Me and my boyfriend of 4.5 to about 5 years broke up for about 8 months. We were set to get married and everything seemed fine. One day he broke it off, and 8 months later we got back together. Now I have a hard time being with him, but I am trying my best to make what we have work. I don’t know what to do. I care about him, I just dont know if i love him anymore. After he broke up with me he hurt me a great deal and now I am afraid I will be hurt again after what has happened and I keep a distance from him. Recently I moved out of the house and am currently staying at a friend’s so that we might possibly be able to work on things apart instead of together while creating animosity between each other. He doesn’t go to school and just works one job. I go to school full time while holding a full time job as well. I am cleaning up after him and I have told him repeatedly that it would be nice to see him do more with his life, but it always ends up in a fight. I no longer tell him how I feel and he doesnt really talk to me about anything. Also, because of what happened I find myself never wanting to be around him. So, I left the home that we bought together. Please help, any advice to help fix this. I no longer know what to do.
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
When you ask "what to do," I cannot help but ask myself, "well, what do you want to do?" I realize that your dilemma is that you are confused and do not want to make a mistake. On the other hand, you give a number of compelling reasons for feeling disillusioned with him. You are now doubtful because:
1. He broke off the engagement before you were to be married.
2. During the separation he did things that caused you very great hurt, not do mention the hurt of breaking off the engagement.
3. You work and go to school full time and have ambition and see a future for yourself while he does not go to school and works one job. I am guessing that you are doubtful about his ability to provide for a family when you have children and you cannot work.
4. You are experiencing uncomfortable feelings of not being in love with him any longer and of not wanting to be around him.
5. There is animosity between the two of you when you try to discuss problems.
I really believe that you will make no mistake by following your heart and your mind. It is fairly clear to me, and in my opinion, that your heart and mind are telling you that he is the wrong guy for you and that you need to move on with your life.
A complicating factor is that the two of you bought a house together. However, a house or material goods are no reason for people to stay together if they are unhappy. In point of fact, you are both young, you are in school and will have a good career someday, and there are no children to worry about. Now is the time to make the break and you have already started the process. You have moved out and therefore, taken a big step towards independence.
It is possible that you will need a lawyer to help you work out the details of the house and other possessions. Hopefully, that can be done out of court.
I do not want to sound clinical and unsympathetic. This will be emotionally difficult but it seems as though you have thought this through and made your decision and are looking for confirmation. If I am correct, then you have that confirmation from me because of the age that both of you are at.
Best of Luck