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In Love With A Man Who Does Not Love Me

Question:

My name is Alexa. I’m 20 years old. Almost a year and a half ago, I began dating an old acquaintance of mine that I had known for years, throughout middle school and high school. As soon as we became exclusive, he admitted to me that he had been in love with me for years and that he knew I was the one for him all along. I had no idea of this, only of his failed attempts to insert himself into my busy life.

The relationship went all too quickly. I trusted him because he had apparently thought this through and for sure wanted me. He promised me marriage, to love me completely, and to even have children with me someday. Usually, I am not so quick to make such promises or even want things like that so early on. However, this time around, I was hit like a train, and I fell deeply in love with him. The love from him did not last, though. Eventually, he broke up with me saying that he did not love me romantically anymore. Our fantasy relationship was not perfect, to say the least.

I was (and still am) suffering from anxiety and major depression and was not aware of it. I put too much pressure on his shoulders and he eventually could not take anymore and pushed me off. Believe it or not, this relationship lasted 3 months. I’ve been in relationships that have lasted for over a year, and I have not felt as in love with anyone else. I dated someone else for almost a year, and regrettably, I did not feel the same commitment and passion for him.

It has been over a year since we have broken up, and I am still in love. We are still in contact- he has become a part of my life. Though he continually rejects me and hurts me, I don’t understand why I can’t just get up and walk away. There is a faint hope and desire for him and for us that I can’t seem to shake. I believed he was the one, and I still do, but circumstances just do not match. I keep thinking that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship. He jumped in too quick and he doesn’t want a girlfriend until he is ready, which isn’t now. That makes me want to stick around because I would rather wait for him than date others I can’t have that much passion with.

He seems to be completely done with dating me. However, he likes to flirt with me, but shows no exclusiveness. There are some things he does not like about me, but I believe my lack of emotional stability and confidence was rooted with my depression. When I am regulated with medication, I will have the willpower to boost my confidence and control my emotions better. I feel like I can prove to him that I am what he wants.

Am I being foolish? I love him so much, and I would do anything to give us another chance. Do I walk away forever? Do I continue being a hopeless romantic? What should I do?

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Answer:

You should not have to prove to any man that you are what he wants. If a man cannot accept you for who you are, he is not worth being with. Think of the consequences if you ever married him? Would you spend the rest of your life proving to him that you are what he wants? I think not.

It is always interesting that people will fall in love with and stay in love with a person who does not feel that way? In your case, why would you love someone who does not love you? The answer to that question partially lies in a problem you have. You report the fact that you have major depression with anxiety. Major Depression is accompanied by self hatred and low self esteem. What better way to punish your self than to love someone who does not love you?

Rather than focusing your attention on him, you really need to think about yourself. I doubt that you really want to be with someone like him who is unreliable and immature. First he loves you and then he does not. First he wants to be with you and then he does not. The point is that you deserve better than this.

Finally, there is no reason to believe you will not feel passionate about a different man. You are very young and there are many men out there. Among those men there will be one who you will fall in love with and who will love you. Remember, any man who does not love you back is not worth your time or energy.

In my opinion, stop obsessing about this guy and move on.

Best of Luck

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