My husband’s first wife had an affair with his brother while they were still married. They are now married and we all live in the same town. My husband and his ex have two children 14 and 11. For the sake of the children, we all get along. My husband is a very forgiving man and has gone on with his life. I was not around when the affair was going on. I do not care for his ex or brother, but I get along for the sake of the children. My problem is I can’t get over my husband getting along with his ex after what she did to him. I know my husband loves me, but I keep accusing him of still loving her. She is short, thin and pretty, whereas I perceive myself as fat and ugly. I can’t believe my husband would want me over her. He gets extremely upset when I accuse him of still wanting her. His ex and brother have lots of marital problems and they each come to my husband for advice (which I feel is really ironic). How do I get over this insane jealousy of his ex before it ruins our marriage? The children are very attached to their mother and you have to get along with the mother or else the children will hate you. My husband has a hard time sticking up for himself against his ex because she will turn the children against him. So he feels he must do whatever she says.
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Your opinion of your husband’s ex and his brother is ultimately up to you. You can dislike them as people for a very good reason, but your husband has the same right as you to have an opinion of them. If he has forgiven them for their actions that is okay. As long as he is faithful and you have no reason to suspect him of not being so, trust him and believe what he tells you. Accusing him of still desiring her is unfair to both of you. You need to trust him. About the jealousy surrounding his ex, what are you jealous of specifically? If it is her body, just reason that as a person she is not so sparkling. Also, work on your own self-image. Try to view yourself objectively. When you see other women the size of you on the street do you think that they are fat? Exercise could be beneficial in improving your self-image even if it didn’t effect your body size. Even though the children are protective of their mother you do not need to cater to their every wish. I would recommend acting civil towards her still, no need for all out war, but you don’t have to go out of your way for her needs. Your husband sounds like a very nice and understanding man. Tell him what you are feeling without accusing him of doing anything wrong. Sincerely, – Anne