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How Can I Cope With My Husband?s Depression And Its Sexual Consequences?

Question:

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we have been together for 4. He has depression and in the past it really hurt and killed my self- esteem because he didn’t touch me for months. The problem now is that I don’t know how to go back to being self confident and starting sex. I don´t feel sexy or desired anymore. I used to love being kinky but he´s not kinky at all, he´s never been, at least not with me. I know he was kinky with his ex wife and now I feel very insecure about myself in front of him.

I didn’t understand his illness at first. Now I do understand him better, but still it’s hard because, when he’s down, he’s gone and totally out of himself. I try and I do understand it more, but I don´t really know how to help him or help myself a little more. Also, other issues are involved such as, our realtionship hasn’t been easy due to external circumstances. I was kicked out of the country for overstaying my visa and when that hapened I realized I was pregnant and I had to have an abortion. So living abroad currently wasn’t his choice. He says he likes it but I don’t think he´s totally happy.

So knowing all this, I know I have to do something. I read and research about depression and marriage and try to do what the experts recommend. But, how can you help someone, when they don´t want to help themselves and don’t try?  He´s been dealing with depression his whole life and his ex wife, whom he lived with for 2 years with, is bipolar and was diagnosed with borderline personality dissorder. So life with her was “hell,” he assures me. I think that has had left him exhausted and hurting.

We also have some habits that don’t help. For example we are 420 friendly (marijuana) and he shouldn’t smoke it because getting depressed is a side effect.  Also, he should be taking anti depressant meds but he quit because we had serious financial trouble and we can’t afford it right now. Yet, he tried generic meds but they didn’t really do much. So I really need your help. How can I help him and how can I help myself?? I love him and I know for a fact that he loves me. He´s really tender, helpfull at home and loving. But, I need more from him.

Please, any suggestions in how to handle this would be appreciated. I want to save my marriage. And I kind of need some expert opinion about my specific case.

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Answer:

I find it very interesting that you and your husband have financial problems and, therefore, cannot afford anti depressant medications but, you can afford marijuana. You are not the first person to have brought this to my attention. People tell me that they cannot afford medicines but have money for harmful drugs. Then, there are the people who say that they will not put a foreign substance into their bodies, such as a psychiatric drug, but will smoke weed, drink and take other harmful drugs.

You and your husband need to use the money that you have on anti depressant medications instead of weed.

In addition to this, the two of you need to go to marriage therapy to work out the problems in your marriage. Yes, depression robs people of their sexual desire. In fact, marijuana does not help very much, either. However, if you cannot afford medications I guess you cannot afford psychotherapy. Yet, both medication for your husband and marriage psychotherpy are things you each need.

You mention your work visa running out and the two of you having to leave the country. I can only presume that you were forced to leave the United States. Yet, if your husband is an American citizen that should have allowed the two of you to stay here, unless he was also on a work visa. This is something you need to clarify for yourselves.

Yes, depression can be contageous with the result that his depression causes you to feel depressed. You must understand that your husband’s lack of sexual desire is a symptom of depression and has nothing to do with you or how attractive you are. You must understand this as a way of protecting your self esteem.

So, to repeat, in my opinion, your husband needs to see an MD and get back on medications. Then, the two of you need to enter psychotherapy with a marriage therapist. Finally, marijuana is not helping things and the money spent on that could be used for the proper types of medicine.

Good Luck

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