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I Want To Leave My Husband For Another

Question:

I have been married for 20 years to a guy that is very unemotional (cool as a cucumber). I have occupied my love life with my children and dedicated my life to them in order to receive some type of love back. Now my kids are older and do not need me anymore (that way) so I found a man and for the last 4 years I have been having an affair. I really love him, but I’m afraid of leaving my husband. I am afraid of telling him that I want a divorce. I know that you are not supposed to get a divorce because of someone else, but this someone else showed me that there is a lot to life and love really is out there. I act very cool to my husband and I don’t even like having sex anymore; in fact I always have an excuse. That is not like me. I enjoy sex very much. How do I tell my authoritarian husband (who also has a mood disorder) that I want to leave? I am hoping that he will ask me for the divorce. What are the chances?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

It sounds as if you have carefully thought out your decision already, so what remains is for you to implement it. If you are still uncertain of your decision, go ahead and reassess your options. What kind of life could you reasonably hope for if you stay with your husband? Do you still have feelings for him that could be rekindled (and is there good reason to try)? What kind of life would you have if you leave him? Remember that you, too deserve a happy and fulfilled life, not one spent wondering what could have been. I agree with you that another man is not sufficient reason to leave your husband, but it sounds as if you may have reason enough to leave him anyway. I wouldn’t rely on your husband to ask for a divorce. It is up to you to make this change in your life happen. If you are afraid only of the action of telling him you are leaving, I suggest just bite the bullet and do it. Sometimes we work ourselves up into such a frenzy of worry about making a decision, that the fear paralyzes us into inaction. If you are afraid of his reaction, it might help to have someone there with you, or you may want to consult a counselor before going through with it. In either case, your husband will take it better if he has plenty of warning. (Although you may think it is obvious, men are often quite dense, and he may have no idea something is wrong!) Good luck to you, – Anne

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