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How Can I Move Past This- A Question For Staff

Question:

1. How long have you been together? 8 yrs

2. What is your age range? 40-45

3. Please share your story:

I had posted a question earlier titled, “How do I move past this?” Staff advised me that what I was in was an abusive relationship and that I couldn’t heal as long as I was in this relationship. I thought I could forgive my husband for his repeated infidelities, but I can’t. I have discovered that I have no self esteem whatsoever and continue to have horrid flashbacks.

I want to leave him. There in lies the problem. He is the sole bread winner of the family. I stay at home with our three children ages 17, 11 (and low functioning autistic) and 2. I have recurring ovarian cancer.

How do I leave him? Where can I go? I am lost. I find myself wishing the cancer would just kill me so I wont be trapped anymore. I love him, but I have come to realize this will not work anymore. I need to get out for my daughters and I need to get out for me. But how? I don’t know how.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
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  • The intent of Marriage Corner and Mentalhelp.net is to provide to provide general educational information to the readership of this website. Responses from staff and readers should not be understood as psychotherapy or specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
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  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. This includes making any changes to your personal relationships. If you are taking medications or are in psychotherapy, do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication and do not stop psychotherapy without first consulting with your physician or psychotherapist.
Answer:

It might seem like you are in a “no win” situation because you feel trapped for what seem to be very good reasons. Yet, if you and your children stay you risk harm to your health and to the children. The reason why I mention harm to yourself has to do with the fact that stress is especially bad for you when you are struggling with recurring ovarian cancer. Yet, by staying with this man, you continue to experience stress. What are some possible solutions?

First, you really need to ask yourself if it is true that you have place to go? Do you have relatives or friends you could talk to about helping you and the kids, at least for a period of time? If you belong to a local church or other religious institution, you could speak to them about your dilemma and discuss some possible solutions. In addition, find out what support services exist in your community. For example, the local “Y” or Salvation Army might have resources for you or that they could refer you to. Then, too, you need a consult with an attorney who can advise you about divorce and about what your marital rights are and where you and the kids could find shelter. For example, can your husband be forced to move out given your special needs child and the state of your health. Another idea is that, if your treatment for cancer is connected to a hospital, a social worker who works with cancer patients could be of real value to you.

I am listing these possibilities not because any of them could be the solution but to demonstrate why you must not give up hope. Depression often causes people to feel helpless to do anything about their situation when, in fact, there may be lots of things available. You need to empower yourself so that you can stop feeling helpless.

Because you are experiencing depression that is so serious that you sometimes wish you were not alive anymore, you need psychological help. First, cancer and depression often go together. Second, the condition of your marriage is depressing and, lastly, having a special needs child and a very young child all contribute to depression. I do not know if you do or do not need an anti depressant but I do believe that a good psychotherapist (a good social worker) would help you feel less alone and would help you explore more possibilities for you and the kids.

Please remember that your husband will always be financially responsible for the children if this ends in divorce. I suspect that he will also be financially responsible for you, given the state of your health, but, that is why you must speak to an attorney.

Don’t give up hope.

Do our readers have some ideas?

Staff

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