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Insecure Danger

Question:

I’m seperated because my husband cheated on me. Now, I have a relationship with a much older guy. He is 22 years older than me.

Before getting into a relationship I was a lesbian and had chatted sex through phone and emails with strangers. I disclosed all these to him. Now that he knows many things about me, I sometimes feel that he points out my previous mistakes. When he does that I get furious and shout at him with abusive words.

Am I right doing that? Is that right what he does as well?

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Answer:

Any healthy intimate relationship is based on trust between two people. The reason is that people need to feel safe and secure with one another. In that way, they can mutually share their deepest and darkest secrets, feelings, thoughts and fantasies. This can only happen in an atmosphere where each person knows that their partner is totally committed and that all they have revealed is totally safe.

It seems that this has not happened either with your husband nor the man you now have a relationship with. So, the answer to one part of your question is a very clear, “NO,” he should not be using your personal secrets against you. Of course, this raises another question: did you confide in this man too soon, before a solid relationship was established? It takes time and closeness before two people feel truly safe enough to reveal all about their private lives.

The answer to you other question, “are you right to furiously shout at him,” the answer is also, “NO.” First, the more people shout when they are angry, the less they are communicating. The only thing the person who is being shouted at really hears is the shouting and nothing else. That is why, when angry, it works must better to state one’s feelings in words that clearly communicate both anger and the reason for that anger.

I believe that, ultimately, you need to ask yourself why you seem to get involved with untrustworthy people? In fact, even your conversations with supposed lesbians over the internet is neither safe nor secure. It also gives rise to being in touch with people who could be dangerously untrustworthy. The title of your E. Mail is very relevant: Insecure Danger!

Perhaps psychotherapy to help you with all of this?

Best of Luck

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