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Help With My Husband


My Husband is an alcholic and will not get help. But, in the last five years he has been getting progressively worse and in the past 2 years he lies all the time and says he is working but he is not. I have found him sleeping in different areas and also at bars. I last found him in a bar at 8 in the morning. I had to threaten him to go to our Dr. and the Dr. put him on medication last week. He still just sleeps and he came home today drunk. What else can I do? He will not go to the psychologist the Dr. Referred him to. Please help. I’m trying to sell my home and do all the work needed before we go into foreclosure. Please help me.

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Unfortunately, you find yourself in an all too familiar situation. Based on my past experiences with this problem as a therapist I have to suppose that you will not like what I am about to advise but I have to state my best professional opinion. Here it is:

Your husband does not the the Medical Doctor and he does not need a psychologist, at least, not yot. The only hope for your husband is to go into a detox program, and there are many, or start attending meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous. The general rule that AA suggests for people like your husband is to attend 100 meetings for 100 days, in a row. In fact, he should go to more than one meeting each day. However, each day counts as one until he puts together 100 days in a row of sobriety while attending AA for at least once each day. He also needs to get a sponsor at AA.

For yourself, it is important to attend Alanon meetings so that you can learn to disconnect yourself from taking any responsibility for your husband’s drinking.

Here is the part that I expect you will not like:
Your husband must make his own decision about no longer drinking, if he ever makes that decision. All you can do is inform him directly and honestly that if he does not stop drinking and if he does not go to detox and/or AA meetings you will divorce him. You must really mean it and carry it through when he continues drinking.

You cannot save your husband. Only he can do that and only if he wants to. He has three loves in his life: 1. Alcohol, 2. Alcohol and 3. Alcohol. Does he love you? I cannot tell you. I only can tell you he loves alcohol and not even himself.

It is essential that you save yourself. Now, if he hears you, stops, goes to detox and AA afterwards, maybe there is hope for you marriage but "I would not bet the farm on it," and that is the part nobody wants to hear. However, alonon will help you with this.

I wish you very good luck.

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

  • Anonymous-1

    I am a daughter of an alcoholic. My mother was one. Im 27 years old. And I just wanted to say, I know it is hard to watch. But the person has to make up their own mind to get help. No matter what you say and how you help, they have to want to help themselves. My mom eventually chose to help herself. Just pray for them. I used to be so...embarrassed. I used to cry too. But all in all, you just have to love them from a distance. My mother went to meetings. She didnt do a program at first and she would go back to drinking every couple of months or so. But it is power in prayer. She has been alcohol free for a year now. I continue to pray for her because this is a lifelong fight. And I will pray for you and ur husband.

  • cindie

    my husband in the same except he is into the drugs too i feel for your situation and i just wanted you to know you are not alone he has stolen every thing i own he is and drinks all the time and smokes crack. he has gotten violent at time sand i have gotten a protection order he went to a program and i let him come home but he is the same so yeah i agree with the dr. i am on my way to a divorce too this has gone on for 9 years. i will pray for you God bless you.

  • Anonymous-2

    i am on the brink of depression myself. We have a healthy,beautiful lovely 1 yr old son. My husband drinks at least evry other month and he is very obnoxious and drives. He is diagnosed w/ bipolar dz. His psychiatrist prescribed any medications that he wants and his psych wont talk to me about his txt. This cost us an enormous financial crisis w/ all the legal fees. My life is a mess because of him. I am calling a lawyer tomorrow. I quit. I can't take it anymore.

  • Anonymous-3

    I say this for all who try to keep it together.

    Eighteen years of my life gone. I tried everything. My husband has been in 12+ prgrams, jail, prison, on the street the list goes on. I'm the reason he continues to use. My love for him and letting him back in the house over and over again has allowed him to continue to use.

    He does not use in our home.

    We have a 13 year old.

    He has not been able to hold onto a job for more than 4 years.

    He does not beat me. He's not with other women or men.

    All the talks. pleading, crying, begging, picking him up off the streets, looking for him, praying, begging God, walking on egg shells... has NOT worked. Thousands of dollars spent on medical, mental and emotional bills has not helped (either of us).

    I went to all the programs for friends and family members of addicts. They work for a minute, they make you feel better, but they don't stop the addict from using. RUN FAST!!!!!!!


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