Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

Husband Abandoned Me

Question:

My husband and I had to live apart for 10 months due to work and school. aA the end of that time we sold our home that I lived in and bought a new one where he was. About a month before I was due to move to be with him, he told me I could not live with him and to find my own place. I was hurt and confused. We just spent all this time apart (seeing each other about once every 4-5 weeks ) and now he does not want to live with me?

I have been staying with family, and he refuses to answer my phone calls, texts, or even my emails. He has all of our things since we sold the house. I have 2 suitcases full of clothes and that is it. Luckily I have a job, I transferred my job to the town he is in.

I don’t know what to do. I set up marriage counseling the week I got here and he did show up but then the last 3 weeks he has not. I want to believe he is not unfaithful and he assured me of that. I just think he is depressed being in this town. I think he thought it would be great to be back home near family.

He has a history of drug dependence and alcohol abuse. I fear he is numbing himself to these things and not dealing with the situation. I want to file for separation, since his silence is pushing me over the edge. I did not move here to live with my mom! We have been together 9 years and married about 3 of them. I really want us to work, but do not think it ever will.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

I guess what I find most troubling about your husband’s recent behavior is that you are left in the dark. By that I mean that you have no idea why he is behaving this way. You made several guesses including possible substance abuse, but, you have not facts to support that.

Given the fact that he refuses to respond to any of your efforts to make contact with him and resolve your problems together, it may be that filing for separation and divorce is your only option. There is no way to force someone to engage in conversation or to attend marriage therapy sessions.

One thing I want to point out to you is that you must make every effort to not become depressed. Depression is an understandable reaction given the fact that he refuses to provide any answers, explain himself or attend therapy sessions. Feeling helpless because of this can lead to depression.

One way to avoid helpless feeling is to take appropriate action. It makes sense to me that you consult an attorney and learn your rights. After all, the house he purchased is marital property, I believe. However, I am not a lawyer and that is why you must act to protect yourself. He has your possessions and, in fact, everything you both own probably falls into the category of joint marriage possessions.

This is a very sad type of thing but you appear to have done all you can. Now, protect your rights and what you are entitled to and get on with your life. Oh yes, please remember, you may never figure out what really motivated him to behave this way.

Good Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Comments
  • Melanie M.

    Your story is identical to what happened to me 2 years ago. He has continued to deny that he left for another woman...but I am positive he did not meet his new girlfriend "after" deserting me. In this type of situation, a new woman is usually the reason for their completely odd behavior. My husband was perfect and I was happily married for 15 years... to do what he did was a shock to everyone. I know what it is to be seperated for a long time due to work/move, left without your home, move into parents, a couple of suitcases. Sometimes bad things happen to good people...that is the only answer as to why these men act so horribly. One day at a time...the best advice in this type of situation. One day at a time.

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand