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How To Move On With Everything Against You?

Question:

I am going through an emotionally rough divorce. Out of the blue, my wife announced that she no longer was in love with me and wanted a divorce. I honestly did not see it coming. For the kids sake, I agreed to let her keep the house etc and keep the kids routine as normal and consistant as possible. After all is said and done, I will lose my wife, my kids, my dog my house, the town I love, and everything I was involved in inside the community. With the child support and alimony I am legally being forced to pay, I cannot afford to live in the town as it is a very elite “high rent” area. I will barely be able to afford a “low level” apartment within 1/2 hour of the town. I definitely will not be able to afford a car payment or the insurance on a car, so I do not know how i will be able to “pick up the kids” on an every other weekend basis, let alone “do” anything with them without transportation. I would love to “move on” with life, but even with getting a second job at night, I find that at the end of the month, after the rent, utilities, bills, child support and alimony are paid, I barely have money for food, let alone anything left to actually ask someone out on a date. I am 45 years old, and have nothing to offer someone as far as dating etc.

I am so depressed over my life. I “had it all”, and now, through no fault or action of my own, I have nothing. She truly got the gold mine and I got the shaft. Any suggestions?

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Answer:

Your letter is painful to read, and I am so very sorry that you are suffering as you are. As you note, you are “going through” a rough divorce; you are not done with it yet. You are grieving; you are depressed; you are adjusting to the new set of realities you are faced with. It is likely too soon for you to be expecting yourself to move on from this train wreck. Time does help heal (or at least cover over) most wounds. There is hope for you. But time also makes grindingly slow progress sometimes. Some of this sort of stuff just has to be endured.

Now, about your not having anything of value to offer another woman. This is certainly not true, but rather a function of your depressed, miserable state. You may be making the mistake of identifying your value as a man with the amount of wealth you can offer someone. There is such a strong cultural bias that we all ingest at a young age that says that a mans’ worth is measured by his wealth. While money is certainly important and even vital in life, any mature woman out there with any sense knows that wealth is not correlated with kindness or with honesty or loyalty, or the capacity to genuinely love another. It is these just mentioned qualities that ultimately lead to a satisfying long term relationship between partners. Not having enough money works against relationship success, but relationships are still possible. Not having the capacity for kindess, honesty, loyalty or love makes long term relationships ultimately impossible. You may be down on your luck financially at this moment in your life, but I’ll bet you that you are still a good man with good qualities. There will be women out there who will recognize those qualities and value you, even if you can’t take them out for anything more expensive than pizza.

There is a tendancy in relationships for some partners who are left suddenly to work to appease their leaving partner, so as to be a “good guy”. One way that this plays out is that men give away more of their rights than they might; more property, more custody, etc. This is not necessarily the best long term strategy, even though emotionally, many men in your situation find it difficult to do otherwise. Is your allimony and custody agreement already set in stone or are you perhaps still negotiating it? You will not have any choice but to pay the full amount of child support; there are strict state laws out there and no negotiation abilities, but you may be able to negotiate for a lessor or at least time-limited allimony. You may be able to negotiate for more time with your children. It is not necessarly the case that the children are better off with their mother and in their routines if allowing that to be means that they are cut off from their father. These links concerning men’s rights in divorce cases may or may not prove helpful to you.

Please do not allow yourself to become too isolated in your grief and loss. It will likely help your self-esteem if you interact with other people out there (men and women) who have been through what you are going through (you’re by no means alone in this experience) and can provide you support, advice, and models that prove that there is life after divorce. There are a variety of communities out there online (my preliminary searching yields up these community based support group links, and these online community links.

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Comments
  • Diana

    I was in a domistic violent realationship 4 15 years. I finally had enough so I left.Iam still not divorced after 3 years 8 months 13,000 and my husband wont pay alimony he canceled my , health insurance and wont sign divorce papers Iam still being controled. My lawyer is just as abusive as my husband and has not done anything for me he was refered from domistic violence help line.Iam upset and scared to get another lawyer because this would be my third. I need my gallblader removed and in pain all the time I work as a painter and make about 200.00 a week Iam un skilled and was a stay at home house wife. My aunt was killed by my uncle he beat her to death, everyone always says why did she stay. I guess I understand alot more than most people because , Iam still married to this man and I have spent all of my money trying to get away and I have nothing I should have stayed like my aunt maybe people would do there jobs better if they had blood on ther hands from allowing women to be beaten to death when are people ever going to help with out always a price tag? I would like to know is there any good lawyers out there? I wish u all good luck

  • laurie

    Anne,

    I have been divorce for about three years now and my ex just won't leave me alone.

    When he divorced me he forced the sale of our home throwing my our two boys and myself out into the streest, I borrowed money and found a place to live. About 4 months after our divorce my file to get full legal and physical custody of our boys. After a year long battle and thousands of dollars in attorneys fees and my incompetent attorney he won physical custody. I was devestated and my world caved in. I was not working at the time so he realized that he would only get about $30.00 in child support and he owed me $57.00 a month in spousal support he left me alone. When he found out I started dating he would continually harasse my male friend with hopes that he would leave. Well he never left. So here it is a year later and I am just starting to get my life back together and he tries to have the DA garnish my wages. Well little did he know that I work for a group of attorneys so my attorney is not costing me anything right now, but he refuses to allow me to have my kids 50% of the time. He has a grilfriend that he has been dating for about 1.5 years. Why won't he just leave me alone so I can go on with my life?

    W

  • Anonymous-1

    I am a single parent post divorce and i have many female friends in a similar situation. we are all looking for a man like you so do not lose heart. shit happens there are many of us in similar situations you will find happyness not all women are after money most of us just want honesty and commitment stay strong and keep a relationship with your kids and believe me there are lots of women out there who will love that in you.

  • Anonymous-2

    It's true, everyone has their own problems but when it comes to your-self you kind of think that your problems are worse than everybodies elses problems. I'm going through a divorce my-self. It didn't even lasted 6 months and the reason? My partners mother. Yes we do love each-other very much, but it went to the point where my partner couldn't deal with the mother and left one day without telling me the reason. Ah yes, i guess i didn't love and respect her. What did we gain? Pain, lots of pain. I'm hurt and confused but i'm making a promise to my-self and that is that no matter what i'll move on and never look back. I'm thinking of moving to another state and start fresh. It's not easy but i'll make the best out of it. Good luck to all of you and the best advise is to be strong and think positively

  • Anonymous-3

    I'm going thru the same thing right now, my wife text me to move on and I tried and tried to keep family together but she don't want to work it out. I'm so devastated and angry don't know what to do. I got a step son and two daughters and I love them very much and the mom too, I'm feeling so empty and don't know what to do.

  • Anonymous-4

    Sharing my experience and hopefully some light.

  • Mrs. G

    I have not gone through a divorce yet, but it seems as if I am. My husband decided to leave about six months ago. After almost eighteen years together. Ofcourse it was not a perfect marriage. He really did not give me the reason for leaving. We had been having alot of financial hardships. We lost our home to forclosure after only two years of owning it. I remained faithful to him, even though he found ways to ease his stress. (Drank and went out) I worked very hard on my marriage. We have three great , healthy kids. When he left, I found out that he had stopped paying bills that were under my name, which we got under my name because his credit wasn't any good. He stopped making payments on my car, which I needed for transporting the kids back and forth, so it almost got repoed. I am still paying off late fees so that I can get my pink slip. I mean I worked too and I would give him my paycheck. I don't understand why he such devastating actions towards me. My credit is down the drain and I live paycheck by paycheck. Although he is still paying all the house bills and the rent, he gives me no help with the kids. He does not have a schedule for visiting the kids. He goes out and travels to Vegas back and forth. While I am home doing it all for the kids and even more. I really don't have the time to feel bad for my situation. I just need to find a way where I am not soo depended on him. What did I do so wrong?

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