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I Can't Seem To Get Over Any Of This

Question:

about a year and 3 months ago my husband daughter and i moved back to my home town to help take care of my grandmother with pulmonary fibrosis, we moved in with her and i took care of her every need until the day she died, that has been 9 months ago, she was in hospice care and one of the drugs they gave her was morphine, and i know it suppresses respirations which with pulmonary fibrosis could be a problem, she never took the medicine until the day before she died she asked me to give it to her, i gave her one dose, and in my rational mind i know i did not kill her, but i still feel guilty, i also feel like i could have made her last months here better, and no matter how many times i am told how good i did, i still fell i didn’t do enough, i dream about her almost every night, and cry every day, i don’t want to wake up in the mornings i never do anything that i used to do or love to do. then about 2 months ago my best friend who i have known my entire life dies in a car wreak, i have feelings of guilt about her because of the life she lead and i feel like i should have done more to help her…

i can’t seem to get over any of this and i feel myself going deeper and deeper into something, depression i guess, my father has bipolar, and i suffered from post partum, but that passed as soon as i went back to work. i am not my self and i don’t know what to do, i do have a family doctor, but my mother is the nurse there and i don’t want her to catch wind of anything because i don’t want her to worry, but i just need help so bad, i don’t know what to do. i don’t know what kind of doctor to see and even then i couldn’t afford to do anything(no insurance)…i try to tell my husband i need help but he says that i am stronger than people who need to take meds…..but i honestly feel i will never ever come out of this….i am so lost and i don’t know what to do. i get scared and nervous taking long car rides and get angry at things a lot faster than i used to . sometimes i feel like i am going to jump out of my skin and go crazy, others i just want to lay in the bed and never ever get up. i feel so selfish for feeling this way but i cant help, this is nothing like i used to be i need help

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Answer:

Yes. You do need help. Something has gone wrong; you aren’t yourself, and you need to seek out help now, because you are overwhelmed and can’t seem to fix yourself via your own initiatives right at this moment.

What is stopping you from getting help appears to be complex. I read over your email and there is a strong sense that you are identified with the role of caregiver in your family. By this, I mean to say that you are the person people go to for assistance. You took care of your mother when she was ill, etc. The crappy thing about being the caregiver in the family is that when you need care yourself, there is no one to turn to. It is hard to admit that you need help in the first place, I think. I’ll bet you subscribe to the idea that you (as a caregiver sort of person) are supposed to be stronger than the people you care for, at least emotionally. When you are as depressed and broken down as you are saying, it must feel very shameful and guilt-inducing to know that you require assistance yourself. I think this belief (that you must be strong all the time) is a faulty one, based on irrational premises (for no one is a perfect person), but if you believe it, it can easily become a heavy weight on your shoulders.

Your husband isn’t helping things by suggesting that you are stronger than people who need medicine. By extension, he is saying that you aren’t allowed to be weak (even if you are). By extension, he is rejecting your reality, and asking you to put on a show for him; a false front. That isn’t helpful for you or your marriage. I’m not commenting on whether or not he is essentially a good man; only that in this particular way, he is being selfish.

There are more shame reasons for why you cannot get help. You can’t afford to see a specialist doctor (you say), and the only doctor you can see happens to have a privacy conflict. He cannot offer you privacy because your mother works for him and will go through the records. Stripping this down to its essentials, you are saying that you can’t seek help from someone halfway qualified to help you because that would mean admitting you are having difficult to your family, and it is more terrifying to have that secrete known than to go through the various agonies you are presently enduring. I wonder if that is really the case (that your family would reject you and laugh at you and make your life even worse than it is now). If that is the case, you must come from one abusive family. They’re out there, unfortunately, but I hope things really aren’t that bad for you. More likely (I hope), your fear of what might happen if your secrete became known is exaggerated and it really wouldn’t be that bad. So long as you are unwilling to reality test, however, and so long as you maintain that you really can’t afford another doctor, you would appear to be stuck.

This thing you’re dealing with would appear to be (can’t know for sure until you see a local doctor who can diagnose you) a complicated grief reaction, brought on by two significant losses in a short span of time. You have lost your mother and your best friend all in the space of one year. Some hard-nosed people might shrug this sort of thing off, but most of us would be pretty affected and demonstrate the sort of depression-like symptoms you are describing. Nine months is really not a long time to process such a major set of losses, so you may be being rather hard on yourself to think you should be feeling normal at this time. But you are saying that your life is really suffering – your ability to function is at risk – so I think that it makes real sense for you to seek out professional treatment for your wounds.

Mood symptoms of the sort you are dealing with can often be helped by appropriately prescribed medication, by psychotherapy, by supportive discussions with caring friends and family, and by frequent energetic exercise. Medication can provide you with a “floor” that can help you from descending too low into depressive moods, for instance. Psychotherapy can target your irrational guilty thinking patterns, and by so doing, help improve your mood. It can also help you become more aware of the complex web of relationship expectations you are part of (e.g., to be a caregiver never allowed to ask for help yourself) so that you can proactively consider whether it makes sense for you to continue living your life stuck in those patterns. Talking about and venting your feelings to supportive others just helps, and exercise can really raise your mood, improve your endurance and all around help support your life.

Really, you should find a way to seek out the care of a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist, and a cognitive behavioral or interpersonal psychotherapist (ask for those types of therapy by name when calling around to locate a therapist). I know it is expensive, but this is your life we’re talking about here. Scrimp on something else that isn’t necessary (like cable tv) and find a way to pay for a few sessions with a qualified therapist. Ask for generic medications when you get your prescription – they’re cheaper. Find a way to make it happen.

If you refuse to seek out professional help out of sheer stuckness and shame, there are still support groups and the internet. Many communities have grief groups (often organized through hospitals and clinics) that are free to attend or very inexpensive. There are good web communities that discuss grief and other loss issues anonymously. This sort of help is somewhat removed from the most effective professional stuff, but it is worthwhile nevertheless.

The key issue as I see it is not your grief reaction right now, but rather your stuckness in not being able to overcome your shame at needing help and failing to seek that help. Break through this stuckness and seek out that help, please. Life has a better chance for getting better if you do.

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Comments
  • jessica

    i read your response to my question and it has proved very helpful, i do not have an abusive family, and my mother would rather know about my pain than me to suffer, i will go to my doctor and have him refer me to a phychiatrist, thank you for your response.

  • Myriah

    I am the mother of a wonderful son who suffers from mental health issuses. My husband recently went into active duty for the military and now all the help that we used to recieve for our son is gone I have been trying to cope with all the stress of the constant care of a disabled young adult and with no help from the military who told us that my son would recieve help. I cant seem to get a grip on daily life and the few hours my son is in school all i do is cry I want to die most days because i know it would be much easier if i was not here to deal with it all. The love i have for my son and my husband keeps me here and thats all i live for. We have had to move away from the help and support system that we took so long to build as a family. I have no outlet for my depression and all i want to do is sink into anyting that numbs the pain latley its been drinking. Before my husband entered the military I was in school trying to reach my goal of being a lawyer and i have since had to give that up as well since we have no one to help with the daily and most times all night care a child of his abilities requries. No one seems to know what to do or how to get us the help that we need i am falling farther and farther from the real world i cant go on like this i do not sleep and cant seem to hold down food when i do eat. I used to be so happy with life and now it is a nightmare. I have been on antidepressents in the past and they are no working anymore my life is causing my son and my husband much greif I hate the way I treat them they have always been my ray of sun but not any more i dont want to cause them anymore pain and i cant seem to find any help for myself or my son why are things so wrong when all my husband wanted to do was his duty to this so called great country that we all live in i am proud that he is standing up for his country and i dont know how to show him that i want things to go back to the way they were before we struggled whith the bills and so forth but now we are so broke on the military salary we find it hard to come up with enough to eat and pay the bills. i dont want to be a burden anymore but i dont know how else to deal....

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