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Best Way To Deal With Verbal Abuse

Question:

I am a 30 year old married woman with two children. Outwardly I do not have much reason to be unhappy but I do feel depressed, anxious and annoyed most of the times. I feel I cannot give my children a healthy atmosphere like this and that is why I am sharing this with you. My husband is otherwise a nice person but he is rude almost all the time. When he is good to me its like everything is really good but the problem is that he keeps verbally abusing all the time. He constantly tells me I am worthless, good for nothing, calls me names without any reason. He can start just about anytime without even the slightest provocation. He even tries to belittle me in front of the children. He says I have a large ego and that is what keeps him at constantly trying to instill some sense and make me more humble. I have been brought up in a very healthy manner feeling proud of the fact that I am a girl. Though my husband went to a better college and is much better settled professionally, I have also done my masters in engineering and am a hard and sincere worker. He keeps telling me that I am stupid and know nothing. He says I should do everything as he tells me and when I say I have my own mind he says I create problems in everything. He will be extremely rude the whole day and then in the evening he’ll act as if nothing has happened. By that time I am disturbed enough and am not feeling quite alright and then he says now what and calls me mentally unstable. I simply don’t know what to do. Its been almost 10 years since we married. He has driven me almost to madness with his behavior. He says the choicest of rude things and when he is in a better mood he apologizes. Yes he would have apologized and said sorry at least a thousand times until now. But I know everything he says and does is totally meaningless. I do not think I can describe everything here and its difficult to understand my situation from this. I would just like to to tell you that I have tried to just ignore everything and get on with trying to have a normal life…always forgiving and forgetting…bearing with him …going along with however he wants things to be .. laughing when he allows me too and crying when he chooses to pour out all his negativity onto me. But then he feels he can get away with just about any kind of behavior. When I try to confront him and show my anger and tell him that I won’t take this then also things just carry on and on. I just want to ask you whats the best way to deal with verbal abuse? How do you instill the slightest amount of respect in men who feel respecting or trying to understand and care about a woman is unmanly?

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Answer:

On the contrary, I think you have plenty to be unhappy about. Just because the abuse you are suffering is verbal in nature doesn’t mean that it isn’t dangerous. While it is true that it is less acutely dangerous to be verbally abused than to be physically or sexually abused, verbal abuse is still abuse. It wears down your spirit and can make you depressed and feel bad about yourself. Your depression and anxiety symptoms are very likely to be a result and response to the toxic environment you’re in.

<

p> I don’t think there will be any easy way to get your husband to treat you with more respect, but I do have an idea about what might help. It seems you have sometimes taken a passive approach towards his belittling of you (when you have ignored and forgiven him), and you have also taken a fairly aggressive approach to dealing with him too (when you confront him and show your anger). Neither of these approaches has seemed to work. The problem with being passive is that your husband gets to treat you badly without challenge. The problem with being aggressive back towards him is that he is likely to see your anger and get angry himself, causing a fight to occur. There is a third approach, usually called ‘assertiveness’ that maybe you haven’t tried yet. The middle way, assertiveness, is a way to confront the abuse without attacking back yourself.

<

p> There are a few secrets to being assertive rather than aggressive or passive. You’ll want to give up on ignoring your husband’s behavior as this doesn’t work for managing him. Instead, you’ll want to challenge him most every time he says something disrespectful to you. By making a policy to challenge him most every time, you’ll get into a habit of doing so when you are not yet angry at him. Importantly, you don’t want to communicate anger in these challenges. Rather, you want to communicate your hurt feelings. It is vital that you not call him names, hit him, or say nasty or sarcastic things back to him. If you become angry, he will become reactive to that anger and there will be a fight that will go on and on. Instead, talk about yourself and what you are feeling, and remain respectful towards him while doing so. Use “I” statements to communicate these feelings. “I am hurt when you refer to me as an idiot. Please don’t do that”. In essence, to be assertive means to be like Gandhi: to defend yourself and assert your rights but to do so in a non-violent and respectful way.

<

p> Taking an assertive approach might help, but there are other things that might help as well. I’m not sure how available psychotherapy is in India, but if it is available, it might benefit your marriage if you both went to marriage counseling. If counseling is available, but your husband won’t agree to go, well then, it might benefit you as an individual to go. A sympathetic listener who can help guide you through the work of learning to be assertive could be a benefit. If psychotherapy is not available or affordable for you, perhaps you can at least read a book about assertiveness. “Your Perfect Right” is a classic work in this field, and should be available used for an inexpensive price on the Internet.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Well i was just reading this letter...its so true.... my husband is really abusive..i never came online to search about this topic...today we had a fight..its just the same old bullshit he just wants me to agree upon whatever he says... i dont agree with him... but this time he brought our 3 years old daughter in this... and now i was really tensed.... what can we doo i have even thought of suicide but i cant leave my kids on him.... it will be so hard on them.i cant be so selfish not to think about them... he is always comanding....

  • Jenny

    I just went through an abusive relationship myself. It is not worth it to stay. There are ways out and if that means getting financial assistance, going to family or friends, getting a second job.....then do it! When we stay, we teach our children how to have a relationship that is dysfunctional. Do you want your kids to endure this treatment as you are? My ex called me names such as fat, ugly and throw some F words in there with it. He also gave me the silent treatment for days on end and said I was crazy, his worst relationship and left me on more than one occasion. I am pregnant and have a 10 year old boy who I will NOT subject to this treatment. As much as it hurts, you cannot force anyone to change....seek help...in any way you can and get the heck out fast!!!! For the sake of your mental health.....remember this....they say these things to break your spirit, so that you will be weak so they feel strong. They want you to feel low and they want to be in control.............if you allow them to do it, they will...and it will only get worse! Fight back by LEAVING and dont call them names back or yell...just LEAVE!!!!!

  • Anonymous-2

    I don't appreciate that comment about men thinking that they're God. I am a man and I know of men who are the ones being verbally/emotionally aubsed.

  • Abby Watkins

    I'm pregnant and very emotional my husband calls me dumb and sutpid all the time,this is my 4th pregnacy and i lost 3 babies before i'm scared of losing this one...Thanks abby....

  • Anonymous-3

    Im in an abusive relationship too.He says he loves me one day,and the next its a different story. If we fight, its wont just be a fight, he will turn it into something mean and hurtful. He will tell me how im stupid,and how i cant do anything,and how pathetic i am.

    Who is he to say that to me.He then will say to me after wards how sorry he is and how it wont happen again and he knows its wrong, but he repeats himself over and over again.

    I know what to do, but its the hardest to do it.

    He breaks me down and i have "sold my soul" to this type of relationship. I was a great person before i met him and i know i will be afterwards.

    It is hard to leave him, but i know there is someone out there somuch more better for me. that would never dream of talking to me the way he does. the only problem is, to leave this relationship. Becaseu as much as i hurt, i still love him.

    It is hard, and i just cant seem to get myself to do it.

  • Dee

    My name is Dee and have been living with verbal abuse from men pretty much my whole life. I guess I have a sign on my face that reads: Please Abuse Me! I'm so tired of it that today in the car he got mad at me and called me a fing c word and I smacked him in the head and all he said was if you do that again he's gonna call the police, so this is kind of funny because last year in Aug. my son and him got into a fight and I stepped in the middle and I yelled at my husband to stop and he slapped me, well I didnt call the police but my younger son did and police came and arrested him and he had to stay away from me for 3 months, he still verbally abuses me, this is the first time I smacked him in the side of the head and I told him to never call me that again. This tells me that I have had enough. He is the guy who everyone loves and no one really cared that he slapped me and they just dont want to hear it. I'm staying with him because I do love him but there are ways to deal with men like this. Ignore them when they start calling you names and just walk away, go into another room so you can have the peace and quiet you deserve, they are made out to be the fools. I am very independent but financially on ssdi, and dont want to start over so I guess I take the abuse. He knows that he abuses me because we have talked about his moods and how everything is my fault, and even laugh about it because he knows he is wrong. He was doing really good for a good while, but I swear men have pms also, because one day he loves me and the next day I am a fing b word and also a c word and also crazy, oh and today he told me that he wants a divorce because he cant take my crap anymore. But atleast now from last year when I was slapped the whole family found out that what I had been talking about was true, I feel better that they know, I'm not alone anymore. I am just going to do what I do and dont feel like talking to him for awhile just for this and I have my kids and grandkids who make me smile. My husband expects alot of things from me and I get nothing in return from him. So, I do things to make me happy without him. You have to do what you do to make you happy. If he wants to act like a jerk, then let him. He is just a very sad man who has to blame someone else for his own faults. And very insecure and very controlling but I stand up for myself and he does not like it but that's too bad. Well, life goes on and all I have to say is I have to rely on me and only me. I dont trust him when it comes to my life and he keeps things from me and when he gets mad he tells me to leave because when we remarried this was his house, so this is not our house this is his house and he has NO respect for me at all, and now he doesnt even say he's sorry anymore. He needs mental help, because I cant help him anymore, he had a bad childhood but its time to grow up and take responsibilty for his own actions. After smacking him upside the head today, I'm done. I dont even care if I am with him or not, I hit the bottom. He is never going to stop, but he was doing so good for awhile and here we go again. One thing that people dont understand about verbal abuse is that it is worse than physical abuse, because words will be with you forever, the bruses go away but the words dont. I told him that I have to distant myself from him because I am not going to give him what he wants if he continues to treat me this way and I have to think of me, and he's the one who wants a divorce because I am the one who is driving him crazy, OK! He is the one who is sick and please to all the other women in my shoes, its not worth crying over his mean words, it just shows how much of a jerk he is and how immature he is, and you are a good person and the lord knows this, dont let him control you, I let him control me for a long time, not no more, I'm in control of my life even living with him, if he wants to act this way I told him that he's gonna have to find someone else to fight with coz it aint gonna be me and I walk away to another room. Good luck to women like ME.

  • Anonymous-4

    Hello everyone I am SO glad that I came on to the internet tonight and randomly found this site. ! I have been dating a guy for about 5 months now. During that time he has managed to call me an Idiot, a Fu*king Idiot, that I am Stupid, and just 2 nights ago that I was a FOOL! Now to the average outsider these names may sound insignificant, mild, meaningless and the Like. but let me tell Them Something!! theses types of words, when said many times over and directed at making you feel stupid, it hurts more than anthing else in the world. and I Truly mean that. and yes they are very very good at saying SORRY over and over again but NOthing changes And you know what? It WONT! i am going to leave you with an amazing statement that I found at the womens refuge in the country where i am from! here goes.

    NOTHING CHANGES UNTILL THE PAIN OF STAYING is WORSE THAN THE PAIN OF LEAVING. !!!

    It sounds a little bit confusing to digest but there really are only TWO options, isn't there!! Staying and being hurt, or Leaving and beginning to heal. Love U ALL PEACE OUT!

    RACHEL =)

  • pg

    Well , I am going through a very tough phase of life , not knowing what to do . I have 2 kids aged 5 and 2 and i dont want that everyday fights should affect them . My husband has been bought up in a abusive environment and he detests it but practices the same . he thinks that all females are dumb but very well wants the money I earn . I am very depressed and suffering both emotionally and physically. he now calls me mentally unstable and tells me to get treatemnt . He has humiliated me infront of all he relatives repeatedly for no fault of mine . I am just unable to handle this . Just continuing because of kids. he has double standards for everything and i i dont know how to handle it . I have tried to be quite for few years , and now I shout back at him in the same manner but it leads to everyday fights which spoils the atmosphere at home

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    In many ways you as well as many of the others who have posted about their verbally abusive husbands, are describing what is referred to as "co dependence." That is not a term that is clear or easy to explain but, basically, what it is describing is the decision to remain in a marriage or relationship out of the hope that the abused person can change and improve the abusive spouse. This includes the wish to protect the children from divorce.

    The problem is that the abuse goes on unabated and the children are exposed to increasing levels of verbal abuse that can and often turn into physical abuse.

    In my opinion, it is more important to protect your self and your children by ending the relationship or marriage. One option before the final step is to try marriage psychotherapy. However, if he refuses to go or goes and does not change, then it is time to seek separation and divorce, at least, that is my view and my opinion.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-5

    hi everyone.

    i was wondering why don't you leave these verbally abusive men relationships? the women on this site sound really intelligent and independent so why do you stay with men that hurt you so much when you can leave? you are adults you have a choice to stay or leave. if you've told these men that they are hurting you and if they don't chnage you will leave and they still continue their behaviour, why do you stay? i would leave. most adults i know are in a unhappy relationship because of verbal abuse or other things. but still they stay, wasting their life with this person who makes them miserbal most of the time. all this makes me get put of having a relationship and getting married. i dislike how some men act like they are never wrong and belittle othr people and try to control others.but i know some women can be worse. i have never been in a relationship because of over the top strict parents and i'm not sure if i ever will. women/ men who stay in any type of abusive relationship your decision to stay is affecting your children in a negative way and i think less and less people in the future will get married. everyday day i hear about new abusive relationships in the news. basically i haven't heard of a really happy marriage so far that lasts. please if you are in a abusive relationship leave, please i'm begging you. who does it benefit?

  • Aaron

    Let's put things into focus here. He's not the one who needs changing, and he's not the one with the problem. Let's focus on the one thing that CAN be changed here, and the person with the problem. YOU.

    I guess that's kind of the approach Anne took with saying you can change your reactions, but hat's really designed to take care of yourself, not to change him. He might decide to change though once you start taking care of yourself. But don't count on that. Count on getting away from any person who makes you feel this terrible regardless of anything else. Like you said, you have many strengths so I'm sure you could live fin on your own. And if you could NOT live that well, at least you would be happy leaving.

    Why are YOU having this problem? Because YOU are choosing to be around it. No sympathy for you here. TEN YEARS? Come on.

  • mrs s colorado

    this is like reading about my life it will never change my husband is a disabled vet and has always been abusive then he went to see a dr at the va for pst and came out of that even worse now there is nothing i meen nothing his fault Dr said he served his country did his job did what he was told now it is his time and everyone better do as he says or be lower than a worm that meens everyone that is around him he says (he is a man of sound mind and body) lol not

  • maddie

    My husband was so sweet and kind until we married 18 months ago. On our honeymoon he started to scream at me and call me names - He quite often calls me a fxxxg shrew (amongst other things) and frequently tells me to fxxx off whilst banging his fists together and at times bangs his head against a wall. Fights always start over minor things and he flies into a temper tantrum when things do not go his way. Otherwise he is very loving, sensitive and kind - a totally different person. Recently I told him to move out so I am coping better. He is seeing a therapist for anger management but will it make any difference? I tried ignoring his anger and also tried speaking up for myself but it just made things worse. If he is angry now, I just put the phone down so I do not have to listen. I am not sure what I will do next time he explodes when I am in his company. It will happen I am sure. I want things to work but I am frightened to let him back into my life. I am 50 and my first husband was an alcoholic. When not drinking, he was also very loving and kind. Thankfully he has been in recovery for some time now.

    Any suggestions would be helpful.

  • Anonymous-6

    I am just now beginning to see that I am also in a verbally abusive relationship. It isn't easy to realize, especially because for me, my husband does not call me names. He does however, withhold affection, try to make everything my fault, turn everything back on me and make me question whether I should have ever said anything in the first place. My husband nags me all the time, threatens me with divorce when we fight, threatens to fight for custody of the children because he knows they mean more to me than anything. Nothing I do is enough and he is always stressed out about something. We are separated and he is still making everything my fault. I have the kids and he is giving me the biggest guilt trip about taking his kids away from him, but he would never stop arguing in front of them or berating me in front of them. I have worked hard my entire life and am educated and all that, but now I am trying to figure out how I let myself get into this kind of relationship. I truly believe that if you have children it is crucial to get help immediately or remove yourself and them from the relationship because it will effect them and they will learn the behavior. So many women just lie to themselves and say they will just ignore it and make themselves happy. I tried that, but I don't think they realize that there really is no way to ignore it. It sinks in and effects the way you see yourself and how you relate to other people. If you have children, it effects the way you behave with them. Even young children know. My son, when he was 3 used to tell my husband to quit being mean to mommy. I want to create a loving environment for my children, free from abuse, and so I am do whatever I can to make sure they have that. My husband says he knows he's mean to me, but he still tries to blame me for his anger. He hasn't yet really taken responsibility for his actions, which means that he has to understand that regardless of how angry he may get, there is no excuse for the way he treats me and he gets angry about trivial things that I can't control or even anticipate. I am always afraid of doing something wrong and getting into fights with him because I truly do not like to fight with people, especially in front of my children. I am joining a recovery group at my local church and seeking counselling for myself. I want him to do the same, but the fact that he is unwilling is a testament to his attitude about me and our relationship. Anyway, hope this helps someone and thanks for listening.

  • karen

    I have just read some of the comments on the document, I thought I was the only women who constantly has to put up with abuse. People say leave, how can I? Im not willing to leave my house, I own half of it and I have 2 small children. Where would I go, my parents are elderly and I couldnt do it to them. I have asked him to leave, he wont go. To be honest he has nowhere to go, he moved to my country and he has no family. The worst thing is that I actually think that he enjoys abusing me and putting me down. He has nearly cut me off from all my friends, and as I was made redundant recently I have no money of my own. Im stuck and I hate it. I hate the way he treats me and then the next morning, pretends to forget it. I think he has an anger problem, hes contantly moaning, bitching about me, the kids and other people. He can be nice the minute the phone rings or the minute he steps outside the door. Hypocrite thats what he is. He wasnt like it when we married, but it has slowly crept up.

  • stacey

    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and since the beginning he has continually called me names from stupid, skank, a whore, asshole, he says I am an emabarrassment etc.... It drove me to the point that I cheated on him and now its getting worse. When things are good they are good and when they are bad they are bad. He tells me he will always love me but cannever forgive me. I have tried for the past year to show him that I am sorry and want to work things out but I just don't know what to do anymore. I've become paranoid that he's talking to other women yet we still live with each other. I just don't know what to do... Am I crazy for being hopeful?

  • KC

    In a relationship with a man for 2 years. If I were not so strong....I would have folded under his constant humiliation and critisizm. I am jeopardizing peace & love in my home due to my putting up with this mans control issues. He is always right and always trying to prove me wrong. Communication is impossible with this man and every decision or suggestion I make turns into a lecture of why I am wrong. I originally thought he needed anger management but the reality is he is a Control Freak, which was passed on to him by his Control Freak stepfather. I have the tendency to think I can help or change a person....meanwhile setting myself up for more verbal abuse. I know the relationship is unhealthy and very upsetting for my 16 year old daughter who is also subject to his ridicule. I am constantly DEFENDING her. Family will always be first and I will fight to my death to protect my child from this verbal abuse. I have tried to get him to move out...should of never let him move in. I am not a good picker of men. I need a referral to counseling for Control Freaks....in Riverside, CA area. Someone may end up hurt if these issues are not resolved soon.

  • lola

    i just realized that i've been in abusive relationship for years. It hit me hard when my husband called me "fu*** cu**" 2 days ago....why it took me so long? god only knows. I think i just needed to hit the bottom to become aware of something that's been bothering me for years. My husband never said sorry to me.....ever....he just acts like nothing happened or just blames it on my exuberant imagination and tendency to blow things out of proportion.. That always makes me doubt my sanity It's been tough because lately i am not able to function. I isolated myself from all my happy friends cause their happiness makes me shrink inside. It's not envy happy friends cause seeing their happiness makes me shrink inside . It's not envy its just very painful reminder of what i don't have and deserve. I am depressed cause i don't have any family here in this country and basically i am too scare to leave and start my life all over again. Do i have to mention that i dedicated 20 years of my life to this man? Pretty pathetic.All i know is that i need to seek help asap because very soon it's gonna be too late for me. I used to be fun to be around and now all i am according to my husband "fu**ing miserable human being" that makes every person around unhappy.

  • tania

    being part of verbal abuse has just started, am aware of it and i do it too! have 3 small children and sometimes they withness it! sometimes i think that i cant imagine myself living the future like this cause am aware that if it is wrong now then it will be too late then. But what one has around u and the good moments and the perspective that it can change makes me think that i can take it also and that its not that bad! the tought that i have to make my children grow up on a divorced situation make me sad cause i come from a divorced parents! like the others here we did talk about it and somehow we are aware of it! its very rare a man is doing it cause he has a trauma that he does not know...i just ind it confusing and tiring the whole of it ....marriage is not easy

  • bea

    If you're being reduced by abuse just LEAVE and leave now before you're damaged any further.

    I was abused and controlled ny my parents - then abused and controlled by my husband - right from the day we married. I became a housebound Agoraphobic within 4 weeks of marriage. I had CBT for 2 years trying to get well enough to leave and start over (with my 2 babies). I've never recovered enough to get away. 30+ years of my life gone and still stuck here, still being abused.


    Leave the abusive bully NOW - don't waste any more of your life and end up old, unfulfilled and stll being abused - like me.

    Good luck my darling. xxx

  • Anonymous-7

    I was in an abusive relationship for years. I finally ended the marriage because my biggest fear was that our three sons would follow his same poor behavior just as my ex-husband followed his fathers poor behavior. It is hard to leave but I would rather live in the woods versus be with an abusive person. Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth staying with an abusive person. And, anyone with children needs to think about the example they are setting. Either they will be abusive when they are older or they will think being treated like that is normal.

  • tina

    I have been in a verbal,physical,and emotional abuse for almost ten years,praying and believing that my husband will change but all to no avail.Though he is much better now,at least he can now learn to say i am sorry unlike before.We have tried everything but nothing seems to be working.We have been to sixteen weeks of marriage counselling,we have done at least two marriage seminars in the last five years, i have gone for six weeks of anger management class(alone),I have read books and advised us to be going for couples lunch and dinner together without the kids,of which i tried last nite,but my husband start yelling out at me publicly,he said who am i to talk to him anyhow,is it because you bought me a coffee? I apologise to him publicly but he would not accept my apology.My concern is my innocent kids who sees me crying all the time,i guess this is so unhealthy for them,and unfortunately i am in a strangeland alone by myself,i have no where to go,the house,the car and everything we have belong to him,if i live i will probably live with nothing,my faith does not believe in divorce,but it does not believe in abuse either,what can i do? i guess i am stuck with this control freak,but at the same time i feel i have no future staying with him,all our investments are all in his name only,this on top of abuse,is nothing but suicidal!!!.

  • Joanne

    Can people change ? do leopards change their spots ? i've just paid a lot of money to try to understand my abusive husband. The psychotherapist said that when our men are like this "they are not in reality", he sited the example of if he - the pychotherapist thought that he was "obama" - what would i think ? "you're wrong - you're crazy" - but could i change his mind - NO - and there is no point at this time - when he is "out of reality" - that i can change his mind. We need to find a way to deal with their sudden change. For we all know - when it is good - it is very good - but the flip is very hard. which one is true ? like most of the women here - we stay because we really do love them - and they love us, can we help them ? can we find a way to better deal with it - so that slowly it becomes less ? maybe disappears ? the doctor said - it's ok - to just feel sorry for them - to look at them when they are out of reality - say nothing - but not let it hurt us. for if the "good" - could be always - it would be wonderful. things only hurt us - that we give the power to hurt us. i'm going to keep trying because - i never dreamed of divorce - marriage for life - better or worse... luck , love and strength to us all

  • Candy

    It scares me to read most of the comments on here, in which women know they are being abused but stay. The first time someone abuses you, you're a victim, if you stay, you're a volunteer. Most of these men/abusers will not change, no matter what you do. Even if you do exactly as they tell you to do, they will find something else to abuse you for. Anyone being abused needs to GET OUT. Esp. if you have children. Many children think what ever is going on in the household is their fault. If a mother stays in a abusive relationship, she is abusing her children. There are organizations out there that will help a woman get away from an abuser. The guy will have to pay childsupport, there's no reason not to leave. Even if a guy tells you he'll hunt you down or kill someone you love. You need to leave. These abusers will tell you anything they can think of to get you to stay. That's why they tell you it's your fault, in your head, if you wouldn't do ____ then he wouldn't abuse you. Yes, they are sick, but it's not up to you to fix them. For better or for worse does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. Anyone who tells you differently is WRONG. When you're in it, you don't realize how bad it is until you get out of it. If you're posting on here, you have the ability to get help and get out or get him out. Do a search on the computer for help for abused women. There are places that will pay for you to stay in a hotel. And no one will tell your man where you are. Do not believe him when he says he's sorry, come back, I won't do it again. Unless he goes thru years of counseling, he's not safe to be with. And he won't go thru counseling, it's easier for him to find another woman to abuse. Once you're away, don't ever go near him again or let him know where you are. Empower yourself and get out. All this b.s. about telling him about how you feel with "I" statements, most of it won't help. Believe me, I've been there, it took me 8 months but I got out. Luckily I didn't have kids with him. As long as you stay, as long as you try, as long as ...... he'll continue. You HAVE to LEAVE and not go back! No matter what!

  • Micahel

    I am a 35 year old man and have left a job where my boss who is also a friend for a long time. He was constantly demeaning, hurtful, and just downright nasty. I also have another friend who is also very abusive. We were in a her new car and she looks at me with such hatred and says you'd better be f-ing careful with what you do in this car. Being treated like this evokes such strong angry in me I can barely contain it. It then turns into depression and self loathing. I am gay and grew up in an alcoholic family. My household was not an extremely abusive but it did have the ups and down of life and an alcoholic. A dominairing mentally unstable father, a passive mother who was manilitive and tried to keep the famiy together. I had no support outside or inside the home for my gay identity. I know that I am no angel either. I have lead people on and have a stange sense of boundies not to mention an I am an adult child. My question is can you expect an ideal partner or life situation where ever you are in life? In the initial woman's problem can she expect to leave her husband to find another and a healthy relatioship? I think she should consult with a therapist or life coach and consider her options that are healthy for her. I just hate in life that we all want to be happy and have a level of success. I grew up thinking that once I was an adult I would be able to give this life to myself or work towards it. When I reached my early twenties and couldn't decide on a caraer path my world can tumbleing down. It has been 13 years since school and I am still working on things. Mainly recovering from many years of drug abuse and poor choices with life in genrerl. As I get older and I guess wiser, I'm learning that I do alwasy have a choice and options concerning how I will handle or react to a situation. I cannot control someone else. I cannot control some else or life. I can only have a plan, do my best, let life happen, and strive to be in the momment. I can stive to live a positive healthy life. I can live a positve healthy life.

  • Anonymous-8

    As I read the comments other women have written in I feel like I am reading about my own life. I have been married to the same jerk for 17 years. Dated him for 3 years before that so I have wasted a total of 20 years of my life on someone who has no hope of ever changing. How could someone change when they think nothing is wrong with them? It is never him, it is always me. Let's see this is how it goes: irrational, angry outburst and tantrum, gets in my face, storms out, and then ignores me for days. God forbid I try to bring it up several days later and explain how he has hurt me yet again, I just wind up being yelled at even louder. He's famous for getting in my face and pointing his finger at me. I find myself now backing down from him for 2 reasons, fighting back never helps, and for the sake of my 3 children. He has no regard for how he acts in front of my children 2 boys and 1 girl. I know that if not for me then for the sake of them I need to get out of this toxic relationship. My older son who is 15 is already exhibiting signs of anger issues because of what he has witnessed from his father since he was a child. I just wish I had some financial security. I have asked him to leave so many times but he just won't. According to him I am the one with the problem. So unless I physically have him removed from this house he is not going anywhere. And where the f__ck am I supposed to go with 3 kids. I really don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I have come to loathe him, so much that I don't even want to be in the same room as him anymore. The difference between me and alot of women who have written in is that I do NOT love him at all. I knew I was making a mistake the day I married him. He exhibited signs of verbal abuse while I was dating him many times and I knew what I was in for. I was just a young idiot who thought he would change once we got married.

    I am 42 years old now, met him when I was 22. All I know is that I don't want to wake up when I am 62 and still be in this shitty horrible relationship. It is time to figure out what to do. I am sick of his abuse. He needs to get help, but as I said before he doesn't think there is anything wrong. Everything he does is because of what I do. It has gotten so bad that even when I try avoid a confrontation with him I still get yelled and screamed at. And then he tells me it's all my fault. I am done. Tell you something I am more angry at myself than I am at him. Angry that I have let this shit go on for so many years. He is not worth it, I have even turned to taking valium and pain pills to help me cope with my unhappiness. I will not let this bastard turn me into a drug addict. Oh and I forgot to mention how well loved he is by all on the outside. Everyone loves him he jumps through hoops for practical strangers, yet treats me and his kids like crap. I should say he is nice to our 7 year old daughter but I am sure that will change as she gets older. I keep trying to tell her that it is not OK for a man to yell at a lady cause I am so terrified that she will end up being treated the same way by a man one day. I should also say that I had a terrible relationship with my father growing up. He was a cold unloving man, thus the reason I ended up marrying such a jerk.

    I know I have gone on and on but it has helped to put my feelings into words. It's time to change my life, no one else can do that but me. I pray that God leads me in the right direction.

  • JCL

    Im glad i am not the only one who feels worthless and humiliated at the hands of a bully control freak, I feel ashamed that i am in this situation as i had gotten out in oct 2009 only to believe that he had changed and we now have an 8 month old daughter and i feel that things will never change and that she will grow up thinking that this is how all men behave towards women. that alone makes me want to leave, but i am still on maternity leave and i have two boys from a previous relationship to support, with no money and nowhere to go, i just feel so trapped. its been a week since he has even spoken to me, its like i dont exist, he will txt to ask how our daughter is but is unconcerned about the rest of us. This man is from a military background and i think he has serious issues. I fear that things could be very dangerous for me if I leave again, now that we have a baby, he tries to make out i am a bad mom and has lied to my friends and work colleagues that i am depressed!

    it sounds so easy to say leave, it isnt as simple as that. I hope things improve for all of us as we so deserve to feel good about ourselves again, I know i have no friends left to turn to as he has isolated me from them, they all hate him - this is the only place i have vented

  • TJ 14 June 2012

    The comments posted on here reflect the horrendous ABUSE meted out by my husband. I am tired of being picked on and blamed for everything. I have tried various ways of coping with him, even being assertive did not make a difference.

    He refused counselling - wonder why? He clearly needs help for his vile BULLYING behaviour. And me? I am finally getting out after 26 years whist I still have the chance to enjoy the next 30 yrs without him hassling and harassing me.Life can begin 45.

    You only have one life. Live it. Love it.

  • Kim

    Ive been living with a man for 36 yrs I have two grown daughters one with children,,,, he is abusive to all around , he doesn't even realize it he has been doing this for years and it has become old hat so to speak,,,, He won't leave the home I have no employment,,, I deserve better along with his alcholoism it's becoming more abusive I spend alot of time in my bedroom crying,,, I try to be the up beat person I've always been! But living like this I'm now afraid of physical abusse especially when he has had to much alcohol,,, there is more to life then living in fear and crying most of my days Im 56 yrs old and Im definately to old for this kind of relationship!!! I have no one else to turn to,,, I do have a friend that has been very theraputic for me and tries to guide me on these matters,,, what should I do?

  • Anonymous-9

    It makes me feel a little bit okay to hear that I am not the only one dealing with this kind of situation. I would like to consider myself luckier because we are not yet married and without kids. I think it is easier to leave for me in this kind of relationship, but I really love him. Just like the others who commented before me, I tried to do both ways. To be passive and to pretend that it's okay. And confront him with the way he treats and speaks with me. I have already cited his mom and his future daughter as an example of verbal abuse. I used to ask him many times what will he feel if his mom or his future daughter is treated the same way, but everything I say seems to fall in deaf ears. There are times when we are okay, but most of the time we argue over the smallest things and I'm usually the one he blames. He also calls me names, calls me bitch, evil, stupid, good for nothing, and even accuses me of having an affair and sexual relationships with other men without any reason. He even told me he doesn't need me in his life but I keep coming back because I am hopeful that when he sees my worth, he will change. How can I possibly handle this kind of situation? Should I go or wait even longer and see if he's willing to change and grow up?

  • Jacque

    I am in a verbally abuse marriage and am seeking ways to cope. Every entry above was like reading about all of my own experiences. The screaming and yelloing and the horrible name calling is so sick. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I have been married for 27 years. I am a strong and intelligent woman and I know I do not deserve this abuse. I have a strong support system with my family and I share what is going on in my life with my sisters. They would like me to leave but they know it has to be my decision. I have started to feel that if things don't change I need to leave. It is absolutely horrible to be treated this way. I don't understand why I stay myself. We have been together since I was 16 yrs. old. I don't want to lose everything I have worked for. I keep thinking I can do this but can I really? I have faith that the Lord will guide me and sustain me and I pray to him for strength. I will pray for all of you beautiful woman and men who are struggling as well.

  • Toni

    I started searching the internet after a still in progress casue of extremem verbal abuse. When my husban starts in onthe abuse, he starts with my pet and ends with my dead mother. All of this to push enough buttons to get a reaction. He usually manages to get one. I feel alone and frustrated. I have 2 grown children. My daughter leaves next door and worships her father. He's one of those that will call me a sting of names and then when my daughter comes in, he'll be sugary sweet. Just needed to ge this off my chest. I don't know where to go from here. I trie to ignore the hurtful remarks, but they are hard to get out of my mind. He makes fun of me for that-I'm dweeling too much on bad things.I grew up with constant verbal abuse from my mother. I am perpetuating the cycle. I just feel lost

  • Ludy

    I've been married for 30 years. Now I am living in sexless and of course loveless marriage, we are roommates. I am not mising "sleeping together". My husbannd always grumpy and angry, so I am avoiding talking , he is also easy volitale and anything , any remark, or not can make him sarkastic and angry. He is a BLAMER: everything and everyone is at fault! You should see him driving, with constant bad language towards others, I hate to be in the same car with him.

    For at least 15 years I want to leave this exuse of a marriage knowing there is terrible unfriendly divorce system will strip me off all my hard-earning life savings, I just can't afford to become homeless. It has been times: I only worked, while he studied, or worked part-time none of these years would be countable in fact, I've witnesses friends divorces, the most horrifying thing I would never wish upon anyone!

    I pray to God every moment( must be tired of my prayers) to move me out of my terrible existence safely into happier life. I wish to win lottery , to split with him and just live on my own. I love our working schedules being at different times, so we are not facing one another, than hate weekends, because he is at home, has no interests besides watching TV, or computer. Two strangers with little to nothing to share: this is my life, yet when we talk he always calls me names, or just using bad language with every word. I past hatred towards this person long time ago. I wish to just move on my own, but to have enough to not being dependable, or homeless.

    Just hang in there everyone, maybe God will hear us and help hopefully sooner! Trust me : marriage counseling DOES NOT WORK! Ive been there on my own, and therapy is just another way to "suck your money", lesser than "justice system" though!

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