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Feels Like Adultery


This is a question I am unable to answer for myself. I am always able to help others but now I cant help myself. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have one child. My husband never goes out and claims he likes spending time at home. Well just the other night we were together and I went to bed thinking my husband would right after but I woke up two hours later to find him online chatting and doing a personal thing and I became upset. Now I feel my husband cheated on me through online. I lost all my trust for him and imagine the worst things of him. he admitted to his wrong doing but I cant see myself with him for a while. I gave him the freedom to chat which didn’t bother me but the other was pretty bad at this moment I hate him. Is this normal? Please help

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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It certainly seems normal to me that you’d be feeling hurt and betrayed after catching your husband going through the personals on the internet. The personals exist for finding dates and sex-partners. It is very reasonable for you to assume that if he was using the personals, he was trying to pick up women. Whether he actually intended to consummate his desires or not is irrelevant – This is going to feel like he committed adultery to you. Now, there is a big difference between someone chatting on the internet with a woman and actually going out and committing adultery, and I encourage you to try to keep this in mind as you have room to think about the event rather than just feel it. What you’ve described is a small crime rather than a big one. I think that the event is significant; even though it is a small crime that your husband committed, it does point to a difficulty in your marriage. He is looking for affection outside the marriage. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk about this event, possibly in the context of marital therapy. This is potentially an opportunity for the two of you to get closer rather than more distant. Ideally, he is able to come clean with you about what he is feeling and needing, and the two of you are able to explore how to help him get his needs met in a way that meets both of your needs. Martial therapy can be a good place for a discussion of this type because it’s a sticky conversation to have, and it helps sometimes to have a disinterested therapist (a traffic-cop and conversation facilitator) along to help you get through it well.

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