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How Do I Handle This?

Question:

I’m in love with a 32 year old man and we have been together for six months. The problem is I never told her about my teenager life. While I was 14 I was raped by my uncle and became pregnant. As a result,  I have a 7 year old daughter who has been adopted by my parents. It realy pains me because I’m unable to tell my boyfriend about all of this because he already mentioned that he will never marry a woman with a child. I do love my daughter now and I think i would like to stay with her sometimes. He is ready to marry me but it will be embarassing if he found out during the wedding that I have a baby. We have been having sex but he never said anything about my body because I am not a virgin.

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Answer:

Keeping a secret is not a helpful way to enter into a marriage. If and when the two of you marry, the secret will grow in intensity and result in becoming an infection that will destroy your marriage.

There are a couple of things you need to think about:

1. Your boyfriend says he does not want to marry a woman with a child. First of all and if I understand correctly, your parents have adopted the child. If that is true then you are the biological parent but no longer the actual parent. They are raising the child and not you. You cannot just undo a legal adoption. Therefore, neither of have the responsibility for raising the child.

2. Your pregnancy was the result of a rape. That means it was not a matter of choice on your part. If your boyfriend does not or cannot accept and understand that you should not marry him. A real and caring man will accept the fact that you were raped.

3. The fact that you have not told this man about your rape and pregnancy means that you do not yet trust him. Trust is the cement of a marriage. If two people cannot trust one another, their relationship will be disasterous.

In my opinion, you need to talk to him about the entire tragedy. Yes, it is a tragedy because you were raped. Its a terrible thing.

3. That leads me to my final point: I am guessing that you blame yourself for the rape and pregnancy. Women often blame themselves. Your fear that your boyfriend will judge you is probably based on the idea that you have judged yourself. That is why I recommend psychotherpy for you.

Best of Luck

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