Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

I Beg You To Give Me Your Suggestions - Saman - Aug 4th 2008

Question:

Hello

My name is Saman and 25 years old. I got married about 4 years ago but about 2 years ago I came to know that my husband is a pornography addicted. He often gets up in the middle of the night to watch porn movies. This has totally disturbed me. Whenever I catch him watching movies I lose my self esteem. Moreover he has friendly relationship with family girls so that sometimes I think they feel uncomfortable (I’m not sure if it is just a suspicion or reality).

But I’ve not been able to convince myself for separation and divorce because I love him and he is kind to me. However I don’t know if I live with him, does he quit his pornography addiction or not moreover in such a situation I don’t dare to have children with him. Please give me your suggestions.

Thank you

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

First, let me assure you that there is not need for you to "beg for our advice." That is what we are here for, at least, on the "Ask Dr. Schwartz," or on the "Ask Anne or Ask Dr. Dombeck" parts of the site. You can also do this in our Online Community. In fact, I want to encourage you to join our online community so that you can discuss this problem with others in similar situations and get their advice.

The issue of pornography seems to plague many marriages and complicate marital relationships. I do not mean that this is true of all marriages. There are those husbands and wives who do not watch any pornography and have happy and fulfilling sexual lives. Then, there are those marriages where husbands and wives watch pornography willingly and happily together. There are even those women who do not care whether their husbands watch pornography so long as they provide love, attention and affection.

Please be assured that you are not alone in complaining about your husband’s viewing pornograpy and in your finding it offensive.

The question that so very many wives ask, is, "what can I do about this?" Let me try some suggestions but please understand that, in my giving these suggestions I am NOT implying that you have failed to do these things already. In other words, you may have tried these things and they did not work.

Suggestions:

1. Getting angry and quarelling does not work. Instead, try talking to your husband about how hurt you are made to feel when he watches pornograpy. For example, let him know that you are left feeling as though you are not sexy enough for him, or that you feel jealous because you feel as though he wants to see other women.

one woman told her husband, when they were in marriage therapy with me, that "she could not understand why looking at her vagina was not enough for him and why did he have to look at other women’s vaginas on the Internet?

2. Closely related to suggestion #1 is that you feel terrible when he watches pornography.

3. Many couples fail to discuss their sexual relationsip with one another. Despite the fact that they have sex with each other there is a failure to communicate. Communication is important so that you can tell one another the types of positions, stokes and comments you enjoy and do not enjoy during foreplay and intercourse. Through talking you can come to more fully understand what each other finds pleasant as well as what you do not like.

4. Part of communicating is discussing frequency of sex. Believe it or not, it is not only husbands who complain about "lack of frequent sex." If two people are poorly matched in terms of sexual drive and desire it can become unpleasant for both. If she wants more and he says "I have a headache," that frustrates her just as the opposite.

5. See if there are compromises about how to satisfy one another. Ask him what he would like you to do sexually in order to make it more exciting for him. Of course, you must be honest with yourself and him about whether or not you want to do certain things. For instance, I had one couple where the woman wanted anal sex but he did not. It was not for him. I mention it because it works both ways and not like the stereotype of the man wanting and the woman refusing. As long as two people are in full agreement there should be not problems about how to have sex for consenting married adult people.

6. Not everything is sexual. Many times people are unhappy in their marriages not because of sexual issues but because of such problems as: cleaning the house, expenditures and money matters, handling the chilren, dividing chores, entertaining friends and even drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana. Often times, these problems are expressed in the area of sexual relations because one or the other or each are too aggravated to have sex.

7. Marriage therapy with a skilled psychologist or licensed clinical social worker can help resolve these issues.

8. Finally, if all else has failed then divorce might be the correct strategy for each of you, especially if you are young and no children are involved.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    i CAN RELATE TOTALLTY..MY HUSBAND GETS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO VIEW And download porn too......i had never really watched porn till i married him 1.5 years ago we have to watch every night befor sex...i figured i could complain or join him.....if we watch it together...its tolderable and sometimes i enjoy it..but when he watches it with out me it hurts me so bad.....i would suggest you watch it with him with an open mind...i lov e him so much i was willing to do it....each of us is turned on by different things.....maybe by watching it u will find out what he likes and can do it together......moon

  • Earl

    In any relationship you have to be open to compromise and there are some things you do not want to compromise on. Once you know where you stand your significant other must know and you both should have a commitment regarding how you both will spend the remainder of your lives together. Life is short, live it with a smile.

  • Anbar

    Porn is very delicious issue, I like it myself, but porn should not be used in a hazardus way. As long as you have a wife you should not see it at all better because this means you are not loving your wife and she is not satisfactory for you. It can be used only on a very limited scale. Porn addiction is known and has a very bad effect on the sexual life by time. Too frequent porn make the man less able to orgasm properly after some time of seeing and also make him have a high threshould for sexual arousal, same like is noticed in most porn films (tumeseence during the intercourse most of the time). So better to limit its use only as a stomachic but not a main course, other wise you will be more and more dependent on it in your sexual relations. Many sexual relattions was broken by porn, many stories reflect this fact, even if not broken it is already disturbed.

    Porn also has a very important effect on the performane, mostly these effects are negative, as the viewer immitate it whether it suits his partner or not, and also this effect juperdize the relation most of the time.

    Yes porn satisfies the polgamus desire of the man, it also can be satisfied by multiple relations or by multiple marriges if it is allowed.

  • Anonymous-2

    I believe that when a man watches porn he learns more about sex (different positions, styles, ways). There are many different fetishes that most people don't even know about. I think it is the female that would benefit most when the husband watches porn, because he brings those ideas and 'styles' he sought watching porn back to the bedroom. I myself have been in an on-going relationship for 4 years with a very intense sex life. If it wasn't for porn, I would be a normal to 'average' person in bed, but pornogropy taught me a lot about how to please your partner (or partners). I learn something new almost every week. Most women that have an average sex life say that "it's good the way it is," ofcourse it's good the way it is, because you have never had experience doing anything else. I hope this comment has helped atleast someone understand a benifit of pornography.

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand