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I Am Only 26 Years Old

Question:

My husband constantly gives me digs. He acts like everything I say has another meaning behind it. He has to know who I am texting and has supposedly found me, multiple times, on Internet porn sites. The fact is that I have never even held another man’s hand let alone what he accuses me of doing. 

He curses me with the most degrading names possible. He pulls my blankets off while I sleep to see “what I am doing” even if I am completely asleep. I’ve been choked, pulled by my hair and kidnapped against my will multiple times. When I tell him I am done he will take everything from me: keys, purse and telephone and then try to kick me out.  He will tell me that he is going to hurt my family because they are in on “it.”
He randomly calls me through the day and say that he is going to kill a new employee at my job because he knows “something is going on.” 

I married when him when I was only 19 because I was so in love. Deep down I know he really loves me. He always comes home when he is supposed to. He doesn’t even think of other women and loves being a good dad. 

Then there is my side where I am the victim and I want to run so far away from him that I never see him again.  How can he go from locking me in a room and calling me “a dirty nasty whore” in front of my child and stepchildren to telling me how he loves me and wants to give me the world and die for me? 

I love my husband more than any man in this world and want to continue a family with him for the rest of my life. But, I get to the point of knowing I deserve respect and dignity. 

Is this really my life? 

Anyone with give me advice please respond. I didn’t know he has an actual mental disorder until I looked it up today.  I have been telling my husband he is in a completely delusional state because of the off the wall accusations he makes. I am married to him for 7 years and I’m only 26. I am always walking on eggshells around him. I have no life and I have my own depression issues.  At 19 I took on his 3 stepchildren and now have one child of my own. This is a horrible situation.

Stacey

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Answer:

MI have way of knowing if your husband has a mental disorder or not. What I do know is that there are lots of people with mental disorders who are not abusive and cruel. Therefore, the issue of mental illess is irrelevant in so far as it is not excuse for is outrageous behavior.

Let’s be clear about certain things having to do with your husband:

1. Good mothers and fathers do not curse, choke or hit each other and they especially do not do those things in front of the children. In fact, he seems to have little regard for their well being. His behavior towards you is traumatizing to them as well as to you.

2. You state that you love this man and want to have a family with him for the rest of your life. Please pardon my sarcasm, which is directed at him and not at you but, if you plan to stay with him then it will be for the rest of your life because there is the very real danger that he could kill you in an outburst of jealous rage.

3. I agree with you that when you say that a man who does these kinds of things is not showing love. In addition, a woman does not love a man who behaves in those violent and demeaning ways. You may feel dependent on him but I find it difficult to believe that you truly love him.

4. Assuming that you live in the United States or another democratic nation, his doing things such as choking and threatening you, your family and people at work are all illegal. The next time he hits or chokes you, it would be wise of you to call 911 emergency. You can also report his behavior to child protective services because of the danger he poses to both your children and his.

It is certainly true that it is extremely painful for a mother to take her children and move out because the difficulties of raising kids as a single mother. However, this is what many women do when they are in a hard place like you are in. You have a right to protect yourself and the kids from his violent behavior. I would suggest moving out without telling him ahead of time. Or, you can have the police present when you move out. You also have the right to take a restraining order out on him because he is dangerous.

It’s important that you feel empowered rather than helpless. By feeling empowered and taking firm and strong actions, your protect yourself and your children.

You now have my heartfelt opinion.

Best of Luck

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