Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

I Think I Have Sexual Issue's

Question:

Hi,

Im a 26 yearr old mother of one child. My partner was 22 when we first started dating fours years ago. Our sex life was great and I was really into it. About a year after we started dating I found out that my partner had been messaging another female. He denied it of course, and it stopped happening. I stayed with him but a year later we broke up for six months. Then got back together and agreed it would be a fresh start.

Not long after I became pregnant with our child. Everything was great for a few months until I found he had been in contact with an old family friend. I was fine with, until I saw a mssage he had been sending her. He said he missed her and he wasn’t happy in our relationship. That broke my heart because we just had just had our baby and I thought we were very happy and in love.

I confronted him, with this. He apologised saying he didn’t really mean what he had said to her and that it was just to get attention, knowing he could never have her if he wanted.

Since then it has happened another two more times, the most recent being six months ago. Once again I have stayed with him. Things seem to be different this time.

We have our own place now which we never had before so things really have seemed to change.

The only problem is our sex life. I find myself just not interested in it at all. I never start any sexual activity and that annoys him. I find myself thinking that I’m just not good enough when we do have sex. It is more like a chore for me than me enjoying it.

I don’t want to feel like this. Is there anything I can do??? PLEASE HELP!

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

I do not like saying this to you but, under the circumstances, I believe it must be said: You seem to be a “glutton for punishment.” This man repeatedly disrespect you and you come away believing that you have sexual issues.

Of course you do not feel like having sex with this man. He has done everything he can to earn your distrust. Your lack of interest in sex with him stems  from what must be enormous anger at him for the ways he had behaved. You catch him in the act of sending romantic text messages to other women while he makes weak excuses for doing so. Then you forgive him and take him back. Why?

You report that “we have gotten our own place and that we are in love.” How do you know “we are in love” when he has treated you with contempt. In addition, why are you in love with a man who repeatedly cheats on you? That is not the way a person in love behaves.

You used an interesting choice of words at the end of your E. Mail call for help. He apologized to you, you have your own place now and, “things really have seemed to change. Your expression of “seemed to change” reflects the fact that you do not trust him and that you are waiting for the next episode of his cheating. If behavior in the past is any guide to behavior in the future, it is likely that he will have a repeat performance.

Listen to your instincts. It is very meaningful that you do not desire him sexually and that it feels like a chore when you do have sex.

In my opinion, you are best off taking your child and leaving him. There is nothing wrong with you, sexually. What is wrong is his repeatedly cheating and your going back to him.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand