I am a 31 year old man with feelings of helpless rage that constantly infect and destroy most things such as friendships and relationships I come into contact with. I have a few friends who know I do not like being this way and, over time, I have come to trust them more than they will ever know.
My self-esteem does not exist. I have no feelings of self-worth. Hate and anger are a frequent entities in my mind. I have used recreational drugs to subdue this emptiness I suffer. Now, I no longer use and am forced to be face to face with myself. My dreams are corrupted by scenes of failure and desertion of the people whom I really do love.
What am I supposed to do to control this as it has haunted me all my life. I had breakdowns and a suicide attempt. I hate the image of myself in the mirror. I have 3 kids so suicide is not an option anymore. Where do I go? What do I do? I am really losing my soul. I have manipulated situations using malice and tooth gritting anger to the point where people are afraid of my reactions. My now ex-wife has developed a social axiety because of me. This is adding to my feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing.
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The intense feelings of self-hate and self-loathing that you describe certainly fit the profile of a person suffering with lots of depression. Your history of a suicide attempt, mental breakdown and inner emptiness are further evidence of a possible major depression. Here, we cannot do a diagnosis of your problems. However, it appears to me that a visit to either a clinical psychologist or clinical social worker would be a good idea.
There are three good reasons to see a psychotherapist. First, it is a good idea that you get a diagnosis for you problem. Second, with diagnosis in hand and assuming that depression is correct, you might be started on a course of anti-depressant medication. Third, because medication is not enough, you could be started on a course of psychotherapy.
You also describe having lots of anger. Evidently, your anger has pushed you wife away so that you are now divorced. Anger and depression are frequent companions. The anger serves to make you feel worse about yourself. This is another reason for going into psychotherapy. There, you could learn to cope with all of these feelings in ways that are not self destructive.
By the way, you report that you will not attempt suicide for the sake of your children. That is good to hear. However, the thought of suicide is still there and that is another reason to seek help.
Best of Luck