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I Don't Know Anymore. Please Help.

Question:

There is man that i am so in love with, but, everything fell apart. He had come to America as an exchange student and we hit it off right away. At this time he had a girlfriend in Austria, but he left her. So I thought that everything was great and we fell madly in love with each other. One day his ex-girlfriend called him and apologized for everything she did to make him break up with him. He still loves this girl, but he still loves me. He has since gotten back with his ex and I am now the other woman. I don’t know what to do. I love this guy so much that I don’t want to let him go. On the other hand I do not want to hurt is girlfriend. I am so confused about what to do and I know that he is as well. But now my best friend has told me that I am a bad person and that she does not want to be friends anymore. I need help.

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Answer:

In my opinion your delimma reveals many of the problems you are harboring just below the surface of your personality. It is always sad when a relationship ends in disappointment. It is even sadder when one believes they are in love with the person who has now left them. There is no question that it is very difficult to go through the period of mourning required to deal with a break up, whether it is by mutual agreement, betrayal, or rejection. However, there are those times when it is necessary to go through that mourning because the relationship, with all the hopes, love and aspirations it carried, is truly over. This is the case that you are dealing with, or, it should be the case.

Why would you want to hold on to a relationship with a man who has returned to his former lover? It seems to make sense to you that he has returned to her even though it makes no sense at all. One would think that if he loves you and you are the woman he is now with, the past would be gone and you and he would be the focus of his world. Yet, when his ex girlfriend calls and apologizes he returns to her. On top of that, you now consider yourself the “other woman.” Not true, at all.

I strongly suspect, educated guess wise, that the average woman would feel a strong sense of hurt, outrage, betrayal and finality as a result of this man’s choices. Yet, you report that you “love” this rejecting man who betrayed you by returning to another woman. In certain respects, you are demonstrating the classic symptoms of the abused woman. The abused woman’s profile is of forgiving the man who is rejecting, verbally and physically violent and who is demeaning and devaluing in his behavior. This is what you are doing by “hanging on” to this relationship.

In other words, this man rejected you for another woman and you willing to accept the proverbial “crumbs” that he is doling out to you. If this sounds harsh I apologize to you but I firmly believe that as a human being who deserves respect and to be treated with dignity that you deserve better than what he is doing.

Equal to his outrageous behavior is that of your so called friend who tells you that you are a “bad person.” As the old saying goes, “With a friend like that, who needs enemies?”

In my opinion, it would be wise for you to enter psychotherapy so that you can begin working on improving your self esteem. In addition, it is important to truly end this connection with a man who has rejected you and move on. There are other men in the world.

By the way, in your psychotherapy, if you choose to go that route and I hope you will, you need to learn why you have not become angry by what he did to you.

Best of Luck

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