted everyday that I can remember and fights losing wieght all the time. My dad has been violent over the years ripping the phone out of the wall numberous times when I try to call for help, throwing cereal bowl at the wall, hitting me, wrestling my mom down, getting a knife out and saying he was going to cut her fat off. He tells her he can’t stand to look at her. Well this is one of many complaints he hate his job, he thinks my mom is a liar and is stealing the money they inherited from his parents when they passed. My mother has a daycare and she took care of my father’s dad before he passed for 8 or 9mths. She did everything, she loved him has he was her own father and he loved he has a daughter. He told her before he passed, you work so hard, when I pass you will not have to work anymore. My dad says she is not allowed to the money. Since the passing of my grandfather in 2003, my dad’s brother will no longer talk to any of our family. My husband I have contacteted him by email, phone, and sending letters & photos of our son. Never a response and my dad says it is because he hates my mom. But what did I do. My dad’s sister still speaks with us, but not to my father. She told me when they talk it is always poor him and not how are you doing. When I was pregnant he told me on Father’s day that he was not coming to see his his grandson if my mom was there because he is embrassed of her. He did end up coming. He has called me names and just recently was my birthday and he said he forget. But he told my mom he didn’t call me becasue I didn’t call him on his b-day. I did call him on his b-day, I was extremely busy all day and him around 7 in the evening and he hung up on me so I called his cell phone and left a voicemail saying happy b-day. When my sister and/or my family go back home to stay he does not come out of his room barley and if he does it is for only a few minutes to get a drink. My mother is like a slave to him she, caters to him all the time and makes up excuses. She has been on diet since April of this year and has lost almost 50lbs. She looks great and he is still complaining about her weight. The reason I’m also wrting is my sister and I, they always involve us and it is very hard on the both of us. Last night my father called my sister and acted liek nothing was wrong, she then called him back after talking to my mother and finding out that he brought up some date my mother went on with some guy before they were married and they were broken up at the time, and was arguing about this and saying he watched her through binoculars and see he sleep with him. My mother has only been with my father and sometimes she says maybe I should have tried another shoe on but that wasn’t me. My father has cheated on my mother when I was little and he told her. My mother has been a faithful and lovign wife. But back to my story last night he fight got heated and my father throw a remote at my mom and he nose started to bleed, he let the air out of her tires and she started to sound the alarm so he quit and came in the house. Then he locked her out and she told him if he didn’t let her in she was going to call the cops, so he let her in. Keep in mind my mom does home daycare and she needed to go get grocery for today and did not have time to cancel on everyone. When she went to the store he timed her and if she wasn’t back by the 15 minutes he was going to lock her out again. My sister, me everyone has told them to leave each other but for some reason they stay together and make everyone miserable along with them. My mom has told my father to leave and he says this is my house and all my stuff you leave. Well her source of income is there and that is her place of work. My father works out of the home and has several paid time off and sick days. So about every week or so it seems he stays home. He is home today and it makes hard on my mom having places for children to sleep. He does not come out of his room and he does not argue when the kids are there. So he does know what right and wrong is. Please help, I just need some advice on what to do or how to handle this. It is very hard on my husband and son too, It effects us all. Oh he has also withdrew all ther money out of there account when my mom came to visit us which she does often to get away from the stress plus to visit her grandson. (My father shows and acts like he loves our son but when we are around he avoids us and he said it is my mom’s fault. He never comes to visit only if it has been the birth, baptism, and birthday.) Then he made her take it back to the bank later. She said she felt like a fool. He also told he lastnight that he would leave today and that he was taking every dime. But he still has not left.

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Answer:

Well, you have spent a lot of energy telling a very long and painful story. Yes, your father is abusing your mother. However, they have been married for three decades and your mother does nothing about the situation.

What can you do?

There is not much you or your sister can do about what is happening between your mother and father with one exception: If you and your sister could meet with your mother far away from her home you could urge her to leave him. Your mother has the right to call the police at 911 and have him arrested for assault. She could get a lawyer and sue him for divorce. However, she has to willing to take these types of steps. Will she do as you and your sister advise? Probably not, because they have been married for more than three decades. However, it would be worth the effort for the two of you to have a private talk with her.

What about you?

It seems fairly clear from your E. Mail that you have not distanced your self from your parents. You may live a hundred miles away but, psychologically, you remain in their household. You even refer to their house as your home. Their house is not your home. You are an adult, a married woman and a mother. In other words, it is important that you lead your life without so much concern about them since they do not listen to reason anyway. For example, if your father hands up on you why call him back? If your father avoids you and your husband why bother with him? Why do you accept his abuse towards you? Why would you want your child to be around such a mean and abusive man?

Frankly, if your father leaves your mother it would be the best thing that ever happened to her. My guess is that he only threatens and will never leave, not unless she calls the police and has him arrested for assault against her.

To summarize, you and your sister should meet privately with your mother and advise her to call the police when he gets violent and/or to leave him and start a life of her own. For that she will need an attorney. If she will not take any steps to help herself then there is nothing you can do. you need to keep far away from your father and protect your self, your husband and baby from him.

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Comments
  • david

    Hi and let me just say that i have been in similiar situations. I'm a 45 year old man and i left home when i was 15 years old because my father was so mentally and physically abusive. I was looking on theese sites here to see if i could get a response to what may be normal and what may not be and i came across this message board. I have a 16 year old son and my father has never made an attempt to see or to speak to his grandson. My mother finally after 30 years showed up on my doorstep to see us about 2 weeks ago. They live in michigan and we live in florida. My question is how abnormal is this behavior from my father? He has never seen my son just to make a point to me and show his maddness toward me because i left home when i did, but i only did that because he was way way way to abusive to me and my mother. I know she still suffers and i dont see her being able to have a proper relationship with my son even if she wants to because of my father. What should i do????

  • Anonymous-1

    It has been the same for me..My dad has been beating and abusing my mom for years...it used to be physical, nowaways, thankfully the beatings have ceased, but mum is under lots of mental trauma...he keeps abusing my uncle and family who lives next door, and his behaviour is getting irrational day by day...

    Till now, me and my sister were helpless..And probably scared too, as we never got the nerve to stand upto dad..We are gettin mum out of there, to another city altogether..and have a final chat with dad, about how wrong he is...Though we three do feel guilty about leaving him alone..as he really can't take care of himself...

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